Mai's Ramblings
by Loopy777
Summary: Mai's secret thoughts on all the Avatar ships- you know the funny is coming when the driest, most critical personality in the show decides to let it all out! Everything Avatar is analyzed and described in the most ridiculous way possible! A fan favorite!
1. Kataang

_Author's Note: These are purely for fun, and do not reflect any opinions I may have on a given 'ship'. (Actually, I rarely have an opinion on a ship at all, except to reflect on any humor potential.) The first few were actually posted in Avatar Spirit's shipping thread, and only became a Fan Fiction series by popular demand, so the early rambles are notably shorter and of lesser quality to the later entries._

* * *

**Mai on... Kataang.**

"Take the two most cavity-carving twits in the show, buckle them both in chastity belts, and you have the main 'ship' of Avatar: The Last Airbender.

"Aang is an airbending freak with no hair and a body build like my little brother WHO'S TWO YEARS OLD, but he has a personality that could favorably be compared to an affectionate puppy so he naturally lights up Katara's radar like a firetruck with its siren set to 11. Katara was dark-skinned, exotic, as curved as a lamppost, and uninterested in getting some, so naturally the romance didn't progress much until season 3 when she suddenly discovered America and puberty set in.

"By that point, the two should have looked more like bunnies than humans, but my boyfriend showed up at their house and asked if he could stay 'til he cleared things up with his folks, so all the romance was put on hold until Zuko was no longer shuffling through the house in his Spongebob boxers.

"Once Zuko was safely chained to the throne NO NOT THAT THRONE the two were free to get together and do whatever it is kids do when they declare themselves a couple. I wouldn't know because the love of my life decided to mouth off to his pa and subsequently had to join the navy for a few years.

"Why are you still here?"


	2. Sukka

**Mai on... Sukka!**

"Sukka- the Avatar ship for people who like their men girly, their women desperate, and their heat level higher than Ozai on Cactus Juice.

"Sokka has the unfortunate luck to combine the sexiest male body on the planet with a personality so girly even Ty Lee got jealous. Early in his adventures he meets a girl named Suki and falls head over heals for her, drawing yet another disturbing comparison to Ty Lee with both his agility and love for people in CLOWN makeup. Suki is the greatest warrior on the planet, and also the hottest girl on the planet IF YOU LIKE THAT SORT OF THING, and wiser than three Avatars in a barrel, so of course she gives in to whatever chemicals are pumping in her brain and gets with Sokka solely for his hot body.

"Sokka isn't so manly than he doesn't have a fear of commitment, so he spends the next season and a half running as far as he can from Suki and getting it on with everything in a skirt short of his sister UNLESS YOU LOOK AT THE SUBTEXT until Suki finally catches up with him and reminds him of his clown fetish. Fortunately Azula was there to spare everyone from our coming GAG REFLEX and captured Suki and sent her to Alcatraz.

"Eventually Sokka realized he wasn't going to be getting what he wanted from the Earthbending tomboy he'd been hanging with and literally tripped over Suki just in time for his voice to deepen. The two spent the rest of the series competing to see how far they could push the censors with their tent-time and stripping, officially knocking me and Zuko down to the second most gross coupling in the history of television.

"That plain enough for you?"


	3. Ty Zula

**Mai on... Ty Zula.**

"No matter how hard, fast, and consistently Nickelodeon denies it, one of the canon ships that snuck past the censors was the illicit romance between Princess Azula and Ty Lee, the two fruitcakes I have the misfortune to call my best friends.

"Azula had a rough childhood that consisted of being the Fire Lord's favorite person in the whole world and so got away with every single antic she perpetrated in service to her inborn misanthropy. She might give you a spiel about how she never had her mother's love and that it resulted in a lifetime of sociopathic rampaging, but the truth is that torturing her big brother Zuko with a sharp object relieved all her stress and kept her a happy child.

"Ty Lee was an airhead who finally proved the old wives' tale that mothers shouldn't drink Cactus Juice while they're pregnant. She has an attention span that makes a Lemur look positively scholarly and a color-based outlook on life that really sent all the wrong signals about which side the river she played on.

"Azula made the rubber-willed Ty Lee her plaything to the disgust of everyone paying attention, a group of which I happened to be THE ONLY MEMBER. Eventually Ty Lee overcame her Stockholm Syndrome after an incident involving a knife, a rhino, and War Minister Qin and ran away to join the circus, probably with the notion that she could use all the clown makeup as part of a complicated plan to seduce Sokka OH WAIT SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT HIM YET. Azula shortly followed and offered Ty Lee the best present she could think of, namely the chance to abuse her brother Zuko.

"Things were going swimmingly between the two so long as you look at things from Azula's perspective, until a little incident that could be summarized as my taking away Azula's favorite toy and then daring her to do something about it because I couldn't stand to live another second WATCHING MY TWO SO-CALLED FRIENDS FLY FREELY UNDER THE NETWORK'S RADAR. Ty Lee saw the whole thing as her chance of escape and chained herself to my leg as I was shipped out to Alcatraz to think about what I did while I golfed and earned a Master's Degree in law.

"By the time we got back, Azula had gone crazy from the frustration of the whole silly mess and had been locked in a closet by her brother so we could all pretend she never existed. Ty Lee promptly asserted her independence by going to live on an island with a bunch of man-hating prima-donas who harbored a fetish for pointy objects and rhinos.

"And people wonder why I wear black and cut myself."


	4. Pakkana

**Mai on... Pakkana!**

"Perhaps the second-most surprising official coupling of Avatar: The Last Airbender BEHIND MY OWN OVERLY COMPLICATED ROMANCE is the geriatric cuddle-fest between Pakku the Waterbending Master and Kana the former FemiNazi.

"Kana was born in the Northern Watertribe where woman are prevented from learning any useful Waterbending aside from the rare and highly valued healing arts, and she was betrothed to Bender Prodigy and Man of the Year, Pakku. Kana never had any bending ability at all and judging from her INBRED SOCIALLY-CHALLENGED GRANDKIDS her family was hardly the sort that anyone would want to willingly marry into, but nevertheless we have to take her word for it that she somehow wound up engaged to Pakku completely against her will.

"Being a grounded, sensible young lady she hopped on the nearest boat and began a world-wide search for a land of permafrost where she could be a baby-factory housewife without worrying about any laws or social conventions forcing her to stick with such a role if she someday decided to drop her kids off at a Fire House and run away again. Her line eventually produced a hair-looped FemiNazi Waterbending prodigy of a granddaughter and a woman-hating chauvinist grandson, hinting that her reasons for running away to the South weren't as spit'n'polished as she would have us believe.

"Fast forward roughly THREE HUNDRED YEARS and Kana's grandkids show up on Pakku's doorstep looking to get the Avatar some Waterbending training and maybe destabilize the whole tribe's social structure for kicks and giggles. Pakku's having none of that and gets drawn into Katara's rather TRANSPARENT attempt to draw attention away from the fact that her brother is busy deflowering the Chief's daughter in the nearest closet, culminating in the revelation that the pair are actually his grandkids. After a quick attack from the Fire Nation that proved the geezer had succeeded in training the worst army of Waterbenders history had ever seen, Pakku hopped on the nearest raft to go find the love of his life and marry her before he could be fired from his job and then immediately sued for 298 years worth of child support.

"If you think that's bad, wait until I tell you about Iroh's antics."


	5. Kyakoda

**Mai on... Kyakoda!**

"Successful adult relationships are rare enough on Avatar: The Last Airbender but one that somehow managed to generate a minimal amount of suspense was the devastatingly tragic SNIFF SNIFF marriage between Hakoda of the Southern Water Tribe and Kya She of that Silly Little Necklace.

"The necklace itself used to be Old Lady Kana's betrothal necklace that she got from Old Geezer Pakku and even though she ran a full 180 degrees of a world away from him she kept it as some kind of morbid family heirloom and it was eventually passed to Kya. I don't know if Kana was Kya's mother or Hakoda's mother but to be honest I have trouble telling Boy Water Tribes from Girl Water Tribes except for Sokka with his fantastic sculpted chest and hot ears and tasty bronze skin and I kind lost track of what I was talking about OH YEAH so the end result was that Kya married her brother Hakoda and took to wearing the necklace as it was the only jewelry in the whole tribe. They bounced out two little kids one of which was Waterbending prodigy Katara and since she was the only bender in the whole tribe BECAUSE HER GRANDFATHER WAS A MASTER BENDER Hakoda had the bright idea of plastering "Waterbender Teacher Wanted See Hakoda" posters all over the world's lower hemisphere.

"According to family lore NO NOT MY FAMILY I'M TALKING ABOUT THE INBRED TRIBALS the Fire Nation took notice of this and tracked him down to politely inquire as to why he he needed a teacher but they quickly dispensed with the pleasantries and started lighting things aflame. I don't see how that explains how a high ranking Firebender wound up alone with Kya in her house but you know me I don't question things like that primarily because I know I'll vomit if I get a good mental picture going. Kya pretended to be a Waterbender in order to spare her preciously annoying daughter who walked in on them at the wrong moment and was SHOCKED, SHOCKED to find out that the Firebending home-wrecker had orders to cook her like a cheap greasy fireflake.

"Hakoda was absolutely devastated and like all grieving husbands started taking long boat rides with his tall and handsome best friend Bato who I notice the kiddies are VERY familiar with and everyone wound up happy or at least as happy as anyone is in this messed up little world. Since then a lot of people have started talking about how Hakoda is absolutely destined to get it on with Zuko's mom but I think that's a terribly tasteless thing to say primarily because it means my boyfriend will have SOMETHING NEW TO WHINE ABOUT ALL THE TIME as we gaze at sunsets together.

"Why this is considered entertainment, I'll never understand."


	6. Moppa

**Mai on... Moppa!**

"When it comes to Avatar: The Last Airbender anything and everything is fodder for 'shipping' including animals and various manufactured transports. The most famous of the former is the completely imaginary romantic affair between the disgusting monster Air Bison Appa and the hyperactive annoying Lemur Momo, and as disgusting as it is to imagine these two pairing up it has still been deemed by the grand powers that be THANK YOU MIKE AND BRYAN to be more probable and tasteful than the even more imaginary 'Zutara' relationship which I disliked for COMPLETELY UNBIASED REASONS.

"Appa is an Air Bison which looks like a mix between an Ewok and a rhino and commands the awesome power to projectile-cough wads of green throat-goo at people it dislikes through masterful use of Airbending. He was chosen by the Avatar to be his animal companion and portable bed and emergency food source due to the mystical hippy connection that formed between the two when the kid chucked an apple at the beast's head. Ty Lee tried a similar method to seduce Sokka the filthy HOT Water Tribe peasant but it didn't lead to anything more than harsh words and a restraining order. When the Avatar used his magic time travel powers to lock himself in a refrigerator for a century Appa was to its great luck frozen alongside the bald freak and so avoided the OH SO SAD destruction of the rest of the species unless you read Fire Nation tabloids and know that Admiral Zhao lives and will someday return at the head of an Air Bison army.

"Momo is much smaller and seems to be some kind of odd jumble of a kitty cat I LIKE SAYING 'KITTY CAT' and a ravenous bat. He may or may not be the last of his species and may or may not be the reincarnation of the Avatar's teacher or a spirit or Zuko's mom or something equally improbable and spends most of his days trying to steal the scene from its owners with supposedly cute and audience-friendly antics.

"The two animals spend a lot of time alone together when the Avatar and his friends go undercover but I severely doubt they were actually carrying on any kind of romance because if I acknowledge it I'll have to imagine it and MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE THAT. They apparently became good friends though because when Appa was kidnapped by Star Wars Sand People the Lemur Momo got to make sad faces and mournful trills every so often. So close were they that Momo got to enjoy a little adventure in Ba Sing Se that involved monkeys and more Kitty cats and I frankly had a hard time following it but in the end he found a footprint of Appa's that eventually led to NOTHING IMPORTANT AT ALL to Jet's great lament.

"Once Appa was recovered from the Dai Li and more specifically Azula's shortest-lived boyfriend ever Long Feng, Momo was reunited with his friend and the pair presumably had a lot of fun in the background together when no one was paying attention NO NOT THAT WAY YOU SICK SICK FREAKS. There was some incident involving a samurai battle between the two over the Avatar's mental health but frankly I don't put much stock in stories told by Ty Lee when she's on Cactus Juice so I couldn't tell you any important details.

"What next, we lock two turtleducks in a cage together and pretend we're watching an epic romance?"


	7. Urzai

**Mai on... Urzai!**

"Easily the most absolutely dysfunctional ship in the entire _Avatar_ series YES EVEN COUNTING ZUTARA is the tumultuous marriage between Phoenix Fire King Lord Ozai and Bad News Ursa.

"Ozai was the younger son of Fire Lord Azulon who no one knows much about and we can't really judge him by his children because one was a tea-loving clown and the other was psychopath who lit babies on fire for jollies. He really wanted to be in charge because, you know, people who light babies on fire are just like that where that have to be in charge even though they'll just light the babies on fire regardless.

"Ursa was an overly nice lady FROM ZUKO'S PERSPECTIVE ANYWAY who didn't seem to have any goals in life other than spending all her time having fun with Zuko AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. There is some debate about whether or not Ursa loved Azula but since Azula likes to argue both sides of the issue AT THE SAME TIME we'll just move on and pretend everything is bubbles and lollipops. Ursa turned out to be descended from Avatar Roku but honestly that information was never of any use and Zuko doesn't even like to talk about it and the only source is a crazy old man who I'm not convinced isn't half senile and some people think he had a little 'thing' going on with Ursa anyway so again we'll just move on and leave things be. Honestly, that's a common attitude with Zuko's mom and since Ozai himself didn't like people talking about her either I like to just pretend she doesn't exist.

"So when Big Brother Iroh's son died in the war THOSE THINGS HAPPEN YOU KNOW Ozai asked his daddy if he could be Fire Lord instead because that's totally how you display tact in front of an irritable Fire Lord. Azuzon was a good daddy to Iroh and punished Ozai for being so insensitive, but he must have always found being a granddaddy a lot harder because his punishment for Ozai was making him kill Zuko. I would have thought being a daddy and being a granddaddy would be really similar but I'm never going to be either so I guess I'm not really qualified to criticize like all good Fire Nation ladies. Azulon couldn't even get the punishment right because Ozai never really liked Zuko AS HE LIKES TO CONSTANTLY WHINE ABOUT which to me is a sign that perhaps senility runs in the family so Iroh's mind isn't as infallible as everyone likes to treat it.

"Ursa caught wind of all this, and it's probably a really good thing for Ozai that she did because I'd hate to be the husband who served breakfast in bed the next morning and then slipped in a quick, "Oh yeah, I killed our firstborn last evening, but that's okay, right?" and at least get some scrambled eggs thrown at me. Ursa was a bit put out by the idea because then she woudn't have anyone to feed turtleducks with since Azula absolutely hated the things so she went to Ozai or Azulon or... oh, I don't know, at this point no really knows what happened because it was all mysterious and behind the scenes cloak'n'daggers stuff that I'm willing to wager was four times as complicated as it had to be because THAT'S JUST HOW THIS PSYCHO FAMILY ROLLS. Ursa mysteriously disappeared and Ozai ascended to the station of Fire Lord completely without remorse so I think we can safely declare the marriage Dead on Arrival.

"He never remarried and if it weren't for Zuko and Azula I'd be wondering if he ever had much interest in one in the first place and then was eventually knocked off by the Avatar. Ursa is speculated to have had all kinds of fun adventures after she disappeared and everyone loves to speculate about her continued romantic adventures with Iroh and Piandao and Sokka's daddy Hokada and the Earth King and all kinds of undesirables that I think would utterly disgust the real Ursa and Zuko agrees with me and that's what's really important OH YEAH.

"As far as speculation goes, I prefer the stories about Admiral Zhao riding an Air Bison better."


	8. Chily

**Mai on... Chily!**

"If I had to pick one couple in Avatar: The Last Airbender to stand as a shining antithesis of everything I value and live by, it would be the legally unrecognized pairing between the two NOT ENTIRELY SOBER hippies Chong and Lily.

"Both are part of a group of traveling nomads NO NOT AIR NOMADS JUST HIPPIES whose sole purpose in life is to basically wander around the Earth Kingdom playing music that has no business being heard by human ears, but if it's heard by animals ears that may be even worse because believe it not there are some people out there who worry more about the suffering of turtleducks than humans AND MY BOYFRIEND IS NOT ONE OF THEM THANK YOU FOR ASKING. Chong plays a guitar-thing but not in any style I learned about in school, and it's probably irrelevant seeing as how his awful singing drowns out all other NOISE anyway. Lily plays something that looks like a flute but I've never actually heard it produce any sound but that's probably because Chong is always singing TERRIBLY when she has it out and active. I think that's a pretty good metaphor for their relationship but at least they stay by each other's side through it all UNLIKE SOME BOYFRIENDS I COULD NAME.

"The other nomads in their group consist of a pair of non-musicians whose sole purpose appears to be to distract audiences from the horrible quality of the music with something that looks like rhythmic movement but never matches the actual 'rhythm' of the actual 'music' so I hesitate to call it dancing, and also a fat man-child who dresses in pink and pounds a drum who I suspect may be Chong and Lily's illegitimate offspring because he acts like his mother drank Cactus Juice the whole time she was pregnant and OH AGNI HE DRESSES AND TALKS LIKE TY LEE THIS LINE OF THOUGHT IS STOPPING RIGHT NOW!

"Chong and Lily met the Avatar and his group when they happened upon the kids frolicking half-naked in a river and groping each other inappropriately. Deciding that such activity made them kindred spirits the hippies wove flowers into Katara's hair and offered to lead the group through a hole in the ground called The Cave of Two Lovers. Obviously Chong and Lily were trying to help their fellow (Air) Nomad finally score with his Water Tribe crush and so we can speculate that perhaps the pair had a similar dynamic to their relationship in their younger days, but I think it much more likely that they first met when they woke up next to each other coming out of a Cactus Juice haze and immediately declared themselves 'married'. Chong claimed that the only way out of the Cave was to let love somehow lead the way but then it doesn't speak well for his 'marriage' that he and Lily spent a WHOLE NIGHT wandering through the labyrinth and only got out when Sokka HE'S SO GOOD tamed a pair of Badgermoles and demolished his way back into daylight.

"The last anyone heard of the Earth Nomads was when they left the Avatar just outside of Omashu and hopefully wandered off a cliff or back into the EVIL LOVE CAVE because they're only so much hurt the world can experience and the Fire Nation was on the scene long before the terrible hippy music that Chong and Lily produce.

"Now I'm going to have nightmares about Ty Lee singing."


	9. Rozin

**Mai on... Rozin!**

"No one on Avatar is a stranger to romantic woes, but the failed relationship between Fire Lord Sozin and Avatar Roku is probably the one that hurt and disrupted the most number of other people.

"Back about a hundred thousand years ago Roku and Sozin were bestest buddies who hung out together and practiced Firebending together and talked about girls together and celebrated birthdays together and ran around the Capital City together and I THINK WE CAN FIGURE OUT THE PATTERN ALREADY did everything together up to and perhaps including potty breaks EW GROSS. You'd think the Crown Prince would have more than one friend because even the obscenely misanthropic Princess Azula had a couple of friends MORE OR LESS but then when you consider Zuko maybe that isn't so unusual after all. This bliss lasted until both boys were sixteen years old and I'm really still having trouble believing that both of them were born on the same day in the same year in the same city at the same social level and both were benders but NO ONE CARES WHAT I THINK so when they turned sixteen Roku found out that he was the latest Avatar and had to travel the world learning how to bend the lesser elements.

"For some reason both boys were really bummed out by this even though it was only going to be for a few years and they knew they'd reunite someday unlike a certain dumb little girl and her STUPID boyfriend who managed to get banished by his idiot father and came close to never returning to the STUPID girl. Sozin gave Roku his princely crown to take with him on his world-spanning adventures so that he'd be able to clutch it to his chest and sigh wistfully as he gazed on the stars. I don't know if Roku ever actually did that but apparently the idea that he might made Sozin feel better about the whole awkward mess.

"Roku of course came back after a while as a big time butt-kicking Avatar and immediately married Ta Min his childhood crush I GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY while Sozin was left to rule the greatest and most advanced nation in the world by his little ol' lonesome. Some people like to whisper that Sozin was jealous and wanted Roku all to himself and honestly this family is so screwed up I can believe it but I think the simplest solution is the best and Sozin was just mad he didn't have a childhood crush of his own he could have married on the same day at the same hour at the same hall by the same sage as Roku and his beloved. In fact I think it entirely plausible that Sozin wanted to go ahead and marry Ta Min herself just so he could call it a clean sweep.

"Sozin was really angry about this so did the most hurtful thing he could think of and told his buddy the Avatar that he wanted to conquer the whole world and crush freedom beneath his fancy heel. Roku was predictably enough annoyed by Sozin's cry for attention and basically told his buddy not to come around any more if he was going to be difficult about the whole thing. As history shows us Sozin loved being difficult and went right ahead with his invasions ANYONE ELSE REMINDED OF AZULA WHEN SHE WANTS SOMETHING and Roku was forced to break it off permanently with little or no real remorse that I can see probably because he had his childhood-crush-wife AND THAT REALLY SOLVES ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS. Sozin spend the next hundred or so years sitting on his throne stewing about the whole mess while Roku flew around the world on his dragon having adventures and dropping by his home every so often to produce another gorgeous baby with his gorgeous wife and GOSH EVEN I WANT TO SMACK THE GUY AROUND AT THIS POINT until both he and Sozin were old people and ready to die. Roku's home was built on the side of a volcano and when it erupted Roku saw a great opportunity to try that lava-surfing one of his past lives recommended trying at least once and so he flew his dragon up to battle the volcano and look heroic. Even in the blackest depths of his depression Sozin couldn't miss a volcano blowing up in his backyard so he hopped on his own dragon HEY I JUST REALIZED THEY BOTH HAD DRAGONS TOO THAT I BET WERE TWINS OR SOMETHING and headed over to the volcano so that if Roku died Sozin could say he died in the same volcano at the same time from the same lava wave yadda yadda yadda.

"In the end the volcano proved to be an even bigger butt-kicker than an Avatar GEE WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED and overwhelmed Roku while Sozin looked at the cauldron of boiling death and torment and decided that maybe dieing in an identical manner to his best buddy wasn't as much fun as everyone said and took off with a promise to call maybe. In the wake of Roku's death Sozin launched the global war that has made so many of the people I know so happy and that's the end of the HEY WAIT A SECOND WHERE DID ZUKO'S FAMILY COME FROM- DID SOZIN GET MARRIED, DID HE ADOPT, HOW CAN THAT BE THE END OF THE STORY?!

"That's the last time I go to Iroh for information. I should have known better after he claimed Zuko's mom was descended from Roku.

"What a pointless story."


	10. Taang

**Main on... Taang!**

"As common as it is on Avatar: The Last Airbender for relationships to form between wimpy men and tough awesome women, the idea is best showcased in the friendship MAYBE MORE between the Avatar Aang and Toph Bei Fong.

"Being an Avatar meant that Aang had to learn all four elements as part of his training to become the world's great unwanted supercop but that wasn't as easy a proposition as it sounded. He already knew Airbending when he came out of his iceberg because for some reason the old Air Nomads thought that teaching all of their kids how to sneeze with AN INTENT TO MAIM would make life more interesting OH YEAH LOTS OF FUN. He learned Waterbending from both Old Man Pakku and his illegitimate granddaughter Katara but the fact that the Avatar never progressed much beyond the Waterwhip indicates that neither one was that great of a teacher but that doesn't surprise me as Pakku's Waterbender army was defeated by a single Firebender with a fish-obsession and Katara was much more interested in making out OH WAIT SHE WAS TOO 'CONFUSED' with her student anyway.

"Aang didn't seem to be having as much luck with Earthbending either because he first tried to make a teacher out of his four hundred year old friend Bumi but that fell through when the geezer got himself arrested on charges I'd rather not speculate on LIKE 'ROCK CANDY' TRAFFICKING and all the other Earthbenders in the Kingdom were either professional wrestlers or scam-artist dojo masters and not one of them OH NO NOT ONE was a competent Earthbending soldier who would be glad to help fight back against the Fire Nation.

"The sole exception was Toph Bei Fong who hadn't been turned into a Rock Candy addict yet because she was locked up by her over-protective parents because she was tiny in stature and as blind as a badgermole THAT WAS FUNNY OH WAIT NO IT WASN'T and for some reason she never thought to just go ahead and tell them she was a master Earthbender. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway but it just seems really strange to me that she'd just let it go like that I mean my parents weren't thrilled when I started throwing knives at things ESPECIALLY WITH A NEW BABY BROTHER AROUND and I had to go to Omashu with them but at least I gave them Inferno for it and stuck up for myself WHAT WAS I SAYING OH YEAH so Toph's solution was to sneak out at night and fight in staged wrestling shows. How that made her feel better I have no idea but for some reason beating on a bunch of clowns with better skills in prat-falling than Earthbending made the little runt feel big and tough.

"Of course the Avatar had no idea those things are completely fake so when he saw Toph win one of those things he decided he had to have her as his teacher. He tried his mightiest to convince Toph to steal her parents' fortune and run away with him but she didn't want to probably because she was afraid of having to fight against some real warriors like Azula AND HER FRIENDS and did all she could to resist until her wrestling league kicked her out for taking bribes or whatever they call it there and she hopped on the Air Bison to avoid jail time.

"She was also harboring THE WAY I SEE IT a massive crush on the Avatar because she immediately began misbehaving in front of him and fighting with the Water Tribe FemiNazi he was crushing on and even ran away once when he called her fat IS HE KIDDING SHE WEIGHS LESS THAN MY BROTHER but came back in time to save him from big scary Azula. After they formally made up OR NOT they got around to actually doing some Earthbending but even that was nearly ruined by all the romantic tension since her first instinct is to punch the boys she loves instead of doing nice human things like not throwing mud at them and kissing them and telling them to STOP STARING AT THE HORIZON AND THINKING ABOUT THEIR IDIOT FATHERS and she spent most of her lessons trying to hit the Avatar with a big rock. Things were rapidly heading for an epic session of making out so Katara got her brother to agree to distract Toph so that Aang could get his Earthbending lessons which ended up working out very nicely AS NICE AS SOKKA because Toph acquired a taste for older taller boys and was finally able to manage a working relationship with Aang. She remained in the group even after she completely outlived her usefulness because every lame team needs an even lamer mascot and she was good at doing tricks like turning metal doors into armor suits SHOW OFF.

"I miss the days when men were men and woman were dainty things that stayed home where it was safe. That's a lie."


	11. Zukaang

**Mai on... Zukaang!**

"The relationship that easily got the most focus in Avatar: The Last Airbender was the tumultuous link between Avatar Aang and BOYFRIEND OF THE YEAR Fire Prince Zuko."

"The whole century-long global war that everybody was so worked up about for a while was basically caused entirely by Zuko's ancestor Sozin and Aang's past life HOW DOES THAT WORK ANYWAY Avatar Roku. They had a long convoluted falling out that some may call epic but I call unbearably silly that ended with Roku dying a horrible burning death and Sozin launching a campaign of conquest against the rest of the world. One of his first big attacks was against the Air Nomads who all ended up dying except for one lone boy THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF EVERY SINGLE STORY EVER namely Aang who celebrated his unlikely survival by skinny-dipping in freezing water and getting himself trapped in an iceberg THAT'S A NEAT TRICK for a hundred years.

"Enter the young Prince Zuko whose greatest power was the ability to shoot his mouth off at the most inconvenient times and places imaginable and after mouthing off to his pa one too many times got banished from the whole Fire nation DUDE THAT'S HARSH with the supposed mission of finding and capturing the Avatar whom no one had seen in a century. I think that was supposed to be a joke on the Fire Lord's part because he tended to laugh at things like that but then he also laughed when he lit babies on fire so it was always pretty hard to tell when he was just fooling around. In any event Zuko sailed off to find the Avatar or die trying and spent the next three years wandering the lands and chasing rumors and investigating old ruins and ignoring his STUPID girlfriend back home and getting angry at his lack of progress and yelling at his crew because he was so angry until the day he arrived in the waters of the Southern Water Tribe.

"Some spirit must have TAKEN PITY ON ME because right then and there the Avatar was awakened from his sleep by a pair of Water Tribe kids just when Zuko was passing by and that kicked off an epic chase in which Zuko constantly followed and tried to capture the Avatar but sometimes tried to kill him because that was a little easier but mostly tried to capture him and by the way the whole time he showed no interest in the Water Tribe girl THANKS FOR ASKING. This actually wouldn't have been a bad situation and maybe Zuko kind of sort of would have at some point maybe I THINK I SAID 'MAYBE' ALREADY succeeded in grabbing Aang but this stupid Admiral Zhao decided he wanted to impress Ozai and show up Zuko by grabbing Aang for himself but accomplished nothing more than making Zuko have to team up with the Avatar a few times thus planting the seeds of what everyone and Ty Lee could see would become an epic friendship. Oh, and he killed a fish, too. Zhao, I mean.

"Zuko and the Avatar becoming buddies obviously wouldn't have been a good thing so Zuko's sister Azula AND A COUPLE FRIENDS were sent to go bring Zuko home and take care of that whole Avatar situation for him because we were all really on a bit of schedule what with the super fire comet of DOOM on its way that the big bads wanted to use to burn all the world's babies and the Avatar probably would have had a problem with that. The only problem was that Zuko finally figured out that maybe his dad wasn't the nicest person in the world and was actually a bit of jerk for what he did to him and no one YOU KNOW EXCEPT HIS WHOLE NATION would have a problem if he joined up with the Avatar to steal the throne for himself. A lot of people give Zuko a lot of credit for this but honestly I don't think he put a whole lot of thought into it because he was mainly just feeling really guilty about Sozin killing the Air Nomads because his Uncle was bringing it up every time he opened his mouth and I also think Zuko kind of liked Aang and wanted to try hanging out with him to see if they could actually be friends and if you think that sounds silly keep in mind Zuko never had a friend of his own before and it was probably a pretty exciting idea to him.

"Well it turned out that Aang could be a pretty likable little kid and Zuko was finally happy for the first time in his life ever THAT DIRTY RAT and he worked with the Avatar's friends to beat up his dad and sister and save the world. Aang and Zuko pledged to everyone that they would be running things from now on and not to be worried because they're nice guys HONEST and if everyone just did what they said everything would be all right and somewhere in the Spirit World Sozin and Roku were smiling because their heirs had finally succeeded in efficiently taking over the world HEY I'M TELLING THE TRUTH IT'S ALL IN THE SUBTEXT. They also hug all the time now.

"I seem to have a different concept of 'epic' than the whole rest of humanity."


	12. Zutara

**Mai on... Zutara?!**

"...

"Fine.

"There are a lot of ships on Avatar: The Last Airbender that NEVER HAPPENED, but the most infamous of all is the completely imaginary passion between Katara of the Southern Water Tribe and Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation.

"Zuko as we all know was really big on capturing the Avatar and restoring his HONOR and earning the love of his daddy and someday getting the throne so that he could rule the world and there's something in there about making time with his girlfriend BUT NOT MUCH but before he could do that he needed to complete the first step and have Aang in his possession for more than FIVE MINUTES. Thus he spent a lot of time chasing the Avatar around the world and as a side effect was also chasing around a little Lemur who looks like a KITTY CAT and a giant Air Bison with a hygiene problem and a rather useless HOT young Water Tribe warrior and OH YEAH a Water Tribe Waterbending Water-Maiden named Katara.

"Knowing Zuko it probably took him a couple of encounters to even realize there was a female in the group HERE'S A HINT THEY USUALLY HAVE LONG HAIR but regardless she still didn't become a focus until one incident when she was literally the only member of the group standing in front of him at the time. Even if the we added the Lemur to the unfortunate meeting I bet Zuko's attention would have immediately moved off the Water Girl but it was just the two of them so Zuko grabbed her by her arms WATCH THE HANDS and proceeded to tie her to a tree THERE WERE NO APPLES IN IT while he interrogated her about the Avatar's whereabouts and goals and what color underwear he favored and all the other things Zuko swears were necessary for hunting the kid down. For a guy who wasn't paying much attention to his actual captive though Zuko was sure standing very close to her and had his hands way too close to places his hands had no place being and honestly the whole situation is very uncomfortable and I can see where the Water Chick may have gotten the completely wrong idea but you have to understand that Zuko just isn't like that with girls he likes REALLY because he's a shy klutz who's bad at everything that comes before the kissing AND WE SHOULD MOVE ON NOW.

"Zuko and Katara didn't lay eyes on each other again until they were both at the North Pole and Zuko was trying to kidnap the Avatar while he was taking a nap or something and Katara was trying to stop that very same thing from happening. I notice that again they were the only two conscious people around so Zuko had no choice but to look and talk and OH YEAH fight with the Waterbender for a little while. Katara really wiped the floor with him but it was at night and the moon was full or almost full or something so she really had a major advantage OR SO ZUKO KEEPS REMINDING US and she froze him all up in a big wall of ice and won the fight. I wonder if the Water Thrower can feel vibrations and stuff through ice and water like the little blind Earthbender can but GRR MAYBE I SHOULD MOVE ON NOW. As soon as the sun rose Zuko melted his way back on his feet and threw Katara headfirst into a wooden pole GEEZ THAT WAS REAL NICE WATCH THE HEAD NEXT TIME.

"Needless to say Zuko wound up losing the Avatar again and by that time we were all real tired of waiting for him to get it right so Azula came over to take over and after a little while tracked down Zuko and locked him up. In a completely unrelated incident BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T HANGING OUT Azula captured Katara too and didn't kill her because she could be useful as bait for the Avatar or something even though I don't know how he was supposed to know we had her but for the time being Azula stuck Katara in the same unsupervised cave as Zuko JUST TO ANNOY ME I'M SURE.

"Again I must remind that there was literally nothing to look at in that cave BUT KATARA so I really can't blame Zuko for letting his eyes roam a little and everything was perfectly harmless I'm sure because he really does know better despite what many would think because he knows I would CUT OFF HIS SKIN WITHOUT KILLING HIM if anything salacious happened so everything must have been okay. They bonded a little about both of them missing their mommies and that's hardly a romantic discussion because the world already has one person who can still get frisky after talking about his mother's death OH SOKKA HOW COULD YOU and more than one person would just be ridiculous even though Katara is that person's sister. Zuko at least gets really bummed about his mother still so whatever was in the Water Witch's mind when she was running her hands over his face is unimportant because Zuko thought she was just giving him a medical examination and trust me if you knew about how Azula used to play 'Doctor' when we were little SHE LIKED SCALPELS AND TONGUE DEPRESSORS you know that Zuko was really not feeling the love at that moment. And anyway the Avatar immediately showed up right then and there and we all know about how CONFUSED Katara was about the kid since she was always lounging in front of him in her underwear and groping him and kissing him in caves OH SPIRITS I just realized she probably just likes being naughty in caves and doesn't care about which boy she's with at the time. But Zuko joined back up with Azula and then killed the Avatar so it all worked out in the end.

"A little while later AW INFERNO HOW MUCH TIME DID THEY SPEND TOGETHER Zuko ran away from his daddy again and joined up with the Avatar's group so that he could say he was sorry for killing the Avatar and I really don't know how that works but the Avatar was cool with Zuko killing him and allowed bygones to be bygones. The Waterbender was still a little miffed about it though and told Zuko that if he so much as thought about her and a cave in the same mental bubble she would cut off his skin and then kill him WHAT DO YOU KNOW I WAS SAYING THE SAME THING so it's safe to conclude that he made sure he never spent time with the girl without someone big and strong around to protect him OOH PICK SOKKA. Zuko's really a nice boy at heart though and feels guilty when people hate him SO HE FEELS GUILTY ALL THE TIME so he gave the Waterbender the man who killed her mother as a present because all he really knew about her was that she liked her mother and hated people who killed her mother and all he knew about presents is that Azula made his birthdays a set of really lousy experiences. She warmed up to him after that because it's the thought that counts no matter how flawed it is and really they were never going to kill Ozai if the group was still busy building character so she helped him beat up Azula and then left him to marry Aang. Any stories floating around about how he died for her out of love are obviously not true because if he died then he couldn't still be around because I think only the Avatar can do that because he's done it three or four times already and I've never seen anyone else give it a successful try. Anyway soon after that fight with Azula I was allowed to come out my concentrated super happy fun in a cage time with Ty Lee so Zuko and I could finally give that whole love-thing a proper go and I KNOW I haven't seen anything suspicious with the Water Whirler since then so we're all doing great.

"I used to waste time talking about worthless emotions. Now I talk about worthless delusions about worthless emotions. I'm moving up in the world."


	13. Tokka

**Mai on... Tokka!**

"Except for a select few who have been handpicked by the Spirits themselves to experience mutual and nonfatal love, most of the relationships in Avatar: The Last Airbender tend to be an excuse for a chorus of whining and sobbing. The exception that proves the rule is the one-sided crush that Toph Bei Fong harbored for Sokka of the Water Tribe.

"Despite being tiny and blind and pale HEY WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT LAST ONE Toph is the greatest Earthbender in the world and the one only person in the history of ever to be able to twist metal around like a threadbare towel with her bare hands. Despite possessing a level of strength that most modestly-sized armies would be jealous of Toph has a real problem dealing with her feelings OH NO I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING and has developed the bad habit of running or hiding from every situation that doesn't make her feel like queen of the world. Rather than just going ahead and saying, "Yo! Let's kiss!" to the boys she likes TRY IT SOMETIME IT WORKED GREAT FOR ME she instead does everything in her power to keep her feelings to herself which is a lot easier than it sounds because she looks like a boy anyway so no one worthwhile pays her any attention.

"On the opposite end of the spectrum is Sokka, who as a typical teenage boy OKAY MAYBE NOT SO TYPICAL IN THE 'LOOKS' DEPARTMENT falls in love with everything in a skirt he has ever encountered and balances his undeniably HYPNOTIZING good looks with a personality that I will generously call 'effeminate' OR MAYBE WIMPY SINCE IT'S LESS LETTERS and a pick-up strategy that can be simply described as a charging rhino wearing a blindfold. Fortunately for him OR MAYBE IT'S A CONSPIRACY HMMMM all the girls he's ever shown an interest have been more than happy to take charge of getting the relationship to the hotter stages.

"The obvious exception of course is Toph who set a record for wasted opportunities considering that she literally lived with the guy for half a year with no supervision except for his sister who didn't care what he did with who OR WOULD THAT BE WHO HE DID WITH WHAT and the Avatar who as we all know had way too much on his mind HINT KATARA HINT THAT WAS LAME to even concentrate on his bending lessons. To be fair WHY NOT JUST THIS ONCE by the time Toph figured out what lust was and that she experiencing it for Sokka his much curvier and sweeter love interest Suki was hanging around in her "Pay attention to me!" makeup. Considering how sweet and smart and deadly and wise and UGH Suki was there's really no way in Inferno that Toph was going to be able to compete for a teenage boy's attention so she did the only thing she could think of and threw herself headfirst into a lake with rocks in her pockets just to end the pain. Perhaps the Spirits weren't so bad though because they had Sokka try to leap in after her to save her life and she was very much ready MAYBE A LITTLE TOO READY to kiss him for it but then Suki saw what was going on and jumped in first and took the kiss like a good bodyguard. I guess Avatar groupies trump Spirits.

"That must have really demoralized Toph because even after Suki left THAT WAS QUICK I WONDER WHO SHE WAS RUNNING BACK TO the kid still couldn't bring herself to even halfheartedly throw herself at Sokka in hopes that he'd finally notice her but at least she wasn't whining so she's still doing better than the other people she knew. Her time with Sokka was all hidden blushes and unusually frank discussions of inner fears HERE'S A HINT THE GUYS NEVER NOTICE THAT JUST TRY KISSING THEM and secretly meaningful handclasps and fun shenanigans and life-saving tackles and all those other things that you think would be more important to guys than curves but just aren't until after they hit their twenties. It all worked out in the end though because as bad as guys are with all this stuff some girls can be even worse and Toph forgot her epic love for Sokka quick enough as soon as Zuko started hanging out with the group even though he already had a girlfriend who was probably still alive THANKS FOR ASKING.

"Sometimes I think I should give lessons on love to all the lost little girls out there. Then I remember I don't care."


	14. Maiko

**Mai on... Maiko!**

"So for some reason out of all the ships on Avatar: The Last Airbender my own romance with Zuko has received a completely undeserving amount of attention, about 86 percent of which is overwhelmingly negative, even though we both really just wanted to snuggle together without being interrupted. So fine, let's by all means go over it and get it out of the collective system of the whole world plus Ty Lee.

"I met Zuko when I was just a little girl with ribbons in my hair OH SO CUTE NO WAIT I'M UGLY and hanging out with his psychopathic sociopathic inhuman THAT MIGHT BE REDUNDANT little sister Azula. Now you have to keep in mind that I was a shy little thing back then and didn't like to talk at all although I've gotten a little better at it but back then my favored method of communication was running and hiding. I would go over to the palace to play games with OR MAYBE JUST GET LIT ON FIRE BY Azula and her other friend Ty Lee and I started seeing Zuko around a little but not much because he isn't a complete moron DESPITE ALL THE EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY and he did his best not only to stay far away from Azula but also keep to the company of someone who could protect him from her which was usually his gentle loving mother OKAY MAYBE HE IS AN IDIOT. I could never bring myself to talk to him and honestly I'm not even sure how I started liking him but he was kind of cute AND GREW UP INTO A RAGING FIRE OF HOTNESS and seemed kind of gentle BECAUSE THERE WERE NO AVATARS AROUND BACK THEN and unlike a lot of people I knew he didn't go out of his way to make anyone feel bad BUT WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY SMELLY WATERBENDERS HE COULD TAKE HIS RAGE OUT ON and he really disliked Azula for all the mean things she did BUT OH WAIT THAT'S STILL THE SAME. So it came to the point where I really just liked being around him and seeing him made me happy but little children in the Fire Nation are taught to be afraid of happiness so I could only blush at him from afar like a delicate little damsel in love I LIKE MYSELF A LOT BETTER NOW THAT I THROW KNIVES AT PEOPLE. Azula noticed my affection for her brother and exploited it to the fullest and of course it was really embarrassing but it was better than being lit on fire by her even though she did both at the same time once or twice but I had no other friends so I put up with it and grew up into a happy healthy girl who wears dark colors and stabs people and cuts herself.

"Just as I was about to grow a backbone and broach the subject of my affections with Zuko by GRABBING HIM BY THE SHOULDERS AND SUCKING HIS FACE OFF he ran head first into the 'While you livin' unda ma roof!' argument with his daddy and got himself banished OOH THAT'S NOT GOOD from the whole Fire Nation OH NO WHAT A DISASTER until he could track down and capture MAYBE THERE'S HOPE a guy who hadn't been seen in a hundred years and was known for killing whole armies of benders back in his day NEVER MIND I'M GOING TO JUST GO DROWN MYSELF NOW. Zuko took off with his uncle to travel the world and waste his life away leaving me to make the best of spending every single day of the rest of my life with Azula and Ty Lee ZUKO WAIT TAKE ME WITH YOU! In all honestly at least they were sometimes sort of real friends to me and at least helped make me into what I am today because I kind of like who I am despite all my so-called flaws so of course even that little bit of happiness was taken from me and my parents made me come with them to the Earth Kingdom to run a savage little city and it's not that I'm really this much of a whiner but everyone expects it of me and giving them what they want is a great cover for getting one of my knives ready LOOK AT OUT BEHIND YOU I GOTS A KNIFE HA HA MADE YOU LOOK.

"At that point of my life a little ray of hope WHERE ARE MY SUNGLASSES shone down upon me when Azula came over to play and asked me if I'd like to help track down her brother DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK so that he could be brought back to the Fire Nation in chains MEH THAT'S LIKE OUR CHILDHOOD IN A NUTSHELL ANYWAY. I readily agreed but soon found to my ever-present boredom that Azula was more interested in tracking down this bald little Airbender than her brother GOOD TO SEE HER SHOWING SOME INTEREST IN GUYS and then for kicks'n'giggle we took down the whole Earth Kingdom. One positive outcome of the whole drawn out affair was that we found Zuko and he WONDER OF WONDERS had decided to join up with us again to kill that Avatar kid and come back home to regain his honor MIRACLE OF MIRACLES and hey while he was hanging around he may as well spend all his free time kissing me AGNI HAS GIVEN YOU TO ME HOORAY!

"Of course, that didn't last.

"Zuko finally figured out that his daddy and his sister weren't very nice people GOOD JOB IT ONLY TOOK YOU SIXTEEN YEARS and that destroying the world may not be the best idea I'M AMBIVALENT ON THE SUBJECT so he ran away to help the Avatar destroy his nation and kill his family and ruin the hopes and dreams of a quiet teenage girl who would really like just once to be happy YOU SELFISH SELFISH JERK. Zuko being Zuko he didn't last two weeks at his new job before he screwed it up and got himself captured by Azula and where Azula goes her loyal mindless little minions go so Ty Lee and I rode with her to Alcatraz where Zuko was waiting and she was even nice enough to give me a chance to blow off some steam and rant at him for his idiocy NOW I USE THESE SO-CALLED 'RAMBLINGS' FOR THAT but he had by that point achieved enlightenment or something and while he felt really bad about the whole thing HONEST he was adamant that not destroying the world was more important I'M A TEENAGE GIRL YOU NINNY THAT ARGUMENT DOESN'T FLY FOR ME but then before we could kiss and make up because that had to be coming up soon Zuko's friends launched their escape attempt and Zuko had to leave and since I probably was looking pretty mad so he locked me in a room so that I wouldn't try to stop him OH NO ALONE IN THE DARK AGAIN I THINK I'LL CUT MYSELF and he ran away to continue his noble quest.

"Zuko being Zuko I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT AT THIS POINT he messed up his escape attempt and the Alcatraz people were about to send him on a long walk off a short gondola rope thing into a boiling lake BECAUSE IT WAS THE LAKE THAT WAS BOILING NOT THE ROCK and Azula was just going to let it happen and I didn't really want it to happen but it was going happen and no one was going to make it not happen unless maybe I did something to make it not happen but I'd get myself in big trouble if I made it not happen but because I'm not actually a completely selfish jerk WHAT A TWIST I made it not happen. Really. It was fun.

"Azula considered my actions a bit of a bit betrayal and she was really mad like even madder than the time her mommy stopped her daddy from cutting out Zuko's heart on a stone slab but before she could unleash her full fury in a firestorm that would crisp my unhealthy pale skin from my healthy but slender bones I took the opportunity to get a quick little meaningless jab in there and told her AND I QUOTE, ' I guess you just don't know people as well as you think you do. You miscalculated. I love Zuko more than I fear you.'

"Oh yeah, I went there.

"I was fully expecting to die but Ty Lee as ever displayed a complete inability to assess odds with any degree of accuracy and turned on Azula to save me GREAT NOW I CAN FEEL GUILTY FOR THAT and so we both got locked up in Alcatraz and if you don't mind I'd really rather not go into detail about what sitting next to Ty Lee in a cell for ten solid years THAT'S AN ESTIMATE is like and just when it seemed all hope was lost OOH DRAMATIC NO WAIT THINGS ARE ALWAYS LIKE THAT I got let out of prison because Zuko and the Avatar had in fact NOT screwed things up and had locked up Zuko's daddy and sister. I really should have given him more grief for the whole thing but as whiny as I can be I'm not one to waste anything so I grabbed Zuko by his shoulders and sucked his face off and will continue to do so until the day I die.

"Ha."


	15. Zukka

**Mai on... Zukka!**

"They say that opposites attract, but there's a lot to be said for similarities as well, as demonstrated by the smoking hot friendship between Sokka and Zuko.

"Sokka grew up in a loving snow-logged household with a mommy and a daddy and a cute little sister and everyone got along and functioned like normal people and so when he developed an inferiority complex out of the blue he forever put to rest the theory that all a peron's problems are caused by traumatic childhoods DON'T WORRY I'M STILL HERE TO BACK THAT UP. Sokka more than anything wanted to be a HOT warrior worthy of his father's attentions but since he already had his father's attentions he could get away with pelting Firebenders with snowballs OOH SO COLD and weapon-specializing with a boomerang of all the various implements of war. The amount of work he put into even those tactical choices is best illustrated by the fact that he never once won a snowball against his sister even when she wasn't Waterbending. The Spirits must have figured Sokka was getting away with too much INCLUDING HIS UNFAIR HOT LOOKS and so sent some Firebenders to kill his mommy BOO HOO YOU LOST A PARENT JOIN THE CLUB and prompted his father to go sailing to war without his deadweight offspring.

"At the same time Zuko was having a real go at a HOT psychological quagmire between getting verbally lashed by his father, abandoned by his loving but COMPLETELY MISGUIDED mother, tortured by his sister, and ignored by the absolute love of his life I WONDER WHO THAT WAS in what he insists was a parade of misfortune that is the reason he spent most of his HOT teenage years picking on people smaller than him. Zuko as we all know eventually got sent out to prove his MANLY worth against a hundred-year-old man with a penchant for running and hiding from Firebenders, but before he could discover that his target was in fact a small hairless boy with a penchant for running from Firebenders, he had to fight the boy's MANLY warrior protector OH WAIT FORGET THAT IT'S JUST SOKKA.

"The two were much too busy trying to look MANLY and competent in battle for whatever members of their family they thought actually cared to really bond or even form much of a rivalry, but after a while Zuko realized his father was always going to think of Azula as more MANLY than him so he ran away to go hang out with people who were shorter and wimpier than him so of course he ended up with the Avatar and of course OF COURSE wound up bonding with Sokka and going on MANLY adventures with him. They went to Alcatraz to free Sokka's father from imprisonment ON NO NOTHING SYMBOLIC ABOUT THAT and proved that they weren't complete idiots by actually learning a little something from each other like the valuing of staying positive and not over-planning and trusting to hope and doing something to make sure your escape-vehicle can't be stopped and dropped into a boiling lake OOPS I GUESS THEY FORGOT SOMETHING. In the end, they had to get saved by their girlfriends YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT BY THE WAY and afterward stuck to their place as the wimps who should stay out of the way and look hot for their more competent female friends.

"I'd say something more, but that last mental image is occupying too much of my attention."


	16. Zhue

**Mai on... Zhue!**

"For some reason a lot of people really like the idea behind a romance between a member of the Fire Nation and a savage from the Water Tribes. One of the more popular of these, amongst those who consider sanity over-rated, is the sub-textual relationship between Admiral Zhao and Princess Yue.

"Yue was the daughter of High Chief Arnook of the Northern Water tribe and his only offspring at all and perhaps even his only family because we never saw hide nor hair BUT IN THOSE PARKAS IT'S HARD TO SEE ANYTHING of a wife but despite this he never seemed to be the doting type PROBABLY BECAUSE EVERYONE LOST A PARENT OR TWO SO IT'S HARDLY WORTH CRYING OVER. In fact Arnook-y HA HA SAY IT OUT LOUD came across as a bit of a jerk because he was forcing his daughter to marry a guy she didn't like at all even though Sokka was around and she really liked him BUT THEN WHO DOESN'T and then to add insult to injury he went and made Sokka her bodyguard during the Fire Nation's siege MORE ON THAT IN A SECOND even though she had spent the last week sobbing in public over the social customs that prevented her from throwing herself into Sokka's arms and sucking his face off. How Sokka could show any interest in such a wilting flower DO THEY HAVE FLOWERS UP THERE MAYBE SHE'S MORE OF A WILTING KELP LEAF is completely beyond my understanding but since his sister was a rather dominating type and the last girl who showed any romantic interest in him forced him into a dress and then beat him up I can see how he was maybe enjoying a temporary change of pace.

"Meanwhile, Zhao was being his typical ambitious self and climbing ranks in the Fire Nation military/navy thing at a faster rate than Iroh had tumbled down them during his fall from grace. Zhao was leading a rather empty life with only the prospect of earning the Fire Lord's favor driving him onward OOH WHAT A PRIZE IT DID WONDERS FOR MY FAMILY but considering how much good that same favor did for Azula in the end I guess he was going to be heading for a bad time regardless. Zhao's latest plot was to one-up Zuko LIKE THAT'S REALLY HARD by capturing the Avatar and while he was at the North Pole doing that anyway he figured it couldn't hurt to also conquer the Northern Water Tribe and kill and spirits backing them up. Let it never be said that Zhao knew when to quit. So he brought a whole bunch of boats and Firebenders and went spirit-hunting.

"Whatever else his faults you can't say that Zhao was a complete incompetent I'M TOO APATHETIC TO CALCULATE THE PERCENTAGES and he actually got as far as finding and identifying the Moon and Ocean spirits when everybody and Zuko tracked him down and threatened to put him in the ground if he so much as thought about fish and chips. As these power-trippers are wont to do Zhao ignored them and flamed the Moon fish and then ran like Inferno because he was outclassed in every way, shape, and form by the forces united AND TICKED OFF against him. Zuko caught up with him and took the time HELLO END OF THE WORLD HERE to prove that Zhao was the absolute weakest fighter on the whole planet by effortlessly beating him up when the Ocean fish finally caught up with them and dragged the good admiral underwater to his doom. Zuko claims he tried to save Zhao but the prospect of having to explain to the Fire Lord that his disgraced son saved him from a fish was too humiliating so he let himself drown.

"Meanwhile back at the high holy aquarium perfect Princess Yue was revealed to be a substitute Moon spirit because she had white hair and took swimming lessons as a baby and apparently her father had promised the fishes she would die for them if only they would give him a few years he could use to make her absolutely miserable WOW FATHER OF THE CENTURY HE AND OZAI WOULD GET ALONG. Sokka was really sad about the whole thing because Yue was the last girl on the planet he could claim he was tougher than so his future looked to be depressingly emasculating. To take stock of the whole situation HONESTY THIS IS REALLY HARD TO FOLLOW Yue became a Moon fish because Zhao fried the old Moon fish and in revenge the Ocean fish took Zhao for a swim. At this point only a Fortuneteller IF YOU BELIEVE THAT SORT OF THING could tell the rest of the story but if you ask me Zhao would be hanging around the Spirit World looking for someone weaker than himself to boss around and Yue had a lifetime's experience of being bossed around by male jerks and also had an established history of running into the arms of morons to escape uncomfortable arranged marriages so it was really only a matter of time LIKE FIVE SECONDS until Yue and Zhao got together and bonded over dominating fishes and the Moon and dying in uncomfortably cold environments and if Yue really cared about being true to Sokka a certain Earthbender and a certain clown girl would have had unfortunate accidents while crossing bodies of water at night.

"I know I'll make a lot of people angry with this, so that's why I'm going to note that this couple is officially 'sleeping with the fishes'. I know, I'm mean."


	17. Harutara

**Mai on... Harutara!**

"For some reason most of the guys on Avatar: The Last Airbender are a bunch of wimps who can only reach for what they want if a woman agrees to let them stand on her back for extra height. Nowhere is this more depressingly demonstrated than in the non-starter of a ship between Katara and the Earthbender Haru.

"The two met when the Avatar blew into town with his little posse which was truly rather little back then with just Sokka and Katara BUT THEN WHO NEEDS MORE EYE CANDY THAN THAT and they ran into Haru while he was practicing his Earthbending. So he was throwing around huge rocks and demonstrating his mastery over the very element that all human beings must walk on when suddenly a little girl and a tiny bald rugrat discover him and instead of saying hello LET'S KISS NOW or asking if the intruders be friend or foe IS THE CHICK IN BLUE SEEING ANYONE he ran away screaming like a kid whose sandcastle had just been kicked over by Azula. Either Katara had gotten a good look at his face or else her mothering instincts pegged Haru as being a big blip on her 'Needs a Hug!' radar I WAS MAKING UP THAT METAPHOR AS I WENT because she convinced her friends to follow him WHAT A STALKER and confront him in his home.

"It turned out that Haru was living with his mommy BY AGNI HE'S LIKE AN EARTHBENDING ZUKO all by their lonesome because his dad was arrested by the Fire Nation for practicing his Earthbending HEY YOU DO THE CRIME YOU DO THE TIME and sent away to an island prison BUT IT WASN'T BOILING AT ALL IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING. Haru proved that at least he played on the more popular side of the river when he played this up as much as he could for Katara and WOW did that ever work. He got to go on a long walk with her as the sun set I'M NOT THAT FOND OF ORANGE MYSELF BUT ZUKO MAKES IT FUN and he impressed her by saving an old dude from certain death SHE FINDS THAT EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN NICE ABS and they bonded a bit about being half-orphans ANOTHER MINUTE AND SHE WOULD HAVE STARTED STRIPPING before heading back home.

"When Katara woke up the next morning though AND LOOKING FOR A LITTLE MAN-MEAT BREAKFAST she found out that Haru had been arrested in the night for his prior Earthbending and sent to the same prison his as his father. She was instantly jealous that he was getting a family reunion and she never would so she staged a barroom brawl with her brother and got herself arrested. She found Haru easily enough but now that they couldn't bond over losing their favorite parent she began to lose interest in him quickly and by the time their overly-complicated escape plan was enacted she was back to being CONFUSED about her favorite little bald monk. Haru came close to making a last ditch attempt for her but he completely missed his opportunity when she realized she lost her mother's oddly uncooked necklace and in doing so had lots more time for parent-based angsting that Haru was never going to be able to compete with. If he had perhaps grabbed her by the waist and laid a macking on her he may have been able to induce puberty in Katara and regain her attention but Earthbenders apparently have a problem making the first move JUST LIKE THAT LITTLE BLIND KID and by the time they met up again the Avatar was parading around without a shirt and even a new mustache wasn't going to salvage anything for poor lonely Haru.

"I have to hand it to those Airbenders... they're the only ones that come close to matching the passion of us Fire Nation romantics."


	18. Jinko

**Mai on... Jinko!**

"For reasons completely beyond my comprehension a lot of people don't like my relationship with Zuko and would rather see him with any number of other girls who would supposedly be 'better' for him. The startling part of this is that neither Zuko nor any of the girls in question showed any interest in such a romance, with one single exception- Jin, the girl Zuko took out on a date in Ba Sing Se.

"No one NOT EVEN ZUKO knows much about Jin other than that she lives like a pauper I WONDER IF SHE LISTS 'PAUPER' AS PAST WORK EXPERIENCE in Ba Sing Se and really likes tea. Even that last bit is debatable but she came to the Tea Shop where Iron and Zuko were working for some reason HEY MAYBE SHE WAS ON ANOTHER DATE WHAT A FLOOZY and while there noticed what everyone and Ty Lee already had, namely that despite the huge dehumanizing scar Zuko's dad gave him the boy is one of the hottest most drool-inducing men walking the planet. I really can't blame the girl for this because if I did then I'd have to blame myself and I try to avoid blaming myself for anything with a religious fervor and besides it's not like it's hard when my parents were such jerks to me and Azula was such a jerk to me and Zuko was also kind of a jerk to me for a while and don't you just feel sorry for me now? NO? THAT'S OKAY I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TOO SO WHERE WERE WE AH YES! Anyway Jin decided she wanted a chance with Zuko and asked him out to dinner and a show HER LIPS WERE THE MAIN ATTRACTION.

"To his credit Zuko was a good loyal boy who didn't want to betray me YEAH I'M SURE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS THINKING and Iroh was forced to accept the invitations for his tongue-tied nephew. He had already been exiled from the Fire Nation by his daddy IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT GETTING INTO FIGHTS AT BOARD MEETINGS and then made into a criminal by his sister Azula TURNS OUT BEING A LOSER IS A CRIME IN THE FIRE NATION WHO KNEW and had been forced by this point to live an anonymous life as a peasant in the Earth Kingdom but AGNI BLESS THE BOY he still held out hope that he could fix everything up and come back to home to marry me YES I'M SURE ABOUT THAT I CAN READ MINDS YOU KNOW. So Zuko was forced to go out on this date with Jin and for all the girl's efforts LIKE PARADING AROUND WITHOUT ANY UNDERWEAR ON BENEATH HER ROBE Zuko did a fantastic job of having a miserable time and being as rude as he could be without actually attacking the girl.

"To her credit DEPENDING ON WHETHER YOU'RE ZUKO'S DESTINED GIRLFRIEND OR NOT Jin stayed positive through the whole experience and ignored all the insults and did her best to make Zuko smile TRY TICKLING HIM HE'S ACTUALLY REALLY TICKLISH but nothing worked until she dragged him down a dark ally OH MY REMEMBER NO MEANS NO to some kind of romantic fountain where she was planning on putting the high grade moves on my man. Zuko's really just a softy at heart SHH IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET and when he saw how disappointed she was about both his behavior and the fountain not being lit up he did a nice thing and secretly used his Firebending to ignite the candles AH YOU IDIOT WHAT ABOUT WITNESSES NO WONDER YOU'RE WANTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST COMMON SENSE and make Jin smile. She of course took that as a green light and threw herself on my boyfriend and began sucking his face off I WILL STAY CALM I WILL STAY CALM I WILL STAY CALM but Zuko put a stop to things OOH GOOD BOY and ran back home in a "We're done!' kind of way after telling her that his life was too complicated 'COMPLICATED' FOR ZUKO IS LIKE 'CONFUSED' FOR KATARA IT MEANS 'I DON'T LIKE YOU FREAK'.

"Jin was left alone and disappointed but don't worry because a girl like that isn't lonely for very long and by the time I met her she was all smiles again and completely okay with the fact that Zuko and I were obviously together and happy and locked in for life and she didn't make any fuss about it so I can reluctantly admit I have no problem with the her I LIKE HER BETTER THAN THE WATERBENDER and am even a little grateful she gave Zuko a few kissing lessons because he improved a lot I MEAN HE WAS GOOD BEFORE BUT NOW HE'S GOOOOOOOD while he was away but maybe that also had something to do with the fact that we both puberty in the meantime. Jin is still living in Ba Sing Se and was still hanging out in the old Tea Shop so I'm sure she used her good looks and perky personality to get herself a more available waiter boyfriend and is now very happy and sick of tea.

"That's the kind of love story I like- the ones where, in the end, I win."


	19. Katakka

**Mai on... Katakka!**

"Considering the jaw-dropping number of dysfunctional family relationships on Avatar: The Last Airbender, it's positively amazing that the very first we were introduced to was the realistically healthy sibling bond between Sokka and Katara of the Southern Water Tribe.

"Sokka and Katara were born of Hakoda and Kya who were a rather handsome pair FOR INBRED SMELLY WATER TRIBERS and tried to raise their children in a healthy loving environment where they could grow into strong honorable young warriors but then the Fire Nation came and crispified Kya so that all went down the drain rather dramatically. Even though a similar incident started Zuko and Azula on a path to regular attempts to murder each other BUT IT WAS VERY AFFECTIONATE MURDER Sokka and Katara somehow managed to get through with their PLATONIC love intact and only slightly tarnished by a tendency to snark at each other in all kinds of completely inappropriate situations. That happened with a mind-numbing frequency because Sokka was very much a homebody personality HEY MY HOME HAS SOME OPENINGS who wanted nothing more than to be the chief defensive warrior of his tribe and return every night to a docile wife who would cook him meat and fawn all over his strength and bravery I'M SORRY SOKKA I'M AFRAID IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK OUT while his sister is a 3rd-generation FemiNazi looking to travel the world hunting down every last patriarchal society on the planet to overthrow their corrupt rulers with her epic Waterbending abilities and create a global woman-worshiping government run by docile males HMMM MAYBE WE SHOULD TRADE NOTES SOME TIME. However their otherwise peaceful coexistence might have something to do with the fact that they were the only kids their age left in the whole tribe so if they wanted someone to talk to who wasn't still potty-training or concerned with helping offspring to potty-train NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HUNG OUT WITH AZULA AND TY LEE they had to find some way to get along and like each other PLATONICALLY.

"Things really got thrown for a loop when the siblings stumbled across the Avatar in a local chunk of ice I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT NEEDS TO BE SPELLED OUT WHAT ELSE COULD HE BE FOUND IN DOWN THERE IT'S JUST ALL ICE ALL THE TIME BRRRRR and got invited to join him on his epic quest to disrupt the Fire Nation's generous campaign to bring order and civilization to the world OKAY YOU GOT ME WE REALLY JUST WANTED TO BURN THINGS AND LAUGH ABOUT IT which Katara really liked because she had all kinds of CONFUSING emotions for the Avatar but Sokka found a bother because it was a lot easier protecting his sister if she wasn't actually in any danger.

"The siblings fell into a comfortable FOR WHO I WONDER routine of Katara showing off to the Avatar by constantly belittling Sokka and making fun of his COMPLETELY SENSIBLE YOU NINNY ideas about how to stay safe and out of trouble and to hear Sokka tell it he also suffered an unusual amount of random misfortunes that Katara never acknowledged or helped him out with but for some reason WHAT A WIMP TOO BAD HE LOOKS SO TASTY Sokka constantly stuck by his sister's side AND ANNOYED HER A LOT BUT REALLY IT LOOKS JUSTIFIED TO ME and supported her in everything she did that wasn't completely stupid and for her part she did go out of her way sometimes when Sokka was looking really down or upset to demonstrate her love for him and it's rather telling that the pair was willing to ditch the Avatar when he talked trash about their daddy and they work very well together under pressure so the only conclusion is that they really don't hate each other and actually maybe sort of love each other AS SIBLINGS ONLY.

"Something that's really odd to me PROBABLY BECAUSE THE WORLD FEELS THE NEED TO COMMENT ON HOW OFTEN ZUKO AND I SMOOSH LIPS was that Sokka and Katara never got involved in each other's love lives even though I would have expected an over-protective brother to be worried about someone making a move on his sister HE PROBABLY CAN'T WAIT TO GIVE HER AWAY and she in turn never once commented on his home-wrecking ways except to once taunt him for not having kissed a girl THAT'S REALLY CREEPY WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT EWWWWW but then they were both probably just happy that the other never displayed any interest in Fire Nation princes or other nobles A FAIR TRADE-OFF I'D SAY.

"In retrospect, my life would have been a lot easier if I had fallen for a Water Tribe brother with a nagging sister instead of a Fire Nation brother with a sociopathic sister. But then, with the way it worked out, I don't have to put up with the smell."


	20. Toko

**Mai on... Toko!**

"It's no great secret that half of the supposed ships spawned by Avatar lack great amounts of substance or evidence, but one of the most dubious is the one-sided crush harbored by the Earthbender Toph for my boyfriend Zuko.

"Zuko certainly wasn't without his admirers through his life IT'S BECAUSE HE'S SO HOT HEE HEE GET IT I KNOW EVERYONE DOES THAT PUN and especially his three years in exile. Something about his brooding nature AND HOT BODY and intense demeanor AND HE'S REALLY HANDSOME WHERE HE ISN'T ALL BURNED UP and unwavering self-confidence AND THAT HAIR OH AGNI WHO DOESN'T WANT TO RUN THEIR FINGERS THROUGH IT seems to attract every girl he encountered in one way or another and the great irony about the situation is that Zuko had no interest in any of them except an UGLY morose Fire Nation heiress and an easy Earth Kingdom city girl. In fact except when spending his time with said gloomy noble Zuko has displayed a stunning ignorance of romance in general and tended to meet any of the more forward advances with disinterested silence and in the more extreme cases bumbling embarrassment.

"Meanwhile Toph is the exact opposite in that she was more than willing to perpetrate a romance with every single guy she encountered OKAY MAYBE THERE WERE ONE OR TWO SHE MISSED IN ALL THE EXCITEMENT but none of them saw her as being either a desirable mate or even a girl at all in some cases SOMEONE SHOULD TELL HER THAT 'TOMBOY' IS A PERSONALITY TYPE NOT A RELIGION. The Avatar and his erotic I MEANT EXOTIC friend Sokka very explicitly chose the company of other girls to Toph's attention, firmly locking her into a friendship mode that all subsequent allies picked up on and continued with including Zuko OOH GOOD BOY when he eventually joined their group.

"You see Zuko had finally decided it was time to get his own place because he and his daddy were having some minor disagreements about the role of genocide as a foreign policy I SAY NEGOTIATIONS SHOULD PROBABLY COME FIRST and to that end he went running to his old buddy the Avatar WHAT'S A FEW MURDER ATTEMPTS BETWEEN FRIENDS looking for a place to stay and a job in his ragtag rebel legion. While there Zuko made friends with Toph which is actually a lot more surprising than it sounds because Zuko's previous friendship record was roughly 1 to 18 but Toph had met Zuko's uncle Iroh HE'S A NICE OLD MAN UNTIL YOU REALIZE HE'S PROBABLY SENILE and the two were able to bond over memories of the guy's obsession with tea and in doing so Toph must have decided that Zuko was prime marriage material I GUESS SHE WANTED TO INHERIT A TEA SHOP SOMEDAY and so began paying an undue amount of attention to him and actively worked to earn due attention from him in turn.

"Zuko remained loyal to the girlfriend he already had HE PROBABLY FELT GUILTY ABOUT THE WHOLE 'SACRIFICING MY LIFE FOR HIS' THING and didn't give in to any of Toph's fawning compliments or giggly banter or supportive ministrations or desperate attempts to get him alone on a beach BY AGNI GIRL DIAL IT BACK A LITTLE YOU'RE OVERCOMPENSATING FOR SOKKA and even though he couldn't help blushing thoroughly at how obvious the Earthbender was being he at least had the good taste not to settle for a little girl when there were much more curvy options available. She apparently took it well because she's still a happy boisterous thing and I hope that someday she finds the love she's looking for if just so that all the girlfriends in our social circles can finally rest easy.

"It's be an adorable little crush if she weren't aiming at the guy I spent blood, sweat, tears, and crushing boredom for."


	21. Katoph

**Mai on... Katoph!**

"Many epic friendships were forged during the saga of Avatar: The Last Airbender, but the most tumultuous was the snippy relationship between Katara and Toph Bei Fong.

"Katara grew up in the South Pole with her parents and a OH SO HOT older brother but early on her mommy died THE INCIDENT CAN BE SUMMED UP WITH THE WORD 'BACON' and she was left as the only one who could take care of her woefully inept male relatives BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THE GUYS WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT US thus she developed a habit of mothering anything smaller, dumber, louder, sadder, or dirtier than herself ALTHOUGH SHE MADE AN EXCPETION FOR FELLOW HALF-ORPHANS BECAUSE THAT WAS A TURN-ON FOR HER and ran with it as her own personal identity. This habit was only encouraged when she thawed out the Avatar and was recruited to follow him around picking up after him and cooking for him and bathing him and tucking him under his Bison's tail every night AWW SO CUTE I'M KIDDING I'M GOING TO VOMIT and further exacerbated by her brother who seemed to regress in maturity PERSONALITY-WISE NOT BODY-WISE as time passed on the road.

"Toph was a much more independently-minded girl who was raised by the world's most overprotective parents ever NOT THAT THERE'S MUCH COMPETITION THESE DAYS and kept a secret from everyone and anyone. Toph literally was forbidden from leaving her house and no one knew that her family even had any kids THEY DIDN'T EVEN CLAIM HER FOR TAX PURPOSES because they thought the fact that she was blind and shorter than a midget lemur made her as fragile as Ty Lee's attention span. As can be expected of anyone with even the most underdeveloped backbone Toph rebelled against this as much as she could which at first consisted of running away and later involved fighting in a professional wrestling circuit I THINK THAT SHOULD GET THE 'NON-SEQUITAR OF THE YEAR AWARD' and then finally culminated in running away with the Avatar to teach him Earthbending and committing random acts of terrorism and grand larceny when there was a little free time.

"As expected it didn't take Katara and Toph long to come to conflict because Katara quickly set about integrating Toph into their little family by assigning her chores and then shouting when they didn't get done THAT'S HOW ZUKO'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS FATHER STARTED GOING SOUR during which Katara demonstrated why 14-year-olds are not considered to be great parenting material by lowering herself to making fun of Toph's disability I FIND IT MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE TO INSULT HER LACK OF FEMININITY and nearly coming to blows AGAIN I'M REMINDED HOW OZAI'S DISCIPLINARY METHODS. Toph fully displaced her parental issues with her parents onto Katara when she rang away from the Waterbender and returned only so that she could keep crossing Katara by undermining her and hitting on her boyfriend IN TOPH'S CASE THAT DESCRIPTION IS BOTH LITERAL AND A EUPHAMISM and basically being as much of a brat as she never dared with her parents because then they would cut off her allowance.

"Toph and Katara continued their dreadful cycle of fighting and reconciling AND MUDFIGHTING WHILE THE BOYS WATCHED when Toph began running scams in various Fire Nation towns JUST IN CASE THEY COULDN'T ASSASSINATE OUR LORD THEY WERE GOING TO RUIN OUR ECONOMY and thus drawing attention to what was supposed to be a stealthy infiltration of enemy territory. Toph finally called Katara out on her tendency to act like the group's parental figure which Katara didn't like at all because if Aang thought of her as a mother then he was very unlikely to want to help her sort out her CONFUSED feelings for him AND IF HE DID CALL HER MOMMY AND ALSO WANT TO KISS HER THEN THAT WOULD JUST BE DISTURBING so Katara executed a full turnaround and offered to participate in and mastermind Toph's most dangerous and risky and visible AND STUPID scam yet. Things ended predictably enough FOR THIS CREW THAT MEANT THEY RAN AWAY WHILE LOTS OF THINGS BLEW UP AROUND THEM and the scam nearly came to a terrible end but during the trouble Katara admitted she really liked Toph and didn't want to fight with her and Toph in turn admitted that she really liked Katara and that's why she did want to fight with her and they hugged and apparently that was enough because they got along famously after that and all of their subsequent mudfights were friendly affairs that were purely for entertainment purposes.

"Zuko suggested Ty Lee and I have a mudfight once. The moron didn't stop bleeding for an hour."


	22. Azuko

**Mai on... Azuko!**

"No one can deny that the Fire Nation's royal family was more messed up than a romance between a Bison and a Lemur, but one of the sickest conflicts was between Zuko and Azula, the siblings heirs of Fire Lord Ozai.

"Zuko and Azula were the only two offspring AND BELIEVE ME TWO WAS ENOUGH FOR THAT MARRIAGE of Fire Lord Ozai and the mysterious Mother slash Angel slash Freudian Excuse slash Unresolved Plot Point SLASH FREQUENT REASON FOR WHINING Ursa, who split up due to the most epic difference of opinion ever regarding the appropriate ways to discipline a child. As a result Zuko grew up always remembering the person he had been when his mother disappeared which was a cute but rather naive little prince while Azula flourished without anyone around to object to her habit of torturing small animals and older brothers and friends and servants and various members of military command THAT'S THE SECOND TIME I'VE GONE ON LIKE THAT BUT WE HAVE A LOT OF GROUND TO COVER HERE. Zuko and Azula never really got along because as kids Azula was a brat with delusions of grandeur who liked to set the people she tolerated on fire and Zuko didn't like getting lit on fire I JUST GOT USED TO IT AFTER A WHILE so there were frequent scuffles between the two unless Ursa was around to keep everyone in line but once they grew up Azula matured and became interested in more subtle methods of spreading fear and suffering so while they didn't physically brawl as much Zuko still didn't think much of Azula's company.

"Of course the whole dynamic changed during the famous 'Hey Zuko wanna learn how to work a barbeque?' incident between Ozai and son which Azula enjoyed watching oh so much SHE LATER SAID IT WAS LIKE THE FULFILLMENT OF ALL HER CHILDHOOD DREAMS BUT I FOUND IT TO BE JUST THE OPPOSITE and Zuko wound up being banished and sent away to chase ghosts while Azula got to stay and play at being Daddy's favorite princess. It would be another three years before they met up again and there seemed to be no love lost between the two as Zuko was rather rude to Azula and in turn Azula was secretly planning on arresting Zuko and dragging him back home for execution I ALWAYS GET CONFUSED AS TO WHICH WAS THE CAUSE AND WHICH WAS THE EFFECT and the whole thing ended with Azula trying to kill Zuko with her knowledge of Direct Current and Zuko running away like he had an electric psychopath chasing after him.

"Zuko continued to try to complete his ghostbusting mission even as he ran from his sister which may seem honorable UH OH I SAID 'HONOR' THAT MEANS I'M ABOUT TO USE THE WORLD 'STUPID' but which turned out to be pretty stupid because Azula was also trying to do the very same thing so their ghost-chasing just ensured they'd keep running into each other in combat situations. Zuko wised up HEY MATHEMATICALLY SPEAKING IT HAD TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY and abandoned his quest temporarily but it turned out not to really matter because everyone wound up in the same place anyway THAT DESTINY THING CAN BE PRETTY ANNOYING SOMETIMES but Azula surprised us all by giving her brother the chance to team up with her and kill the chief ghost THIS JOKE IS GETTING OLD IT WAS REALLY ALL ABOUT THE AVATAR and return home with honor.

"A lot of people were very puzzled by this move THEY THOUGHT IT WAS STUPID because Azula supposedly never does anything nice for anybody and everyone was expecting a dramatic betrayal coming up but it never did WELL THERE WAS A BIG BETRAYAL BUT IT DIDN'T COME FROM AZULA AND ANYWAY I'LL TALK ABOUT THAT IN A SECOND but I know both siblings quite well AZULA WAS MY LIFELONG FRIEND AND I KNOW ZUKO IN A MUCH MORE ROMANTIC SENSE and it seems altogether likely to me that Azula realized during all the chasing and fighting just how much she specifically missed picking on her cute but naive brother and she brought him home with her to continue the fun in all sorts of new and exciting ways AND I REALLY DON'T THINK THINGS WERE AS DIRTY AS I JUST MADE THEM SOUND.

"Anyway Zuko didn't much like being Azula's chewtoy again and had in turn realized just how much he specifically missed chasing Avatar ghosts and so he left without so much as a goodbye and went to hang out with his former quarry. The Avatar and his crew were okay with letting Zuko chase them around on a more friendly and domestic level but they made Zuko earn his keep in their little terrorist organization and just to prove lightning can strike the same spot twice TO ZUKO'S LATER LAMENT Zuko had another wising-up moment and chose to fight his sister instead of his demi-god father.

"They clashed a few times and tried to kill each other a few times but that wasn't weird because they had already done that a lot back during all the ghost chasing but this time Azula was getting steadily crazier because all of her friends kept running away from her after having had a taste of freedom so she was a little unbalanced during her final battle with Zuko AND BY UNBALANCED I MEAN RUMOR HAD IT SHE ACCUSED HER MIRROR OF NOT LOVING HER and he was almost going to win the fight IT WAS A BIG MONTH FOR IMPROABABLE EVENTS but Azula managed to trick him into purposely getting struck by her lightning ALL WELL SUCH LUCK DOESN'T LAST FOREVER and one of his new friends had to finish the fight and save him THE EXACT IDENTITY OF THE SAVIOR ISN'T ALL THAT IMPORTANT SO LET'S JUST WRAP THIS UP.

"Zuko locked his crazy and defeated sister in a closet because even though he really hated her and wanted her to die he had plans to meet up again with his mother and he wanted to make sure first he wouldn't get in trouble for fratricide but someday maybe they will resolve their differences and be able to learn to love each other but if you ask me it's much more likely that lightning will strike the same spot for a third time AND I'M NOT BEING METAPHORICAL WHEN I SAY THAT EITHER.

"When I think it over, being mad at my little brother for spitting up on my favorite black dress seems kind of petty. But in the Fire Nation, pettiness is considered very attractive."


	23. Ty Lokka

**Mai on... Ty Lokka!**

"Of the many, many ships on Avatar: The Last Airbender that went nowhere, the one that probably got the most initial hype was the simple crush held by my friend Ty Lee for Sokka of the Water Tribe.

"Ty Lee was always was some may call a flirt but others AND I DON'T NECESSARILY MEAN MYSELF HERE OH WHO AM I KIDDING may simply dub a floozy since she couldn't help but smile at every single halfway good-looking male that crossed her path and subsequently wink and tease them for as long as their attention span AND MANLY PATIENCE held out which as Ty Lee grew up and MATURED lasted longer and longer until she actually had to petition the Fire Lord's office for some restraining orders but then completely subverted the whole idea by having them scented in a perfume I'm told is favored by upper-class seductresses but just smells like apples to me. I doubt it needs clarifying I'M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY but Ty Lee never favored any of said boys OR PRINCESS AZULA EITHER BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY with a lasting romantic relationship or even real friendship before running away from her whole life claiming that she wasn't feeling fulfilled by her wealthy AND PROMISCUOUS lifestyle I'LL GRANT THAT BEING WEALTHY IS ACTUALLY KIND OF BORING and joining a circus in the Earth Kingdom where she prostituted her agile fighting abilities as an acrobat and wore a pink outfit that was completely inappropriate for a lady of her station NEVER MIND HER BUILD.

"Sokka in turn was actually the complete opposite in that he grew up with no girls around to flirt with EXCEPT FOR HIS SISTER IF YOU GO FOR THAT KIND OF TERRIBLE THING and lived in an environment where six layers of fabric plus a fat puffy parka are considered summer-wear but as a result as soon as he got dragged into the real world he hit puberty with a vengeance and threw himself at everything with a skirt and especially girls who wore way too much makeup and tarted themselves up in NAUSEATING bright colors. The most famous example is the wonder warrior woman Suki of the Kyoshi Warriors who wowed Sokka with her overbearing inferiority complex and a skill set that sounds like it came out of some little girl's fantasy except for the fact that she wasn't a bender BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WILL BLEED and was too busy to immediately join the thoroughly smitten Sokka IT WAS JUST KISS ON THE CHEEK FOR AGNI'S SAKE IT'S NOT LIKE THERE WERE ANY APPLES INVOLVED on his quest.

"Sokka had actually been on his Avatar quest for a while when Ty Lee AND SOME FRIENDS first encountered him but there wasn't a whole lot of time to get acquainted because he was actually away for most of the fight getting the group's ride ready while we tormented his sister a bit HEY SHE STOLE MY LITTLE BROTHER I THINK IT WAS JUSTIFIED AND BESIDES I HATE BENDING PRODIGIES. We gave chase though and it was no reflection on our abilities that it took us a few weeks to catch up again but as soon as we did we made a good showing and nearly defeated the Water Tribe siblings and during that fight Ty Lee finally got a chance to get a good look AND WITH SOKKA ANY AND ALL LOOKS CAN BE CONSIDERED GOOD at the young wannabe-warrior and fell in lust but she was very professional and remained on task and disabled his limbs WAIT A SECOND MAYBE THINGS WEREN'T AS INNOCENT AS I THOUGHT but after they escaped us NO I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW Ty Lee took the time to inform me that she had a new crush object and was going to heretofore devote all of time and attention to making him her husband FORTUNATELY FOR SUKI TY LEE ONLY HAS A FEW HOURS WORTH OF PATIENCE.

"Sadly for my touchy-feely friend she didn't encounter Sokka again for a few weeks HEY SHE'S DOING THE BEST SHE CAN IT'S HARD WHEN THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IS ON A TRIP I SHOULD KNOW but when we did inside of this big metal Death Star Ty Lee took the time before the fighting to break out to give Sokka her best 'I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant you!' face and made very clear her intention to marry him before the day was out. For his part Sokka seemed open to the idea HE HAD THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT SAID HE JUST NOTICED HER TRIM BARE MIDRIFF but his sister pulled him away from the scene HEY WHAT'S WITH HER IT'S HIS DECISION and then Azula and the Avatar started fighting ALL THESE ROMANTIC PLOTS WERE CLASHING AND THERE I WAS BORED OUT OF MY MIND DOES THAT SEEM FAIR TO YOU and everybody who wasn't born in the Fire Nation ran away AND AGAIN WITH THE CHASING BORING BORING BORING BORING and Ty Lee chased after them and even followed Sokka into a river of icky mud sludge but for some reason the sight of her covered in muck didn't do anything for him I GUESS IT WASN'T COLORFUL ENOUGH and he let his Earthbending friend kick the lovelorn acrobat into the horizon while the Death Star blew up around us. Ty Lee took it very well though and I'm sure she had no idea that he was dating someone else who happened to be a clown lady warrior when we randomly encountered some of them some time afterwards and even if she did know I'm sure it wouldn't have had any bearing on how enthusiastically Ty Lee would have attacked the clown-ladies or turned her in-fight banter to comparisons of pretty-ness and OH YOU KNOW WHAT FORGET SHE MUST HAVE FIGURED IT OUT SOMEHOW I JUST HOPE SHE HADN'T BEEN STALKING ANYBODY BECAUSE THAT WOULD JUST BE GOING TOO FAR OH WHO AM I KIDDING WE HIT THAT POINT 3 NUMB LIMBS AGO.

"Azula's master plan AND I'M SURE TY LEE DIDN'T HAVE ANY SAY OR INFLUENCE IN THE MATTER was to dress up like a clown lady and infiltrate the city where Sokka was staying and again after a while YOU MAY THINK TY LEE WAS REALLY PATIENT BUT I HAD TO WAIT FOR THREE YEARS FOR MY BOY TOY the big final battle kicked off and Sokka ran headfirst into Ty Lee and her new look. She threw herself at him with all the gusto of Ozai throwing a fireball at Zuko's face but Sokka put a definite end to the whole twisted romantic epic by declaring his loyalty to Suki the Sexy Super Soldier and implying that Ty Lee should go jump in a river. Before Ty Lee could make any kind of sensible rebuttal LIKE STRIPPING one of Sokka's other devoted lovelorn followers stepped in and threw a rock at Ty Lee so like a good friend BECAUSE I KNEW I'D HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE SOBBING LATER IF THINGS DIDN'T GO WELL I engaged the Earthbender in skillful battle while Ty Lee asked Sokka for one last dance but again she was cut off from her plan of grabbing him inappropriately when Azula arrived and screamed at us all that we were going to make her late for her date with the Avatar and made us all finish things up. That was the last time Ty Lee got to see Sokka but she didn't seem to take it badly because she later became good friends with Suki joined the clown warriors PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE MISSED THE CIRCUS AND COULDN'T FIND IT AGAIN and displayed an inappropriate level of physical familiarity with whole colorful female group.

"I can kind of relate to crazy Firebenders coming between a girl and her true love, so I didn't make Ty Lee bleed too much that time shortly after losing Sokka when she flirted with Zuko. I'm too nice."


	24. Ursoh

_I've been remiss in noting this, but I'm very thankful for the good reviews I've gotten here, and especially for the "Favoriting" that's been done for this fic. Each and every comment (complimentary or otherwise) is a joy to receive, and I can't deny that being told I'm a charming funny soul is good fun. Requests for future Rambles are always taken under consideration, as well. Enjoy the product of my recovery from a nasty sinus infection..._

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**Mai on... Ursoh!**

"Of all the interesting characters in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_, my boyfriend Zuko is easily the most fascinating and developed, and the two people who wound up having the most influence on him were his mother Ursa and his uncle Iroh.

"Her Royal BY MARRIAGE Highness Ursa began life as a mysterious descendent of Avatar Roku IF YOU GO BY IROH AND KEEP IN MIND HE ISN'T EXACTLY UNINVESTED IN SUCH GOINGS ONS but she somehow snagged herself a marriage to the descendent of Roku's killer and although you'd think such a relationship would be highly awkward they apparently got a little enjoyment out of it I GUESS ARRANGED PAIRINGS AREN'T ALL BAD because soon enough little Zuko and A LITTLE WHILE LATER little Azula were toddling through the royal hallways. At the time Ozai DID I MENTION HE WAS THE DESCENDENT URSA MARRIED BECAUSE HE WAS IN CASE YOU'VE BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK was only the younger son of Fire Lord Azulon and so wasn't supposed to inherit the crown hairpiece thing unless older brother Iroh and all his offspring kicked the bucket first but Ozai wasn't exactly satisfied with that situation MAYBE HE WAS EVIL AND MAYBE HE WAS JUST POWER HUNGRY BUT HONESTLY HE PROBABLY JUST REALLY LIKED THE WAY THE CROWN HAIRPIECE WOULD LOOK IN HIS LONG FLOWING LOCKES and so began whining to his daddy that he really wanted to be Fire Lord someday. That was even less effective than one would imagine and things weren't looking so good for him as Iroh was having great success in the war and looking like he would make a fine Fire Lord someday PROVIDED YOU LIKE YOUR FIRE LORDS SHAPED LIKE A SQUAT TEA POT and his son Lu Ten was keen to be following in his daddy's footsteps.

"Lu Ten is a little mystery unto himself because I've never heard any mention of a wife for Iroh and where there's mystery there's always rampant speculation I MISS THE DAYS WHEN THE TABLOIDS WROTE ABOUT ZHAO STILL BEING ALIVE AND IF THE AVATAR WAS REALLY A BAT CHILD. One of the worst rumors is that Ursa herself was Lu Ten's mother and so must have perpetrated a romance with her husband's ugly older brother because he was such a nice guy compared to the other maniacs in the family but you have to keep mind that first Ozai probably would have noticed and not been happy about his wife having his brother's baby HONESTLY WHY DO I HAVE TO POINT THESE THINGS OUT TO PEOPLE and second Iroh himself was rumored to be a bit of a meanie back in the day because there's written proof he laughed about burning Ba Sing Se and lots of apocryphal tales describe him as a complete womanizer and for all her faults I can't imagine a proper lady like Ursa perpetrating an affair with more than one jerk at a time.

"Of course even if Ursa wasn't Lu Ten's mother it's still been noticed by many that as of Zuko and Azula's childhood Lady Iroh was apparently not around anymore and so some have wondered if Iroh may have been getting feisty as a widower and perhaps in the most wrong-headed situation EVER could have found comfort AND A LITTLE SUGER OH AGNI I THINK I'M GOING TO BE ILL OHHHHHHHHHHHH and may have fathered one or more of Ursa's kids namely Zuko WHO LOOKS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF OZAI and Azula WHO IS THE GHOST OF HER FATHER RIGHT DOWN TO BURNING AND EATING FIELD MICEMUNKS AS A CHILD without anyone being the wiser. Well LET ME AMEND THAT some versions of the rumor say that Ozai may have suspected 'HEY WHY DOES LITTLE ZUKO KEEP GOING FOR THE TEA INSTEAD OF HIS BOTTLE?' and that dark paranoia was the beginning of his moral downfall and the root of his child-rearing issues but that's just silly because I don't see how thinking your wife is smooching your brother behind your back makes you want to take over the world and lighting the son you suspect isn't yours on fire is a really odd way of expressing your displeasure TRUST ME IF YOU KNEW THE MAN YOU KNOW ZUKO WOULDN'T HAVE LIVED LONG ENOUGH TO STICK HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH AND THE DEED WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING INVOLVING BOILING OIL OR BEDS OF SPIKES OR COMMUNITY SERVICE AND NOT JUST A SIMPLE FIREBALL and Azula was actually allergic to tea so there's no way she could be Iroh's offspring and also explains why she kept bringing up his love for the beverage in such a derisive manner I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO EVER TELL ANY OF THAT BUT IT'S NOT LIKE SHE CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW.

"Going back to Lu Ten he eventually became a casualty of war in circumstances as mystifying as his mother's identity IT'S LIKE A RUNNING THEME OR MORE LIKE A BAD RUNNING GAG which started a chain of events that ended with Fire Lord Azulon dead and Ursa on the run and Ozai running the Fire Nation while Iroh stood aside and tried to drown his sorrows in hot leaf juice. That situation brings us to the last horrible path to explore with the time after Ursa's exile when some people think a bored Iroh may have tracked her down and fallen in love with her in the wake of the loss of everything she loved and taught her the ways of tea and initiated her into his silly Pai Sho club I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT IT BUT I DON'T LIKE KATARA KNOWING MORE ABOUT ZUKO THAN I DO SO I MADE HIM TELL ME EVERYTHING GUESS HOW TEE HEE and kept her stashed in some seaside loveshack and for some reason never let Zuko know because he still had DESTINY to experience ACTUALLY THAT LAST PART IS KIND OF BELIEVABLE but I think Ursa's failure to materialize immediately following Ozai's defeat has put that theory to rest. Whether Iro and Ursa will fall for each other in the future is completely unknown PROVIDING WE CAN EVEN FIND THE WOMAN but to tell the truth Iroh likes them younger and wearing darker colors AND NO I'M NOT REFERRING TO MYSELF YOU PERVERTS and I doubt he'd be interested in Ursa by now even if she showed up wearing an outfit made completely from tea leaves THAT'S MORE ALONG THE LINES OF SOMETHING TOPH WOULD TRY ANYWAY.

"I can't comprehend why people like to say such horrible lies about the Royal Family. They're messed up enough in truth to have to resort to completely imaginary events."


	25. Jetara

**Mai on... Jetara!**

"The only thing more popular than talking about how unsuitable I am as a lover for Zuko is talking about how great Katara the Waterbender would be for all kinds of romantic prospects if she cared to explore them. One of the few she took an actual interest in, to her detriment, was with the Freedom Fighter Jet.

"Anyone who's talked to Katara FOR FIVE MINUTES OR MORE knows that her favorite conversational topic is the death of her mother and that she considers the incident to be the defining moment of her entire existence ZUKO MIGHT HAVE WOUND UP THE SAME WAY BUT FORTUNATELY HIS DAD CONTINUED TO TRAMATIZE HIM THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE and as a result she developed a very unfair and critical view of the Fire Nation and its overzealous military. She didn't do much with that hate up until she tripped over some Iced Avatar and found herself recruited IS THAT WHAT THEY'RE CALLING IT THESE DAYS in his campaign to restore BALANCE to the world and smack around the Fire Lord GET IN LINE BUDDY I HAVE TICKET #472 AND LAST I HEARD THEY HAD MADE IT TO THE LOW THOUSANDS and while they were off gallivanting around in what must be the most inefficient attempt to save the world EVER she began developing all kinds of CONFUSING emotions KIDS NOWADAYS USE SOME VERY STRANGE EUPHAMISMS for the Avatar but didn't let that stop her from playing the field a little bit and sampling the charms offered by older hotter and more emotionally disturbed boys BUT NOT ZUKO IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING AND I KNOW YOU WERE.

"Despite having previously offered herself on a silver platter in a very professional manner to an Earthbender she randomly encountered HIS NAME WAS HARU BUT THAT'S HARDLY WORTH NOTING Katara pulled out all the stops and went into complete 'Giggly School-Girl" mode the second she first laid eyes on Jet I USED TO BE THE SAME WAY BUT THEN I HIT MY SEVENTH BIRTHDAY but to be fair Jet was doing his backwoods best to show off and present himself as some kind of Ninja Peter Pan. You see Jet was the leader of a group he called The Freedom Fighters THAT WAS REALLY ORIGINAL WHY GO WITH SOMETHING LIKE 'KIDS WHO GONNA MESS YOU UP' BECAUSE AT LEAST IT SOUNDS FUNNY but instead of actually fighting for freedom WHICH IT LOOKS LIKE THEY HAD IN ABUNDENCE ANYWAY the group did little more than harass a local Fire Nation military unit and a village of colonists who were probably eating worse than the Freedom Fighters themselves and only came to the Earth Kingdom to get away from the high property taxes HAVING LIVED IN THE EARTH KINGDOM FOR A BIT I CAN CONFIRM THE COST OF LIVING WAS MUCH LESS back in the Fire Nation. Jet explained to Katara that the point of all of this was some form of revenge against the Fire Nation for the death of his parents several years back but details were suspiciously lacking aside from the involvement of the Rough Rhinos SEE NOW THAT GROUP NAME ISN'T BAD and for all Katara knew at the time Jet's parents were lunatic serial killers who the Fire Nation took out as a general service to the unified world OKAY IT'S UNLIKELY BUT BETTER TO BE PARANOID THAN SORRY but it really doesn't matter because as soon as Katara heard 'Fire Nation killed my parents' she had to be physically restrained by her brother from ripping off her clothes and jumping at Jet.

"Whether or not Jet was genuinely interested in experiencing Katara isn't clear because flirting and manipulation seemed to just come naturally to him and before anyone else in the group could object I NOTICE SEXY SOKKA HAD A VERY INTENSE RIVALRY WITH JET THAT WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T EXAMINE TOO CLOSELY Katara had signed her friends up as new soldiers in Jet's terrorist army. Sokka didn't like all the stealing from the poor and the killing of innocents and the cruelty to animals and the lack of adequate recycling measures but Katara wouldn't hear any of it THAT'S A GOOD LESSON NEVER MAKE SOMEONE CHOOSE BETWEEN FAMILY AND THE GUY THEY'RE KISSING BECAUSE FAMILY WILL LOSE EVERYTIME until the Avatar himself figured out Jet's genocidal plans and made Katara choose between himself and the bad boy.

"When it came down to it Katara decided that as much fun as she had snuggling and kissing and talking about dead parents with Jet AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE WENT ON IN THOSE CRAZY TREEHOUSES the Avatar was a much better investment for her future because he was planning on killing ever member of the Fire Nation in the whole WORLD and besides romance is a lot easier when one or more of the parties don't have a problem with telling the truth THAT'S A PHILOSOPHY I'VE TAKEN TO HEART AND IT GOT ME ZUKO SO IT MUST WORK REALLY REALLY WELL so Katara threw some ice at Jet and told him not to call her GOODBYE FILTHY BOY and left.

"That rejection must have really affected Jet because he at some point afterward gave up the whole Freedom Fighter thing I GUESS HE COULDN'T THINK OF A BETTER NAME and traveled to Ba Sing Se to find himself some more pretty girls THE PICKINGS MUST HAVE BEEN SLIM IN THE TREES but he couldn't go too long without making trouble for himself SOME PEOPLE TAKE THAT 'BAD BOY' THING WAY TOO FAR and was arrested for publicly brawling with another angry young man WHO DID QUITE WELL FOR HIMSELF IN THE FIGHT THANK YOU VERY MUCH and got brainwashed and turned into a Robo-Cop for the local Earthbender Secret Police. Sadly for Jet his mission was to distract and later murder the Avatar which once again put him in Katara's company and upon seeing him she struck out in righteous fury and pinned him to a wall with a bunch of ice knives I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECTLY REASONABLE COURSE OF ACTION TO ME AND FUN TO BOOT. It didn't take long to figure out that Jet had an antenna stuck in his head that let him receive orders from his evil masters and the group traced the signal back to the enemy's underground layer where the Avatar did what he did best and beat everyone inside up in the name of goodness. Jet was ordered to assist in the fight and assassinate the Avatar BECAUSE THE LITTLE BALDIE HAD BEEN HAVING SO MUCH TROUBLE WITH SWORLD-WEILDING ANGRY BOYS RIIIIIIGHT but of course that didn't go very well and Aang talked Jet into coming to his senses but in a tragic act of spite the evil Earthbenders pushed Jet's self destruct button and hit him with a rock. Katara was really sad because even though she still thought Jet was a complete jerk she didn't want to see him die AFTER ALL HE HADN'T KILLED HER MOTHER AND THEY STILL HAD THAT SEXY LITTLE ORPHAN BOND and in turn Jet included a couple of tender Katara-moments in his dying flashbacks but in the end the Avatar's group had more important places to be and they left Jet to die underground in a dark cave with a couple of his groupies around to cry over him and dump his body in the lake once he was gone in what I consider to be one of the few true acts of the justice the Avatar ever perpetrated. Katara must have been pretty impressed by this because Jet hardly got mentioned again and it's practically legend at this point how CONFUSED her feelings were for the Avatar.

"I can't deny the appeal of a bad boy, but you have to know not to cut them any slack and keep some knives around for those especially stupid moments."


	26. Maang

_Happy 2009, everyone! Thanks for the reviews and suggestions!_

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**Mai on... Maang!**

"Unrequited crushes are about as plentiful in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ as bendings, beatings, and banishings, but one of the more cruelly amusing was the crush held for Avatar Aang by the Fortuneteller's assistant, Meng.

"Aunt Wu SHOULDN'T A FORTUNETELLER HAVE A MORE MYSTERIOUS NAME LIKE MADAME WU OR THE GREAT WUWANSHU OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT was a charlatan palm reader BECAUSE THAT STUFF OBVIOUSLY ISN'T REAL I LOVE YOU SOKKA carving a living for herself somewhere in the Earth Kingdom and as part of her business practices employed an ugly young girl to bring snacks and drinks to waiting customers I WONDER IF THEY SERVE GOOD FIRE FLAKES BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE MY FLAKES. Whether she pays the waitress girl Meng in money or room and board or free fortunes is a mystery but in the end if probably isn't relevant because THE FIRE NATION IS GOING TO BURN IT ALL Meng seems content with the situation and Aunt Wu in turn doesn't seem to have a problem with the way Meng ignores most customers in favor of flirting with the ones with unusually large ears.

"That brings us to the Avatar who in what is considered to be a heart-stirring start to an epic romance fell in lust with the Waterbender Katara upon tumbling out of his magic time-traveling iceberg and laying eyes on her IT REALLY MUST HAVE BEEN TRUE LOVE BECAUSE KATARA LOOKS LIKE A FAT FUZZY TREE TRUNK IN THAT PARKA OF HERS but Katara in turn took a while to realize the Avatar would make good boyfriend material I GUESS SHE FINDS BIG EARS UNATTRACTIVE and so Aang was left to wallow in crushing despair as he waited for his affections to be returned. Like many of his EMOTINALLY STUNTED associates Aang couldn't bring himself to work up the courage to broach the subject of making out with Katara ONE MIGHT THINK THAT HAVING HER BROTHER SOKKA AROUND ALL THE TIME MIGHT HAVE KILLED THE MOOD BUT HE WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY ENCOURAGING WHEN IT CAME TO PAWNING HIS SISTER OFF ON SOME LOSER up until they happened across Aunt Wu's business and stopped by to ask who they would all marry in the future INSTEAD OF A SENSIBLE INQUIRY LIKE OH I DON'T KNOW 'HOW WILL I DEFEAT THE FIRE LORD?' and Aang overheard that Katara would someday wed a powerful bender WHICH IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIES ZUKO THANK YOU FOR ASKING BECAUSE HIS BENDING HAS ALWAYS TURTLEDUCK-LEVEL STRENGTH COMPARED TO THE LIKES OF AZULA AND THE AVATAR and have lots of babies with him.

"Aang's plans to go for the gold HE WAS GOING TO ASK TO KATARA TO 'FEEL HIS POWER' were a bit sidetracked by his encounter with the waitress girl Meng out in the lobby. You see Meng had apparently received a fortune from Aunt Wu 'I CAN'T PAY YOU THIS WEEK HERE HAVE A READING INSTEAD' that claimed she would marry a boy with big ears AND THAT REALLY NARROWS IT DOWN and as everyone who knows him is aware Aang is sporting a pretty sizable set of sound collectors THERE'S A SAYING ABOUT THAT IN THE FIRE NATION BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO THERE OH GREAT NOW I'M BLUSHING and so Meng shoved past Sokka THAT PROVES IT SHE'S INSANE to lay herself before the oblivious Airbender. Aang may not have the greatest taste in women I MEAN KATARA DOESN'T EXACTLY SMELL LIKE A SPRING BREEZE but he knows what he likes and what he likes is someone who doesn't look like they have to beat their living and evil mop of hair into submission every morning before being able to face society and while we're at it Meng's teeth are spaced about as evenly as Fire Lord Ozai's temper and her nose seems like it was stolen from a hogmonkey and well the point is that she was every bit as ugly as Ty Lee says my aura is IF YOU BELIEVE IN THAT KIND OF THING. Meng continued to hound the Avatar for some loving even after he left Aunt Wu's place but Aang had gotten a new brashness from his eavesdropping adventure and was doing his best to make Katara's baby-producing future a reality by sundown OR SOONER. There followed some nonsense about how Aunt Wu's hometown was set to be destroyed by a volcano HM I DIDN'T KNOW THE FIRE NATION HAD RECRUITED ANY FOREIGN GEOGRAPHICAL FEATURES and the only way to convince everybody to run away was to falsify a superstitious sign WHAT CLOULDS AND CROPCIRCLES HAVE TO DO WITH VOLCANOS I HAVE NO IDEA and to do that they needed Aunt Wu's cheat sheet BECAUSE AZULA TAUGHT ME THAT IF YOU DON'T WRITE DOWN ALL YOUR LIES YOU'LL EVENTUALLY CONFUSE THEM and to do that the Avatar had to seduce Meng into stealing that very same cheat sheet from her employer.

"That raises a very odd question though because if Meng was willing to help the Avatar fake a prediction even though Aunt Wu had been adamant that the volcano was dormant then why did she believe Wuwanshu's assertion that only the big ears of the Avatar could romantically satisfy her? I mean it's not like the Avatar had been particularly nice to her and he certainly isn't particularly good-looking beyond the size of his ears I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE SOKKA'S ARE PRETTY BIG TOO OH AGNI I'M BLUSHING AGAIN so if Aunt Wu was a fake and big ears had no known role in Meng's future then why did she continue to make nice with him? Maybe she would have eventually wised up in that regard though because Meng proved herself to be unusually intelligent when she accurately described Katara as a 'floozy' I WONDER IF SHE EVEN KNOWS WHAT THE WORD MEANS as soon as the group had left and the Waterbender was just out of earshot.

"In case you were curious, Zuko's ears are rather average in size."


	27. Jetko

**Mai on... Jetko!**

"All the relationship in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ had their ups and downs, but the one most likely to give you whiplash from the sudden shift was the doomed bond between Prince Zuko and Jet the Freedom Fighter.

"Neither boy had what most would refer to as an easy life but by the time they tripped over each other each was at what they would consider to be their lowest point WARS TEND TO HAVE THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE OR SO I HEAR and trying to escape from past demons or credit card debts or whatever it is that keep people walking the world when the smarter choice would be to just pick a nice cave and start getting estimates on plumbing installation. Zuko had already been banished from the Fire Nation for his odd and rather revolutionary idea that the best way to win a war is to try to avoid losing as many or more human resources as your enemy OH AND I GUESS TO HAVE TO VALUE LIFE AND HUMANITY OR SOMETHING BUT I NEVER REALLY LISTEN WHEN ZUKO GETS GOING ON IT but by the time he met Jet things had gotten even worse because the main condition of his banishment was that he had to find and capture a twelve-year-old boy HE WAS ALSO THE REINCARNATION OF THE AVATAR A LIVING FORCE OF NATURE BUT IT'S FUNNIER IF I IMPLY HE WAS JUST A GOOFY KID but after months of trying Zuko hadn't managed to accomplish that simple goal and so his daddy the Fire Lord got impatient and ordered that Zuko be brought back home in chains for the crime of being a complete and utter goofball.

"Zuko's sister Azula AND SOME FRIENDS had been tasked with arresting Zuko and reading him his rights YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO A TEA-SWILLING ADVISOR YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BURN FOR YOUR TREACHERY and so Zuko got the Inferno out of Fire Nation territory and went undercover in the Earth Kingdom as an extremely surly and princely peasant.

"Meanwhile in said Earth Kingdom a young anti-Fire terrorist named Jet had just been dealt a sore blow to his prestige when a delicate little Waterbender beat him up in front of all his friends while the Waterbender's sweet SEXY brother egged her on with a few clever zingers that kind of sort of revealed Jet's every principle to be a hollow facade over a complete lack of honor. Bereft of all but the two most loyal OR MAYBE THEY JUST PITIED HIM AND WANTED TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN'T FALL INTO A DITCH SOMEWHERE followers and the whole group was headed to Ba Sing Se to carve a life out for themselves that from what Zuko says mainly focused on the quantity and variety of foods that The Impenetrable City EXCEPT FOR THOSE COUPLE OF TIMES offered in its supermarkets and while that may sound somewhat shallow for a former leader in a holy war I think it's pretty sensible because it's so hard to get good Fire Flakes in the Earth Kingdom and really there's very little in life as rewarding as a tasty snack because at least food won't betray you and banish you and belittle your convictions UNLESS TY LEE IS COOKING BUT THEN CACTUS JUICE MAKES YOU SEE SOME WEIRD STUFF.

"The ferry to Ba Sing Se is where Zuko and Jet first encountered each other but instead of clashing in a typical alpha male manner ZUKO'S DEFINITELY A BETA IF YOU ASK ME they got to talking about how bad the food was on the ferry AND YET THEY EXPECT THE CITY TO HAVE BETTER IF THEY CAN'T EVEN STOCK THEIR PUBLIC TRANSPORT and eventually decided to band together to fight a desperate struggle to provide proper nourishment for the underprivileged I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS THAT A BUNCH OF NINJA MASTERS USED THEIR SKILLS TO KNOCK OVER A TAKE-OUT STAND and during the epic conflict OH NO IT'S A GUARD WITH A STICK Jet noticed Zuko's exceptional skill HE ONLY LOSES TO WATERBENDER GIRLS HALF THE TIME and intense need to make a difference in the world and decided to try and recruit Zuko into his little band of worshippers BECAUSE JUST HAVING TWO MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A LOSER LORD TEE HEE. Zuko however had been only mildly changed by experiences HE ONLY STOLE WITH ACCOMPLICES NOW and so was as anti-social as ever and told Jet he didn't really want to be friends and terrorize the Fire Nation together and getting food was fun but it was just one dinner and not a commitment so don't call please.

"Jet's interest in Zuko was probably completely platonic because from what I've heard the boy really only had a one track mind WELL OKAY ALL BOYS HAVE THAT PROBLEM BUT THIS WAS A LITTLE DIFFERENT and the mind in question was always focused on himself and how supposedly awesome he was. Jet's only romantic dabblings seemed centered on his fangirls and were most likely just an exercise in self-promotion. The problem was that Jet didn't have any fangirls at the moment UNLESS YOU COUNT THAT SMELLERBEE BUT HONESTLY WHAT'S THE POINT and so once he discovered Zuko was Fire Nation DID YOU JUST COOK THAT SMORE WITH YOUR FINGERS he brought all his old tactics out of the cellar and tried to go all 'Freedom Fighter' on Zuko's NICE backside but Zuko himself is like a fangirl-magnet I PLEAD GUILTY and completely outclassed Jet in every tactic Jet tried to bring against him including combat by sword which to Jet's great lament was a hobby Zuko practiced whenever he felt sad and alone and so he had become the greatest swordsman alive in just 3 short months.

"After Zuko gave Jet the beating of his life the would-be Freedom Fighter was arrested for disturbing the peace THAT'S A WORSE CRIME IN BA SING SE THAN BEING A GOOFBALL and was rebuilt into a zombie with hook hands who was supposed to kill the twelve-year-old boy Zuko had been chasing and predictably enough failed just like his betters. Zuko only found out about Jet's death later from the Avatar's group but by that point he thought his girlfriend had just sacrificed his life for him so he had a hard time getting worked up about the loss of a guy who embodied disrespect for life and humanity.

"I would probably be more interested in any salacious side to the rivalry if Jet had been replaced by Sokka and Zuko went the whole duel without a shirt."


	28. Azulaang

_Thanks for all the comments, everyone! Since I appreciate you all so much, but feel I don't show it enough, I've dug up the fanarts for this fic out of the ASN and posted them in my Author Profile for you to enjoy. Check 'em out if you like._

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**Mai on... Azulaang!**

"No can deny that Fire Princess Azula is not exactly FIRING on all cylinders, but the full scope of her insanity can only be grasped through understanding her self-destructive crush on Avatar Aang, who I hear also happens to be the Last Airbender.

"Princess Azula didn't have what anyone would call a normal childhood thanks to her megalomaniac father's belief that children should be turned into unstoppable sociopathic killing machines and not heard and unlike some people DON'T WORRY ZUKO YOU KNOW WE LOVE YOU FOR IT Azula was daddy's little girl and went along with his plan THEY HAD TO GET RID OF HER MOTHER TOO BUT THAT TURNED OUT TO BE DEPRESSINGLY EASY and spent all her younger years learning recipes for human barbeques. Of course even human killing machines have human urges every now and then I MEAN IF EVEN I CAN GET HOT AND BOTHERED EVERYONE MUST HAVE A FRISKY SIDE SOMEWHERE and Azula was no exception but rather than falling for a rugged hero like her kind usually do she just projected her romantic needs onto her little friend Ty Lee who was never very clear on whether she liked that kind of attention but given that she eventually betrayed Azula's trust TO SAVE THE LIFE OF SOMEONE WHO WASN'T WORTH SAVING I guess we can conclude that Ty Lee just didn't feel that the relationship had any spark BECAUSE SHE RAN AWAY BEFORE AZULA COULD HIT HER WITH LIGHTNING HA HA HA PUNS MAKE ME FEEL WARM.

"It's interesting to note that Azula's chosen outlet for her need to kiss something was the girliest girly-girl in the whole Fire Nation THEN AGAIN HER ONLY OTHER CHOICES WERE HER BROTHER AND A DEPRESSED NARCICIST WHO LOOKS LIKE A BOY which you think would say something about what lights her fire BESIDES MURDEROUS VOICES IN HER HEAD but considering her reaction to the Avatar when she met him I guess we can conclude that Azula either likes a lot of variety or else was cracking up even back then. Aang himself had a very clear idea of what he wanted in a mate NO NOT A FACIAL SCAR SERIOUSLY WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE and that consisted of whatever qualities the Waterbender Katara was sporting at any given time but even if we ignore his rather creepy fixation on the older girl who read him stories every night before bedtime he's still a very gentle and immature soul so I very much doubt his idea of a hot date consisted of being sautéed by a fourteen-year-old princess with a preference for 'extra crispy' recipes.

"Nevertheless when Azula first laid eyes on Aang something within her lit up MAYBE THE PRINCESS PART OF HER WANTED A HERO TO MAKE HER LIFE DIFFICULT OR WHATEVER because she was supposed to be tracking down and killing her brother which if you know Azula was her most favorite thing to do in the whole world but she immediately abandoned the chase in favor of hunting down and tying up and ON SECOND THOUGHT LET'S JUST STOP WITH THE 'TYING UP' BIT the Avatar with the long-term plan of bringing him home and introducing him to her daddy. Aang himself didn't much like this plan I GUESS HE SAW THE EFFECT AZULA'S ATTENTIONS HAD ON ZUKO and made a very good effort to run away. Azula was always a persistent soul though and didn't let her quarry's reluctance stop her so she spent the whole rest of her Earth Kingdom vacation stalking the poor boy and trying to make small talk about everything they have in common OH YOU HAVE A RIVALRY A WHINY BOY WITH A FACIAL SCAR WHAT DO YOU KNOW ME TOO and when that failed she resorted to her favorite backup plan and tried shooting shiny fire in a blatant attempt to draw attention to herself IF SHE HAD ASKED ME I WOULD HAVE TOLD TO JUST TRYING WEARING A SHORT SKIRT AND BELLY SHIRT but the Avatar was having none of that and in his desperation to get away he locked himself in a walled city that no one had been able to break into in a hundred years.

"Of course if Azula has one good point THERE'S NO MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE ON THAT ONE it's that she doesn't let ANYTHING get in the way of what she wants so she set about infiltrating the uninfiltratable city and just as an aside you could tell she had it bad for the Avatar because part of the plan involved stealing the clothes of a bunch of man-hating girly-girls who specialize in jumping around and hand-to-hand combat but Azula didn't even look twice at the girls once their clothes were off and she shipped the whole lot of them off to prison without even taking the time to light them on fire for even just a little bit. One tragic case of mistaken identity later Azula was inside the city and getting ready for her blind date with the Avatar NO IT DIDN'T INVOLVE THE LITTLE EARTHBENDER I CALLED IT THAT BECAUSE THE AVATAR DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS COMING SHEESH but before she could attempt any wooing she had to lock up the little Waterbender floozy so that Aang wouldn't find himself hopelessly distracted and besides it was a good way to get him to show up in his nicest dress clothes.

"Azula was really nervous about her hopes for the coming romantic rendezvous and so was in a really cranky mood and didn't let me or Ty Lee have any fun beating up the Avatar's companions because she needed us to do her hair up in this goofy style and we managed to get everything ready on time but when Azula showed up for the date she found the Avatar in a cave attempting to seduce her older brother Zuko. Well if there's one way to really get Azula's pot boiling it's to try to take her brother away from her HE'S HER FAVORITE TOY AND BEST OF ALL KEEPS COMING BACK FOR MORE OF HER IDIOCY so Azula did what any worthwhile women scorned would do and shot the Avatar dead with about 1.21 gigawatts worth of teenaged jealousy. Somehow the Avatar came back to life after that TYPICAL BOY JUST WHEN YOU WANT HIM GONE HE WON'T STOP HANGING AROUND but Azula kept her dignity and didn't fall for his pleas for another chance and just ran away from him when he showed up during an Eclipse looking to 'pin her down' AND THAT'S A DIRECT QUOTE IN CASE THERE WAS ANY DISBELIEF.

"As evil and insane as Azula was, at least she didn't consider a letter a good way to end a relationship.


	29. Iroph

**Mai on... Iroph!**

"No one ever said shipping in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ was the work of the sane, but the pair with most potential for being outright disturbing is the illegal match of Iroh the Dragon of the West and tiny Toph Bei Fong.

"For all he had once sought to accomplish in life GRRR I'M GOING TO GET YOU EVIL WALL Iroh in his old age pretty much limited his activities to annoying Zuko and playing Pai Sho all the time WHICH ANNOYED ZUKO and drinking more tea than could be good for any human being WHICH ANNOYED ZUKO and trying to liven up the world around him with fun and culture WHICH ANNOYED OHHHH YOU GET THE IDEA and seemed to be essentially embracing the idea of a full retirement when out of the blue ACTUALLY THEY WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLUE AT THE TIME Zhao tried to kill a fish and Iroh found his moral sensibilities offended and his subsequent argument against said fish fry got him labeled a traitor and made into a fugitive from all Fire Nation forces and territories. Zuko was also in trouble mainly for being a moron but he eventually got tired of living in the wilderness with just his uncle for company HE WAS WILLING TO TOLERATE 'MUSIC NIGHT' BUT APPARANTLY NOT SEVEN DAYS A WEEK and besides he had to go off by himself in order to rediscover the Eye of the Tiger or something OR MAYBE HE SAW ANOTHER 'BUT DADDY I DON'T WANNA!' ARGUMENT COMING AND DECIDED TO QUIT WHILE HE STILL HAD ONE GOOD EYE so Iroh was left to travel the Earth Kingdom by his big fat lonesome.

"In a parallel story BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM YET the Avatar's new Earthbending teacher Toph was having mommy issues with perfect little Katara 'BUT MA I DON'T WANNA SHARE MY EARTHBENDING TENTS!' and after Aang decided to side with his Waterbender SURPRISE SURPISE NO I'M SERIOUS MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR Toph figured she may as well lose the losers and ran off in a random direction but not to find the Eye of the Tiger BECAUSE REALLY WHAT GOOD WOULD ANOTHER EYE DO HER which is just as well because the only thing she wound up finding was a senile old man who's first reaction upon being attacked by a tiny blind girl was to make a pot of tea. Despite the absurdity of the situation WHY HAVE TEA IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE I MEAN I TRY NOT TO DRINK MUCH BEFORE HEADING OUT WHERE THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS the two apparently enjoyed themselves and got to talking in ways that made them both feel all warm and fuzzy for the first time in days because really all the other people they knew had too much stress in their lives and couldn't handle it. They didn't say much but Iroh told Toph that it was okay to have a few lackeys around to follow her orders and Toph speculated to Iroh that when his nephew was having a temper tantrum WHICH WAS ALL THE TIME BACK IN THOSE DAYS he was likely to respond more positively to 'Hey don't worry kid you know I love you' than 'You must restore balance and drink tea' and then Iroh sarcastically claimed he didn't love Toph and Toph laughed and things probably would have gotten a lot creepier at that point but then all the tea caught up with Toph and she ran off to find a nice bush and Iroh continued onward in his never-ending quest to throw himself between Zuko and Azula in various dangerous situations.

"They met again briefly in a battle a little while later and although they didn't get a chance to say 'Hi' they obviously made a big impression on each other because Iroh was distracted to the point of nearly being killed by Azula which is saying something because he's an old master type who always makes sure he looks good in battles even if he doesn't accomplish anything and as a member of the royal family he had an instinctual expertise in watching Azula for treachery. When Iroh got blasted by said treacherous Azula ALTHOUGH REALLY WHY DIDN'T ANYONE ELSE DO ANYTHING ABOUT HER IT'S NOT THE WATERBENDER CARED WHAT HAPPENED TO IROH Toph lost control and actually allowed her face to take on some kind of expression SHE HADN'T LOOKED SO SAD SINCE SOKKA TOLD HER SHE LOOKS LIKE A MALNOURISHED BOY BUT THEN I CRIED WHEN HE SAID THE SAME THING TO ME but Zuko took that moment to take a temper tantrum IT HAD BEEN ABOUT TEN MINUTES SINCE HIS LAST ONE SO HE WAS DUE and everyone was forced to run away so that he could cry over his uncle and not seek any kind of competent medical help NOW YOU SEE WHY HE WAS CONVICTED OF STUPIDITY.

"The pair didn't let Zuko stop them from seeing more of each other though because I've heard that he visited her at he house in Ba Sing Se bringing gifts THEY SAY THAT'S WHAT KYOSHI WARRIORS CALL THEIR SERVICE PAYMENTS WAIT WAS THAT IMPLICATION TOO SUBTLE and she in turn tied herself to Zuko on several occasions for the express purpose of telling him how awesome and wise his uncle was and that's why he should drink more tea and bring balance to the world and really it was rather obvious that she was trying to get in good with the old man but because she doesn't have the most expressive eyes I've never been able to figure out if she truly wants him IN THAT WAY or if she's just looking to link up with some rich old dude who will kick the bucket and leave her everything while she's still young and beautiful OR AS BEAUTIFUL AS A MILITANT TOMBOY CAN GET and Zuko is still unmarried and susceptible to grief over the loss of his uncle who thought the blind Earthbender was really neat.

"Most men would probably consider Toph as clever as Azula, but her ploys are pathetically transparent to anyone capable of thought."


	30. Loopai

_Sorry about the odd entry, but on Avatar Spirit, my fanfic thread has received over 300 replies, and in celebration the readers there requested this pairing. Keep in mind I go by just plain Loopy over there, without the numbers, and everything should be okay. I hope. If not, be sure to tell me. If we hit 300 replies over here, I'm more than willing to do similar fun._

* * *

**Mai on... Loopai... ?**

"Infantile fans pairing themselves with fictional characters is nothing new to the internet, but somehow a cult has formed around the comedic partnership between myself and _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ fan Loopy.

"When I made my big debut on the scene HEY LOOK AT ME I'M A NINJA WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT BENDERS ANYWAY I was appreciated as a decent if not particularly attractive miniboss villain but some people LIKE THE WHOLE INTERNET BUT REALLY IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN FIND ANY SMART PEOPLE ON IT took issue with the fact that I found reason to SMILE when thinking about main character and professional villain OR IS HE AN ANTI-HERO and designated 'moron who must move the plot forward by being a moron' Zuko the prince of the Fire Nation. My reasons for doing so are my own OH LOOK IT'S A FLASHBACK SHOWCASING MY HUMILIATING CHILDHOOD CRUSH ON OUR ANTI-HERO but nevertheless some loud people were inspired to new levels of sonic debauchery because I appeared to be a threat to Zuko's romantic prospects with all kinds of much more interesting characters WHO WE SHALL NOT MENTION BY NAME BUT STOPPING AND STARTING WITH 'KATARA' WOULDN'T BE ENTIRELY OFF BASE and so in the name of fairness said shouters deconstructed me to the Great Divide and back and came up with a laundry list of my aspects that proved I was a blight on Zuko's story and specified such burning crimes as having an annoying voice HEY EAT ENOUGH EXTRA SPICY FIRE FLAKES AND SEE HOW YOU SOUND IF YOU CAN EVEN SEE SOUND and looking like a boy EVEN THOUGH THE ONLY BOY WHO EVEN LOOKS REMOTELY LIKE ME IS LEONARD NIMOY BUT LAST I CHECKED HE DIDN'T HAVE A FIGURE and having a horribly dour attitude that sucked the life and hope out of whatever setting I happened to thrown in NOT ONLY IS THAT LAST ONE ACCURATE BUT I WORK VERY HARD TO KEEP IT SO and so in conclusion if I so much as made a move on Zuko I would face the wrath of a whole bunch of electronic child terrorists who would go so far as to destroy DVD's they had already paid money for in expression of their distaste for Zuko's romantic choice.

"Maybe if I had been interested in less beloved characters like Sokka ON THE OTHER HAND SUKI GOT ENOUGH WELL-DESERVED HATE BUT I THINK IT WAS MORE FOR HER RIDICULOUS COSTUME or Jet BECAUSE EVEN I CAN COMPETE WITH SMELLERBEE or Haru I wouldn't have gotten in much trouble but honestly I'm actually rather shy when I'm not lambasting other couples and a childhood crush was right up my ally and to Inferno with what everyone else thinks about it and so being trained in the art of diplomacy I STAYED AWAKE THROUGH AT LEAST THREE OF MY LESSONS I did the right thing and threw myself at Zuko and made out with him until we both passed out form lack of oxygen and after minimal trouble we beat up all our enemies and finished the story ready to get married.

"Moving on we come to an even more pathetic tale WHAT FALLING IN LOVE OVER FLAMING APPLES DOESN'T STRIKE YOU AS A BIT SUB-PAR we have the person known on certain quarters of the internet as Loopy I COULD GIVE YOU HIS REAL NAME BUT HONESTLY HE'S SUCH A NOBODY IT WOULDN'T DO YOU AN GOOD but by certain quarters I mean only the gaggle of discussion threads known as Avatar Spirit Dot Net because our hero Loopy apparently didn't have the creativity to come up with a codename OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT that wasn't already taken on the majority of user-heavy internet communities BUT THEN I DON'T EVEN PRONOUNCE BY OWN NAME RIGHT SO WHO AM I TO TALK. Loopy was never considered at any point to worth the oxygen and carbon he was using up by living but even by internet board-messenger standards he was a particularly redundant manifestation who posted nothing but crude jokes and bad puns and homoerotic fan fiction about Sokka and Zuko OOH I MAY HAVE TO LOOK INTO THAT LAST ONE in a rather pathetic attempt to draw attention to himself because in real life he's social outcast who spends way too much time playing violent video games and can't make friends without assistance IT'S NOT THAT I NEED TY LEE WITH ME TO MAKE FRIENDS IT'S JUST THAT SHE MAKES IT A LOT EASIER and tries to compensate for his completely woman-less future by making poor attempts at flirting with _Avatar_ fangirls who are half his age but probably have twice his mental maturity.

"Somewhere along the way this degenerate took a liking to me for my sparkling personality I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE PLEASED BY THAT OR INSULTED THAT HE WASN'T OGGLING MY BODY and began looking at life the universe and everything from my own characteristically dark perspective and during one of his what we shall call mating dances 'HEY LOOK AT ME I THINK KATARA AND SOKKA MAKE OUT A LOT HAR HAR' he typed up my thoughts of the various romantic pairings I'm forced to deal with on a daily basis HEY GET A ROOM OR BETTER YET YOUR OWN ISLAND SOMEWHERE AND DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT FIRE FLAKES and sent them out onto the dreaded internet for everyone and Ty Lee to read and subsequently find new reasons to hate me over I MEAN I KNOW TELLING TY LEE SOMETHING IS A GOOD WAY TO LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW BUT I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT MOST BOYS KNOW HOW TO KEEP A SECRET but thanks to the small amount of wit he harbors in the back of his twisted little mind he managed to get some people to laugh with me instead of at me WELL AZULA SOMETIMES LAUGHED WITH ME BUT I'M TOLD THAT MAKING PEOPLE BLEED IS SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS STUFF and people began asking for more of my pessimistic thoughts spiced up with Loopy's editing and so we entered into a fan fiction partnership UGH FAN FICTION NOW I FEEL DIRTY DOES THING MEAN I HAVE TO GIVE UP ZUKO AND MOVE BACK IN WITH MY PARENTS and as a result now some people like me a little more or at least willing to admit that I add something to the universe I've been cursed to inhabit and Loopy in turn has more little girls and fat men fawning all over him and both of us have had some of our chronic boredom relieved.

"As a side effect of all this excitement and stardom OH LOOK WE GOT 5 HITS THIS WEEK ON FANFICTION DOT NET HOLLYWOOD HERE WE COME Loopy and I spend a lot of time together to the point that there's actually a piece of his brain I permanently inhabit now TRUST ME YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF WEIRD JUNK HE PONDERS HERE'S A HINT HE THINKS OPTIMUS PRIME AND MEGATRON ARE A CUTE COUPLE and I in turn tell him all kinds of secret thoughts that Zuko says I shouldn't say out loud ever HE'S SO CUTE HE STILL THINKS HAVING FRIENDS IS A GOOD THING and as a result I think about him a lot and have become emotionally invested in him and have come to find him really good-looking and whenever I think about him now I blush and our time together is when I'm at my happiest and he's a good guy if you just get to know him and he's very intelligent and clever and his fan fiction really transcends the genre and the rest of the world is stupid for not giving him his due and I just want to kiss him and HE'S MAKING ME SAY THING THIS IF ANYONE OUT THERE CAN HEAR ME GET ZUKO OR MAYBE SOKKA BUT JUST BRING HELP OH INFERNO HE'S IN MY MIND I CAN FEEL MY MIND GOING I NEED MMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFF MPH MRGH MFFFFFFFF RRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

"..."


	31. Ty Luko

_Well! I think I've finally got Mai's brain running at something like minimal operational functionality, so it's time for a new ramble! Also, I added some new fanart to my profile. Enjoy, and thanks for the reviews!_

* * *

**Mai on... Ty Luko!**

"There is no doubt in my mind that Zuko is completely and utterly loyal to me, but if there were any girl who would get me worried about a traitorous affair, my best friend Ty Lee is a prime candidate.

"As everyone and Ty Lee knows she and I came into Zuko's life via Azula WAIT WHY WOULDN'T TY LEE KNOW ABOUT THAT I THINK I NEED COME UP WITH SOME NEW INSULTS FOR HER who picked the two of us out as her preferred playmates and sycophants and as a result we spent a lot of time in the Royal Palace playing games like 'Hide and Explode' GUESS WHO GOT TO DO THE EXPLODING and 'Electric Twister' WHICH FIRE LORD OZAI HIMSELF INVENTED FOR US and 'Light Mai's Hair on Fire' ONE OF AZULA'S FAVORITES when we weren't learning how to become the greatest warriors ever to challenge an Avatar. I was never particularly enthusiastic about this kind lifestyle BUT THEN I'M NOT PARTICULARLY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT ANYTHING BESIDES SNARKING even though I appreciated the fact that it kept things from getting too boring but Ty Lee actually came to like spending her days frolicking through the Royal Palace and getting into all kinds of mischief but that probably resulted from all the time she spent screwing up her blood flow by standing on her head ALTHOUGH IT CERTAINLY DIDN'T DO HER FIGURE'S DEVELOPMENT ANY DAMAGE or maybe something about witnessing new atrocities every day appealed to her short attention span. It seems that Ty Lee is just one of those people WHO UTTERLY DISGUST ME who can figure out a way to enjoy any situation no matter how bad or how terrified she is which made her the perfect comrade for the Princess Azula IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WINK WINK and also made her quite the noticeable little personality whenever Zuko would deign to join us in the so-called fun.

"As a child Prince Zuko was no where near as mentally and emotionally damaged as he was in his more social teenage years but even so he had an unhealthy level of attachment to his mother WHO I NOTICED DID NOTHING TO DISCOURAGE SUCH A FRAGILE SATE OF AFFAIRS and as such never got out of the palace and made any friends for himself. So whenever he got tired of feeding rabid turtleducks and drinking tea until he burst POOR BABY SUCH ROUGH ACTIVITIES REQUIRE A LOT OF ENDURANCE OR AT LEAST THEY DID WITH ZUKO he had no choice but to join his sister AND HER FRIENDS for some mean-spirited playtime. Of course my own cute CHOKE romantic interest in the young prince is very well documented at this point NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED ME IF I WAS OKAY WITH EVERYONE AND TY LEE KNOWING OOPS I SAID IT AGAIN but Ty Lee's own feelings for Zuko are a big mystery that has inspired a strangely high level of interest and speculation. Ty Lee was smart enough to discern my crush on Zuko NOT THAT I DID A VERY GOOD JOB OF HIDING IT I'M SO PALE ANY BLUSHING LIGHTS ME UP LIKE A LANTERN but she certainly wasn't particularly nice about it since she took enough pleasure in helping Azula to humiliate me over it and if I was a more suspicious type BUT TO BE SUSPICIOUS I WOULD FIRST HAVE TO CARE I would probably interpret her actions as being born of some kind of jealousy but thankfully Zuko got shipped off to war after his father became concerned for his career prospects and so Zuko never got the chance to notice girls while Ty Lee was around and he was spared the common hormonal reaction to her questionable wardrobe choices and completely over-the-top curving.

"None of us would meet up with Zuko again until Azula was tasked with arresting him for being an ineffective loser and she in turn sought out Ty Lee and I to take care of her laundry because Azula was never very good at that type of domestic thing THE SAFEST BET IS TO BLAME IT ON HER MOTHER OR MAYBE HER FATHER TOO IF YOU GO FOR THAT TYPE OF THING and to tell the truth Ty Lee and I didn't know much about washing clothes either but at least Ty Lee would do whatever she was told to the best of her abilities and it helps that the only color we wear is red anyway. In any event there was an interesting conversation after Azula picked me up in Omashu OOPS I MEAN NEW OZAI OR IS IT OMASHU AGAIN MAYBE THAT'S WHY ALL MY LETTERS ARE BEING RETURNED and Ty Lee noted that it would be 'interesting' to get an eyeful of a more matured Zuko and I just smiled at the time because come on how could the mental image that goes with 'matured Zuko' not make any living female grin a little but now that I think about it that could have been more of Ty Lee's jealous teasing again ASSUMING OF COURSE THAT THERE WAS PREVIOUS JEALOUS TEASING AND I'M NOT SAYING THERE IS BUT THERE'S A LOT OF CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE BUILDING UP ISN'T THERE or maybe she was delivering a subtle threat that she was going to make a move on Zuko when we found him WHAT AM I SAYING TY LEE CAN'T EVEN SPELL 'SUBTLE' but nothing came of it because the Waterbender Katara and Azula herself both had places in line ahead of us and when it came down to it Zuko is unquestionably loyal to me as I've noted countless times before with absolute conviction. A prime example of this is that time after all the chasing THE FIRST ROUND OF CHASING NOT THE SECOND TIME IN ALCATRAZ when we all went to the beach and Ty Lee was running around in outfits that made even more of a vulgar display of her figure than usual and cooing to Zuko about how she 'knew' him and understood his pain and all those sweet nothings boys like to hear but Zuko wasn't falling for any of it and he called her out on being an easy airhead HEY MAYBE SHE'S THE AVATAR'S SECRET LOVE CHILD GET BECAUSE SHE'S AN 'AIR'-HEAD because he truly loves me even though I was mad at him at the time but he knew I would still make him bleed if he so much as whistled at another girl and that's why I play with knives and it's worked out wonderfully.

"Waterbenders, crazy sisters, dirty peasants, flighty acrobats... four up, four down. It's like knifing turtleducks in a barrel."


	32. The Dukoph

_Well, that last entry was unpopular, with only one comment. You know, if you guys don't like one of these, you're allowed to tell me. I really won't be sad._

* * *

**Mai on... Dukoph!**

"Often, in the world of _Avatar: The Last Airbender_, it seems like not being in a romantic relationship is some kind of punishable crime. In order to avoid that horrible fate, many think Toph Bei Fong may have a little something with the oddly named Freedom Fighter, The Duke.

"Despite being only twelve years old AND NOT EXACTLY WHAT YOU'D CALL AN 'EARLY BLOOMER' and a die-hard tomboy Toph managed to find herself a nice little harem of boys but nevertheless her varying efforts to make them realize they were in her harem never really succeeded and in fact all of her preferred options wound up hooking up with someone OR MAYBE ANYONE else with a suspicious amount of haste. Toph apparently wasn't bothered by this though either because she didn't want to get too serious about romance yet PERSONALLY I FIND IT'S EASIER THE YOUNGER YOU START BUT TO BE FAIR MY OWN RELATIONSHIP HAS A VERY STRANGE TIMELINE COMPLETE WITH OVERLY LONG INTERMISSION or because she was trusting in puberty to work its magic when it came DON'T BLINK OR YOU MIGHT MISS IT and make her into a last-minute upset on a scale the world has yet to witness even with things like Koi-shaped giant ocean monsters and secret Lionturtles running around. I wouldn't call that the smartest strategy though because as we all know BECAUSE SHE USES IT AS AN EXCUSE FOR CONSTANTLY WALKING IN ON MY BOYFRIEND WHILE HE'S GETTING CHANGED BUT I KNOW BETTER BECAUSE I'VE TRIED IT ON SOKKA Toph is completely blind and has been so since birth and so has no idea what she looks like or how to make herself pretty BUT THEN NEITHER DO I and I doubt her friends are going to be willing to help her doll up so that she can steal their boyfriends WELL I MIGHT ONCE OR TWICE JUST FOR FUN BUT I HAVE A VERY MEAN SENSE OF HUMOR and everyone and Ty Lee knows that depending on a local spa for your makeup is just asking for trouble.

"Meanwhile lurking in the background of all the great events Toph bore witness to AT LEAST AS MUCH AS SHE'S ABLE WITH THE WHOLE OH FORGET IT YOU GET WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS was a spud of a boy who is known only as 'The Duke' I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD DUKES AROUND HERE I THOUGHT WE WERE TOO ASIAN FOR THAT. His Grace first came to prominence as one of the Freedom Fighter Jet's Merry Lost Men Boys and supposedly was found by the group as a homeless orphan looking to liberate some of their supply of sweets but was recruited by them 'JOIN US AND WE'LL HOOK YOU ON ROCK CANDY' to fight the Fire Nation even though there isn't any shred of evidence that any of us had anything to do with his lack of parents or table manners but HEY since when do Earth Kingdom peasants need an excuse to terrorize my countrymen? Why Jet wanted His Grace The Duke as a Freedom Fighter is a bit of a mystery because the kid's fighting style consisted of nothing more than jumping on his enemies heads from a great height and while that's a great trick the first time around it's not very practical if you're fighting more than one person and it takes a while to set up again and does absolutely no good if you're not fighting in a tall forest or from the back of a flying bison. It's entirely possible that Jet recognized The Duke as being from royalty ALTHOUGH HE'S APPARANTLY A BIT BEHIND ON FIRE NATION ROYALTY and all but kidnapped His Grace with hopes for getting a reward or maybe a ransom or at the very least trying to weasel some of his lunch money away AZULA ONLY STOLE LUNCH MONEY FOR THE EXPERIENCE BUT I KIND OF LIKED SUPPLIMENTING MY ALLOWANCE.

"Jet's plan must not have worked because as we all know his Freedom Fighters disbanded before he could get any of His Grace's inherited gold and The Duke wound up tagging along with the Avatar and his group after the Avatar died 'SURE YOU CAN JOIN US OUR USUAL PREPUBESCENT MASCOT IS IN A COMA RIGHT NOW AND YOU CAN FILL IN FOR A WHILE' and while they were traveling together His Grace no doubt met The Blind Bandit and was impressed by her Bending tricks and perhaps even befriended the equally prepubescent Toph 'THEY WOULDN'T LET ME BE MASCOT BECAUSE I KICK TOO MUCH BUTT' because when you think about it they have a lot of things in common like being from upper-class families THE BEI FONGS ARE EVEN SNOOTIER THAN MY FAMILY BUT WE HAVE A NEAT PRISON WARDEN WHO TELLS THE BEST STORIES ABOUT SHANKINGS AT OUR GET-TOGETHERS and both wound up losing vast inheritances in exchange for lives of adventure and both had their past careers ruined by the Avatar's meddling and last but not least both are under three feet tall and so don't look very awkward making out together in a corner. Although it's clear that The Duke had a significant fondness for Toph WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE TOUCH HER CONSIDERING SHE HASN'T BATHED SINCE BEFORE BA SING SE FELL it's unclear as to what degree Toph returns His Grace's affections because even after meeting her fellow short stuff she was still blushing at Sokka BUT I DON'T SEE WHY PREVIOUS COMMITMENTS SHOULD AFFECT THAT and Zuko DREAM ON TOMBOY and holding hands with the Avatar on occasion GOTTA KEEP THOSE OPTIONS OPEN and was displaying about as much consideration for The Duke as Sokka did for any the girlfriends he wasn't currently standing next to.

"Regardless of their standing right now The Duke and The Blind Bandit may very well get together in later years once Toph reconciles with her parents SHE'LL SAY SHE WAS VERY SORRY SHE RAN AWAY AND THEN ASK FOR SOME MONEY and has to then find a consort who isn't either a poor peasant or already married THAT ELIMINATES ALL MY INTERESTS SO SHE CAN GO RIGHT AHEAD and The Duke with his newly reinstated land and newly recognized title may very well fit the bill even though he'll no doubt get even homelier as he ages but then maybe that's why fate made Toph blind and really it'd be a shame to waste a good looking guy on a girl who doesn't even know what 'pretty' means or why Ty Lee is so popular with the boys NOT THAT OTHER GIRLS SHOULD BE JEALOUS OR ANYTHING REALLY I MEAN IT. Once they're married they could then use their combined power and wealth to continue to terrorize the world as they see fit and maybe even conquer a good portion of the Earth Kingdom and really that wouldn't be such a bad thing because the place is very backwards and chaotic and with a new strong centralized government there won't be any need for incompetent governors like my father HEY I LOVE THE GUY BUT REALLY HE LET THE CRAZY KING SMASH MY HOUSE WITH ALL MY POSTERS STILL ON THE WALLS OF MY ROOM and then the Fire Nation won't have to feel bad about ending the war and forever denying the heathens over there the benefits of technology and manufacturing AND ONLY I CAN TURN ROMANTIC GOSSIP INTO A POLITICAL DEBATE.

"The couples keep starting younger and younger these days. Next thing you know, my brother will have a betrothal waiting and ready for him to learn how to talk."


	33. Sokkla

**Mai on... Sokkla!**

"Most popular support for the various _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ pairings is directly based on the attractiveness of the couple in question, so it comes as no surprise that a speculatory romance between Sokka of the Water Tribe and Fire Princess Azula has captured many minds and hearts.

"Of his friends Sokka is most likely ACTUALLY THERE'S NO DOUBT I'M JUST SAYING THAT TO SOUND MORE SOPHISTICATED the biggest skirt-chaser of the bunch but then he actually has a good excuse for it OTHER THAN THE TYPICAL 'BOYS ONLY WANT ONE THING' MY PARENTS TRIED TO GET ME TO BE OPEN TO WITH ZUKO because all of the women he tried to score with either wound up leaving him or dying or both except for Suki at the end of the war but she only made it safely to home base because the spirits in charge of Sokka's bad luck confused her with Ty Lee and sent to the wrong girl to jail. I mean you have the melodramatic Princess Yue who Sokka lost for the first time because she was engaged to someone else SHE WAS REALLY STUPID ABOUT THE WHOLE THING BUT I FEEL HER PAIN and then after her fiancé was dead she had to go and sacrifice her life in order to save the dolphins or something and Sokka wound up sad and alone unless you count his sister BUT I DON'T AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU. Of course before he met Yue Sokka got to know Suki but there wasn't a whole lot to the pairing at the time except a kiss so chaste Katara and Aang managed to experience the same thing together five or six times without actually becoming a couple so I don't think it really counts. He eventually stumbled over Suki again though but when he was about to invite her to move into his apartment OR TENT OR BISON OR WHATEVER THEY WERE LIVING IN AT THE TIME Suki demurred and claimed she couldn't just leave her job like that to follow him around but before she could make the necessary arrangements that she was supposedly going to make she stumbled in a much more unfortunate way over some Fire Nation teens GEE I WONDER WHAT THEIR NAMES WERE and got herself sent to Alcatraz.

"Of course in the Fire Nation we aren't really that big on human rights and humane treatment and respect for human life SOME MIGHT ACCUSE US OF BEING INHUMAN BUT IF FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR WATERBENDING PRISONER IS CONSIDERED HUMAN THAN I'M JUST FINE WITH MY BOYFRIEND BEING A MONSTER THANKS so it goes without saying BUT I'M GOING TO SAY IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I LIKE THESE THINGS TO BE A CERTAIN LENGTH that Suki wasn't allowed to write any letters to her family or boyfriends so Sokka had no idea she was alive and had to conclude that she was either dead or running away with someone taller than him but I have to admit I'm impressed that he wasn't all mopey about it because really he could do much better and Zuko already does enough moping for the whole rest of the world.

"Sokka also met Ty Lee right around that time but we all know how Azula ruined THAT.

"Making for a blessedly smooth transition it just so happens that Fire Princess Azula was the leader of the Fire Nation teens who gave Suki what she deserved AZULA WAS ALSO MY FRIEND AND MY BOYFRIEND'S SISTER BUT I DON'T THINK SHE'S EITHER ANYMORE and had been looking for her crush the Avatar but wound up with a bunch of his fangirls instead I KNOW IT'S A HORRIBLE JOKE BUT AZULA SO RARELY THINKS THINGS OTHER THAN TORTURED SCREAMS ARE FUNNY THAT I HAD TO PRESERVE IT FOR POSTERITY and unfortunately for them the Princess is not immune to jealousy so she opened fire I'M SORRY I COULDN'T HELP IT on the girls and didn't stop until every last one of them had been revealed as the wimps they truly were. Of course as we all know Azula didn't have much interest in Sokka at the time SHE WAS TOO CONCERNED WITH THE AVATAR AND HER BROTHER AND EVEN TY LEE AND BETWEEN THE THREE OF THEM EVEN SOKKA HAS TROUBLE STANDING OUT I GUESS but this incident may have been the beginning of a little something she may have harbored for the Water Tribe warrior because the Avatar's would-be lady friends have a history of going into jealous fits over the girls of Kyoshi Island and Azula is just the kind of dark mind who would consider stealing away the stand-by boyfriend of the lead fangirl just to make her jealous GO AZULA GO WOO. I notice ACTUALLY I'VE NOTICED IT FOR VARIOUS OTHER COUPLINGS BUT REALLY IT'S SUCH A GREAT SOURCE OF ROMANTIC HILARITY that after the battle with Suki Azula stole her uniform and immediately headed for Sokka's last known location all dolled up in that nauseating makeup and while I wouldn't have thought that Azula would stoop so low as to seduce a guy by dressing up as his preferred girlfriend A MORE DIRECT METHOD LIKE HANDCUFFS ARE MUCH MORE HER STYLE she did have a very busy schedule with the Avatar and her brother also on her dance ticket so I guess we need to cut her some slack THIS ONE TIME ONLY.

"Azula's romantic leanings are very complicated because her preferred pet was for many years Ty Lee but she also developed an infatuation with Avatar Aang for a while and there was also her really creepy fixation on her older brother and in the latter we can find an interesting parallel with Sokka in that both Sokka and Zuko are HOTTER THAN FIRE LORD OZAI'S SPECIAL RECIPE FOR FIRE FLAKES very masculine teenage boys obsessed with proving themselves to be very competent MANLY men but both are so very easy to torture by exploiting their honorable emotions and both look SO HUGGABLE when they're mad that I can see Azula developing a strong interest in Sokka that centers on making him feel pain and then cackling madly about it.

"Sure enough a while later Sokka and a few of his buddies came a'calling to the Fire Nation capital and while the Avatar was mostly concerned with tussling with Azula I noticed that she tried very hard to stay away from him but as soon as Sokka made his presence known I WOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON HIM AS SOON AS WE WERE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER BUT THEN I HAVE A GOOD RADAR FOR PRETTY THINGS Azula was VERY interested in taunting him with news of Suki's unfortunate fate and was trying to lure him very close to her and then when she had him pressed up against her demanding answers all she could do was smile like a bimbo. Of course that was all well and good for her but did Ty Lee and I get a chance to fight with the cute boy? Nooooooooooooooo. Azula had to be completely selfish and make us wait in the secret bomb shelter WELL WE WERE ALSO SUPPOSED TO KEEP ZUKO OUT OF TROUBLE BUT WE DIDN'T THINK HE NEEDED BABYSITTING STUPID US because she wanted the guests all to herself and I think she even took one of my knives because one went missing right before the invasion and I KNOW all guys are intrigued by dark girls with EVIL weapons like knives and whips so it occurred to me that Azula may have nicked my gimmick but I never got a chance to ask about it because my own hot guy was revealed to have run away during all the fun and Azula and I were both much more emotionally invested in Zuko than some good-looking savage and besides his sister Katara later revealed a talent for chaining up the Fire Princess so she likely would have been able to put a very certain stop to any romance Sokka and Azula chose to pursue anyway even though it would have been interesting to see which crazy intellect wound up on top.

"It just goes to show that just because a couple may be hot together, it doesn't mean it still won't end in tears. Especially those stupid Fire and Water combinations."


	34. Teoph

**Mai on... Teoph!**

"Fans of _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ will exploit any and all possible connections between the characters as a basis for a 'ship', but by far the most politically incorrect example of this practice is a speculated romance between Toph Bei Fong and Teo of the Northern Air Temple.

"Now to begin with the Northern Air Temple isn't quite a Northern AIR TEMPLE nowadays because as we all know all the Air Nomads were killed by Zuko's family WELL THEY DID MISS ONE BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IT'S NOT LIKE ONLY ONE PACIFIST MONK CAN DO ANY REAL DAMAGE a long time ago because Fire Lord Sozin was really mad that Avatar Roku got to hang out with some Airbenders and he didn't and that must have really grated on Sozin because he had that unhealthy obsession with living Roku's life and so in his anger he used the power of the Great Comet to jetpack some Firebending mooks up the mountains to teach the Air Nomads some really fun tricks you can do with a lighter and a can of hair spray I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES AZULA GOT TY LEE WITH THAT PRANK. Skip about a hundred years THERE'S THAT MAGIC NUMBER AGAIN and the Northern Air Temple was still more or less intact except for a lot of dust and some unsightly soot marks and the occasional set of decaying humans remains but that didn't seem to bother the first visitor in a century who just happened to be a mad scientist looking for a reasonably priced castle where he could conduct engineering experiments away from the curious eyes of whatever passes for the Earth Kingdom's zoning and health and safety commissions. You see this Mechanist I'M VERY SUSPISCIOUS OF A MAN WITHOUT A REAL NAME MAYBE HE'S A FUGITIVE WHO USED TO WORK FOR WHATEVER FAMILY PRODUCED AND ABANDONED THE DUKE BEFORE FADING INTO HISTORY had been living in a peaceful village unaffected by the big war with the Fire Nation UH OH A LEAD-IN LIKE THAT IS NEVER GOOD when it was suddenly struck by a flood and destroyed HUH THAT'S A NICE CHANGE OF PACE I DIDN'T KNOW WATERBENDERS LIKED TO BEAT UP ON EARTH KINGDOM CITIZENS TOO and lots of people died but a bunch apparently survived and The Mad Mechanist's son was paralyzed from the waist down HOWEVER DROWNING COULD ACCOMPLISH THAT for life leaving the young Teo unable to wring any enjoyment out of his existence or achieve his dreams or be able to experience love and happiness because those things are only for people with four working limbs and five working senses or at least that's how I would feel in that situation CHUCKING KNIVES AT STUPID PEOPLE AND 'DANCING' WITH ZUKO ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY but Teo himself seemed to come out of the situation more or less coping with his problem.

"So The Mad Mechanist had a disabled son who couldn't walk and his first thought was to move what's left of his family and village up the highest mountain range in the world to live in the ruins of a society that considered drops into open space a much more enjoyable way of getting around than wheelchair-compliant ramps TEO GOT A WHEELCHAIR BECAUSE THE MECHANIST WAS SUCH A GENIUS INVENTOR THAT HE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO STICK WHEELS ON A LITTLE RECLINER BUT IF HE WANTED TO IMPRESS ME HE SHOULD HAVE INVENTED A SUPER PALAQUIN WITH A LASER OR SOMETHING THAT WAS CARRIED AROUND BY GOLDEN ROBOTS so to help make sure Teo wouldn't be taking any accidental skydiving adventures OR MAYBE HE DID ONCE OR TWICE WITHOUT FATAL RESULTS HA HA SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY FOR LAUGHING AT THAT THOUGHT The Mechanist went and invented or rather just completely stole the idea from the Air Nomads whose stuff he was using without paying the licensing fees for a glider rigging that would let Teo fly around and enjoy sailing through the cold high altitude air at SPIRITED speeds because a decently-sized elevator was just too simple a solution. And so when the Avatar arrived looking for his inherited Temple he found Teo flying above it and laughing like a lunatic but of course this endeared him to the Avatar and his groupies and I admit even I have a little respect for a kid who isn't satisfied with a numb existence being forced a long the boring life path most people celebrate with the word 'society'.

"On that note SING A SONG OF INSANITY LA DEE DA DEE DA Teo wasn't the only handicapped nonconformist munchkin the Avatar would encounter because later that Spring he recruited the Earthbender Toph into his little group just to liven things up and add another option in case Katara never got around developing feelings for boys and OH YEAH teach him Earthbending so that he could destroy the Fire Nation and all of its people. Toph's handicap lives in infamy at this point because she loved making jokes about her blindness and she even used 'The Blind Bandit' as a pseudonym I'LL GIVE HER POINTS FOR THE ALLITERATION BUT REALLY WHY 'BANDIT' UNLESS SHE WAS IMPLYING SHE WAS STEALING WINS FROM MUCH MORE DESERVING COMPETITORS OOH ZING and the whole reason she was supposedly a great Earthbender was because she couldn't see the rocks she was throwing at her opponents' heads and had to develop a mystical magic sense of the Earth that sometimes she had to be in contact with the Earth in question in order to make happen but other times she could sense rocks when they were on wood or sailing through the air and all of that somehow culminated in her ability to Earthbend metal just to show how tough she was. It's very easy to mistake this kind of display as an attention-getting fixation but when Toph is compared to Teo it's possible to see UNLESS YOU'RE BLIND how this was stuff she kind of had to do in order to get anywhere in the world because her own daddy's idea of assisting her with her handicap wasn't building her a radar helmet but just locking her up in a closet and not telling the world about her existence and it's not like Mr Bei Fong can even plead lack of intelligence or resources because he's one of the richest people in the whole world and Mr Mechanist probably would have been happy to accept a grant in exchange for one of those blind-person-canes but with a built-in quick-deploy flamethrower added.

"Toph and Teo first met during the war when they were both part of the violent Eclipse-based invasion of the Fire Nation's capital for the purpose of assassination BUT THEN AT LEAST THEY GOT TO PARTICIPATE UNLIKE SOME MOROSE KNIFETHROWERS but they didn't say much to each other at the time and even afterward when their whole group moved into the Western Air Temple OOH ANOTHER PLACE WITH LETHAL DROPS TOO BAD HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS GLIDER SO HE COULD REALLY IMPRESS THE LADIES AND TOPH but then so much of everyone's focus was on Zuko's arrival and recruitment AND MAYBE A PAST BETRAYAL OR TWO that it was entirely possible that Toph'n'Teo spent a little time hanging out when no one was looking and comparing dads and discussing what kinds of special architectural features they need and competing to see whose handicap was cooler or more debilitating or however they see OR NOT it and maybe even discovering that a reclining wheelchair can be just as much fun as a velvet-cushioned couch if you have other things on your mind but on the other hand it's unlikely that Teo could have gone too long without bragging about his custom glider and related ability to fly and as Toph has expressed many times before she doesn't like being apart from the ground whether it's in a boat or submarine or flying bison and she most especially finds flying a terrifying experience and while most guys would consider that a great chance to snuggle a little with the girl in question 'OH DON'T BE SCARED HONEY I'LL HOLD ON TIGHT EVEN THOUGH IT WON'T DO ANYTHING TO SAVE US IF WE FALL' we girls don't think too highly of that tactic and if there's one thing I really like about Toph it's that she expresses her displeasure with acts of violence. Teo has already proven himself to be a bit more fragile that the other guys he hangs out with who can fall off of building and run smack into walls and get thrown great distances all without so much as bruising so it's safe to say Teo simply won't last very long if the Blind Bandit ever takes offense at his attempts to get a LEG up on her CAN I GET A RIMSHOT WITH THAT.

"I just don't understand how pairing people up because they're both disabled is considered wrong, but getting two benders together because they wear contrasting colors is so popular. That either makes me really stupid or a genuine genius."


	35. Junroh

**Mai on... Junroh!**

"You don't have to be a Fortuneteller to divine that most of the participants in the various popular _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ 'ships' would really rather be making out with someone else, but the one pairing that practically defines the term 'non-consensual' is one-sided attraction the Dragon of the West Iroh maintains for the bounty hunter June.

"There's a curious practice in many romances that always turned me off to the genre in which one party LET'S CALL THIS PARTY AANG wants to start a fun and healthy romance with another party AND WE'LL CALL THIS PERSON OH I DON'T KNOW KATARA but the party we're identifying as Katara isn't exactly thrilled by the idea of waking up in the party we're pegging as Aang's arms either because he smells funny or she doesn't like bald people or she considers him a brother or they just haven't walked through a cave together in a while so she's not particularly in the mood. Well in these stories the happy ending usually comes about when after countless hours of nagging and come-ons and other forms of sexual harassment from the Aang party the Katara party finally throws up her hands and agrees to a unfulfilling relationship because she just can't take it anymore and isn't that great little kids they got together and will stay together forever and somehow I was expected to think the coerced couple in question will be pleased by the situation until the day they die AND THEY ALWAYS DIE ON THE SAME DAY IN THESE STORIES WHICH WAS ANOTHER WARNING FLAG FOR ME.

"Not that I'm implying anything about any real life couples I know.

"On that note WOULD CALL THAT NOTE SHARP OR A BIT FLAT we turn to Uncle General Iroh who coming off of his successful defeat at Ba Sing Se when his son died and he lost his taste for killing the sons of other fat people I'M WELL AWARE OF WHAT MY JOB IS AND I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SOMEONE ELSE TRYING TO STAB ME OR KIDNAPING MY SIBLING FOR USE AS BAIT returned home to make use of his nephew Zuko as a replacement offspring UNLESS YOU BELEIVE THE RUMORS ABOUT HIM AND URSA HMMMMM but that all went sour when Zuko got himself banished for the crime of not beating up his father OOH IF BEATING UP FATHERS IS MANDATORY I CAN BE A MODEL CITIZEN and had to search the entire world for a fairy tale that didn't exist. Iroh invited himself along on the trip because he claimed Zuko wasn't very good yet at buttoning his shirt AT LEAST I HOPE IT WAS HIS SHIRT yet but I know for a fact that Zuko was very good at dressing himself at that point WHAT I WAS CURIOUS AND THE PEEPHOLES WERE JUST MY HEIGHT AND BESIDES AZULA SAID IT WAS OKAY so I consider it much more likely that Iroh was looking to get out of the stuffy old palace and check out the dating prospects in various exotic I MEANT EROTIC OH WAIT NO I DIDN'T EXOTIC IS FINE ports up and down the world.

"It was in one of these ports OH YEAH BY THIS POINT ZUKO HAD DISCOVERED THAT THE AVATAR WAS ALIVE AND NOT A FAIRY TALE SO HE COULD TURN HIS UNCLE'S LECHEROUS TOUR INTO AN ACTUAL CHASE that Iroh and his neurotic nephew first encountered the bounty hunter June AND YES IT'S SPELLED WITH AN 'E' AT THE END DON'T YOU PEOPLE WATCH THE CREDITS whose major claim to fame BESIDES BEING THE PRETTIEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN is her giant Shirshu mount which looks like a mix between a mole and a bear and can smell its prey anywhere in the world WHICH BY MY CALCULATIONS MEANS SMELL IS THE FASTEST THING IN EXISTANCE EVEN OUTPACTING WIND AND LIGHTNING BUT THEN AGAIN LIGHTNING IS SO SLOW EVEN ZUKO CAN OUTRUN IT BUT SINCE THE AVATAR COULDN'T DODGE THE LIGHTNING BOLT WITH HIS NAME ON IT MAYBE THE WIND ISN'T VERY FAST AFTER ALL OOPS I'M GETTING OFF TRACK and has a tongue that can flip out and lick a grown man into complete paralysis with a single touch making the animal a bit of a gamebreaker for the bounty hunting business but the fun part is probably actually getting paid for the bountyee in question so at least June got to have that pleasant experience more often. Zuko's a good boy so his first thought upon laying eyes on June's dark beauty I LIKE THE ALL BLACK LOOK BUT THAT MUCH LEATHER IS REALLY JUST TAKING THINGS TOO FAR was that she could be a useful ally in his quest to CAPTURE THE AVATAR because she was after all a bounty hunter and although it's strange that Zuko got that far in his chase without considering the help of some outside contractors he apparently began relying on them a bit too heavily by the time he returned home with Azula because he hired some kind of Terminator to kill the Avatar for him and that wouldn't be so bad but Zuko wasn't sure yet that killing the Avatar was the right thing to do so perhaps hiring someone who could hunt down and then CAPTURE the kid for him AGAIN would have been a better idea but hey at least Zuko was trying to break out of his right and believe me that's a very good thing. In contrast however Uncle General Iroh never had much interest in employees unless their uniform of choice was made of black leather LET'S JUST SAY THAT GETTING TEA AT THE JASMINE DRAGON IS A VERY 'INTERESTING' EXPERIENCE FOR THE RIGHT MINDSET so of course he was impressed with June's abilities in very different ways from his nephew.

"Zuko's quest of course had priority in this case 'NO SHE CAN'T DO A FEW DANCES ON A TABLE THE AVATAR IS INCREASING HIS LEAD AS WE SPEAK' so they set right on the Shirshu and I don't have a problem with Zuko holding on to June as they rode because that's what passengers have to do on those kinds of saddles THAT'S THE SOLE REASON I LET SOKKA GIVE ME A RIDE THAT ONE TIME ON HIS EELHOUND and fortunately for June Iroh was seated in the back but once they found the Avatar and started in on the requisite multi-person brawl Uncle General no longer felt the need to hold back and he was all patting June's face when she was unconscious POOR GIRL WOKE UP JUST IN TIME WHO KNOWS WHAT BODYPART WAS NEXT and ogling her as she fought SOME SAY SHE SHOULDN'T WEAR LEATHER IF SHE DISLIKES THAT TYPE OF THING BUT I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH MAKING THIS HER FAULT AND BESIDES IT'S A LEGITIMATE FASHION STATEMENT and even catching her body after she was paralyzed by her own Shirshu THAT WOULD BE GROUNDS FOR A LAWSUIT UNDER ZUKO'S NEW REFORMED FIRE NATION LAWS AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM OH AND THE PLAN TO TURN THE SHIRSHU AGAINST JUNE WAS SOKKA'S IDEA I JUST THOUGHT I'D GET THAT OUT THERE. According to Zuko they spent about an hour lying there with June unable to do anything to get away and Iroh unwilling to be a gentleman in the matter and the Nuns who worked at the battle site didn't even help because they were all like 'If you run with the wrong crowd you get what's coming to you' but I don't think that's a very good way to think about things and apparently neither does June because when Zuko hired her much later to track down his Uncle General for him TURNS OUT IROH'S FIRST THOUGHT UPON GETTING OUT OF PRISON WAS TO RETURN TO THE GIRLS OF BA SING SE June made sure she dropped Zuko and his friends off well short of Iroh's location and then got out of there as fast as her Shirshu could carry her.

"And Zuko wonders why I wear my full set of knives when we go to visit his uncle. Although I do think I'd look good with a skull-shaped hairpiece."


	36. Zuki

**Mai on... Zuki!**

"For _Avatar_ fans who absolutely have to see all their favorite characters paired up by some arbitrary point in time, a girl like Kyoshi Warrior Suki with no obvious national affiliation is a handy tool. However, I absolutely draw the line at pairing her up with MY boyfriend, the Fire Prince Zuko.

"I mean I know Suki is very pretty IF YOU GO FOR THAT KIND OF LOOK because it's kind of hard to miss considering she wears the same amount of clothing while hanging around the house and going on shopping trips as I do when making a rare visit to a hormone-soaked un-chaperoned beach TO SPECIFY YOU CAN SEE THE SAME AMOUNT OF MY SKIN THAT TY LEE SHOWS OFF ON AN AVERAGE DAY and when she's not going overboard on the inferiority complex that makes her sometimes hate all men and especially those who try to point out her legitimate flaws I'm sure she can display a very sweet BUT NOT QUITE KATARA-LEVEL personality but I just have to be suspicious of a girl with a completely unknown history and a day job that seems to consist solely of hiding from the rest of the world and learning how to eviscerate an unmoving training dummy in 5 different ways.

"You see Suki grew up on what's known as Kyoshi Island because about a million years ago Avatar Kyoshi got mad that she couldn't afford any beachfront property despite the money she made performing in Kabuki IS THAT WHAT THEY'RE CALLING BURLESQUE THESE DAYS theater for her boss Chin the "Conqueror" so she used her holy Avatar powers to tear her home village off from the rest of the Earth Kingdom and sail it out into the nearest sea. I have to question Kyoshi's sanity at this point because if she really wanted beaches she should have plunked her little island down somewhere closer to the Equator rather than just a stone's throw away from the South Pole which aside from being cold also seems to attract giant sea monsters and if you're looking to be a successful trading port Evil Unagi are definitely not something you want hanging around and glaring with amused derision at any ship that comes near your harbors.

"Now the residents of Kyoshi Island wear both green colors and blue colors so there's no easy way to classify them as being Water Tribe or Earth Kingdom but the local police force AT LEAST I THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE definitely favor green but even that seems to just be an homage to Avatar Kyoshi herself because they all wear the same dress and armor she did and wear the same ugly attention-grabbing makeup she favored for whatever reason PROBABLY TO HIDE SOME KIND OF DISFIGURING DISFIGURMENT BUT SHE NEEDN'T HAVE BOTHERED THAT TYPE OF THING CAN ACTUALLY BE ATTRACTIVE IF WORN RIGHT and even fight with same inefficient war fans WHAT'S THE POINT OF A WEAPON THAT ISN'T SHARP AND DOESN'T ADD ANY RANGE TO ATTACKS and call themselves the KYOSHI WARRIORS because no one ever gets tired of hearing the name Kyoshi on Kyoshi Island in the Kyoshi Sea in the village of Kyoshi where the Kyoshi Warriors spend their time learning the Kyoshi fighting style OH NO NOT AT ALL.

"Nobody knows what prompted Suki to join the Kyoshi Warriors but it has been speculated that she wanted to follow in the footsteps of some female relative like a mother GEE I WONDER WHAT THAT MUST BE LIKE I USE MY MUM AS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT I'D KILL MYSELF FOR BECOMING or grandmother or butt-kicking aunt or someone but no one NOT EVEN SOKKA I KNOW BECAUSE SOMETIMES I CHAT HIM UP BUT NOT FOR THE REASONS YOU'RE THINKING NO NO NO has ever heard or seen any evidence of any family in any aspect of Suki's life at all. It's also possible that becoming a Kyoshi Warrior is just something that all teenage girls on Kyoshi Island do but I can't help but wonder why that would be because any girl with any taste SPECIFICALLY FAVORING DARK COLORS AND SKULL-SHAPED HAIR ORNAMENTS would balk at wearing that kind of makeup for years of her life and wouldn't a good history curriculum OR AT LEAST A WELL-DRAWN COMIC BOOK SERIES be a better way of teaching girls about her holiness the Avatar Kyoshi anyway?

"However the most popular reasoning behind Suki's decision to seek to boss all her tart friends around is that she's just so PURE and HONORABLE that she was born with an innate understanding of all the good things Avatar Karaoke stood for and she spent her whole childhood dreaming of becoming a Kyoshi Warrior and standing up for what's right and bringing peace to the world with masterful use of her perfect leadership skills and when that didn't work judicious use of a katana. Needless to say BUT YOU KNOW ME I'M GOING TO SAY IT ANYWAY WITH AS CRITICAL A TONE AS I CAN MUSTER WITH MY GRATING VOICE I don't really BUY that because I witnessed something similar growing up but the girl in question didn't end up dating Sokka and befriending the Avatar IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE but rather killing the Avatar at least once and tormenting Sokka and becoming history's third most hated villain but for some reasons double-standards never seem to apply when we're talking about Azula and Suki.

"For his part Zuko was NEVER very fond of Azula so of course AND PLEASE DON'T THINK TOO DEEPLY ABOUT THE LOGIC HERE he's never shown the slightest bit of emotional or physical or psychological interest in Salacious Suki Time even though from what I hear he had more than enough time to do so. Zuko first encountered Suki when he attacked KaMonkey Island during his LONG hunt for the Avatar and the only interaction he had with her was to beat her up a little bit NORMALLY I'D HYPOCRITICALLY CALL HIM OUT ON HITTING GIRLS BUT IN THIS CASE I FIND I REALLY DON'T MIND and as soon as the Avatar retreated Zuko quickly followed because he had absolutely no interest in spending another moment among the Clown Girls especially considering he goes for darker beauties AS YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY HE STARES AT ME OH YEAH and he wouldn't even think of her again until he was helping Sokka break Suki out of Alcatraz and even though Suki tried flirting with him YES I'M SURE OF IT the same way she did with Sokka by at first pretending to be annoyed by his poor life choices and then working well with him in a dangerous situation Zuko couldn't be less interested in the at this point less colorful floozy because I also happened to be in the area and trust me Zuko had his full attention on me every time I saw him OF COURSE HE WAS ALSO AFRAID THAT I WOULD STAB HIM AT THE TIME BUT THEN THAT'S A FEAR HE'LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIS WHOLE LIFE and even afterwards when for all he knew I could be dead he was too preoccupied running away from the man-hungry ministrations of the Waterbender and the blind Earthbender to worry too much about a girl who lost her weapons and couldn't come up with a better way of flirting than wearing red and exposing her belly button hoping the handsome prince would notice what a GREAT fighter she was even though all the girls he ever knew were great fighters and NONE of the others were so greedy that they wanted both Sokka and Zuko as playthings WHY AM I GETTING STARES?

"Something about overly made up women and scarred Firebenders get my blood boiling, but in two very different ways."


	37. Azutara

**Mai on... Azutara!**

"The _Avatar_ world has more than its share of strong, proactive women, and naturally quite a few of them developed intense rivalries with each other. One of the more amusing was between the two dominant females on each side of the War, the Waterbender Katara and the Fire Princess Azula.

"Katara and Azula WHO BOTH SEEM UNUSUALLY FOND OF THE LETTER 'A' have such a stunning number of similarities BESIDES THAT 'A' THING that one could be forgiven for wondering if the Spirits' original intention for one of the girls was to be the classic evil opposite for the other and while most would peg Katara as the original and Azula as said sinful clone because Katara is self-righteous and pretty IF YOU GO FOR THAT TYPE OF LOOK AND BY NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW I MOST LIKELY DON'T and Azula was EVEN I'LL ADMIT a horrible person with a talent for physical and personal destruction at least Azula never took the time to torture the supposed love of her life with a 'hard to get' routine that makes even an Avatar chased by a dorky prince look like an easy snatch and that implies some rather interesting things about their alignments in my opinion WHICH IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Both girls were the younger sibling of a four-person family and the odd parallels don't stop there because their FATHERS were both the leaders of their respective nations even though Ozai was a tyrannical god King of the world's only modern military superpower and Hakoda was just the easygoing chief of a tribe that consisted of maybe about half a dozen inbred families who thought indoor plumbing was science fiction meanwhile their MOTHERS were practically identical in that they were both homebody non-warriors despite my previous observation that the world I live in is full of Amazon chicks and both had an ultimately self-destructive regard for their children that lead them to sacrifice in Kya's case her whole life and in Ursa's case her status as the world's most expensive kept woman in order to save the life of a child from a psychotic Firebender. Katara and Azula themselves were both young Bending prodigies of their respective elements who everyone in their respective families favored over their dumber older brothers.

"The brothers themselves are another source of very suspicious parallels especially with the relationship they FOR REASONS BEYOND MY KEN OOH FANCY PHRASE maintain with their tiresome sisters. You see both Azula and Katara aren't what I would call very nice to their brothers AND BELIEVE ME I KNOW HOW TO BE A NICE SISTER BECAUSE I DIDN'T FLUSH MY BABY BROTHER DOWN THE TOILET WHEN HE SPIT UP ON MY FAVORITE BLACK DRESS AND YES I HAVE A TOILET I ALREADY MENTIONED MY NATION INVENTED INDOOR PLUMBING which is probably the result of some kind of secret insecurity born of a fear that there's a place in the world where a pretty face won't fly as an excuse for all the horrible things they do to people but really Katara and Azula IS IT JUST ME OR ARE THEIR NAMES STARTING TO SOUND LIKE A STANDUP COMEDY ACT are so chronically cruel to their siblings that it makes me wonder if a set of bassinets weren't switched around during some kind of unlikely boating accident involving a canoe and a metal battleship during simultaneous family fishing trips.

"As anyone familiar with the family knows Azula was always taunting her HOT brother Zuko because he wasn't as good as her at lighting the carpet on fire and the few times he successfully did set said carpet aflame Azula would then further psychologically damage him by telling their dad that Zuko was lighting the house on fire starting with the tacky carpet and after a lifetime of such events Zuko and Azula both began to legitimately wonder if the royal plan of succession might not be changed soon to put the more competent child on the throne. Back in the South Pole Katara was constantly taunting her HOT older brother Sokka because he wasn't a bender at all and in the absence of any adult supervision felt it his duty to tell all the stupid people around him how to stay alive and that went double for his really stupid sister who seemed to have a lot of trouble making the connection between actions and consequences but every time he tried to tell her things like 'Katara you shouldn't eat carpet especially when it's on fire' she'd just call him names and belittle his abilities and claim their mother didn't love him and insult his intelligence and compose poems about how his girlfriends kept dying and it was all his fault and then eat the flaming carpet anyway and subsequently require rescue. Also AND I HATE TO BRING THIS UP BECAUSE I HAVE A WEAK STOMACH the girls both had some rather nasty subtext going on with their beloved big brothers in that Zuko and Azula had no problem walking into each other's bedrooms without knocking and leaning close together while arguing AND I NOTICE AZULA TOOK SOME KIND OF SPECIAL DELIGHT IN INTERPOSING HERSELF BETWEEN ZUKO AND I WHENEVER SHE SAW US GETING COZY while Sokka and Katara spent a disturbing amount of time hanging out together while just wearing undergarments and they shared a tent EVEN THOUGH SHE CLAIMED NOT TO LIKE THE SMELL OF HIS SLEEPING BAG OR MAYBE THAT WAS HER WAY OF PLAYING COY while camping out with their friends in the wilderness and I notice Katara took every possible opportunity to mock her bother's romantic adventures in a creepy way.

"Despite their chances for getting on famously with each other NO NOT THAT WAY FREAKS GREAT I DRAGGED THIS WHOLE THING DOWN INTO THE GUTTER WITH THE INCEST TALK Katara and Azula didn't interact with each much outside of battle but then everyone in my world battles each other at one point or another even Ty Lee and I sometimes fight just to do something I PROMISE NOT TO AIM FOR ANY MAJOR ARTORIES AND SHE PROMISES NOT TO GROPE ME WHILE I'M PARALYZED however Azula and Katara really got in each other's face in the caverns below Ba Sing Se because Azula had been trying to lure the Avatar over so that she could make a pass at him and of course Katara had what she considers to be lots of CONFUSING feelings for Aang but they were only confusing because she wanted his body but he didn't have any dead parents they could bond over BUT I'M DIGRESSING AND WE HAVE SOME JUICY GOSSIP COMING UP so in retaliation Katara tried to seduce Zuko but then Azula was all 'Oh no you don't skank' so she seduced Zuko better OVER TO THE SIDE OF EVIL NOT LIKE A REAL SEDUCTION and then Katara was like 'You think you got it going on but you don't' and she manipulated the Avatar into teaming up with her to beat up Azula and that on top of the stuff with Zuko got Azula really mad so she was just 'I'm not going to waste my time catfighting with you' and shot the Avatar dead with lightning and Katara just went 'I hate you' and ran away crying.

"They didn't meet up again during the Black Sun Invasion because they were too busy paralleling each other with their loyalty to their fathers but while Azula's loyalty got her in the same room with Sokka YOU GO GIRL BUT NOT TOO MUCH BECAUSE SOKKA'S BETTER THAN THAT Katara's loyalty just had her playing crutch to her broken down old man but a little while later when Zuko was heading off to have his FINAL CONFRONTATION OOH DRAMATIC with Azula Katara asked to tag along so she could get Azula back for the incident in Ba Sing Se and Zuko was a little taken aback because he thought it was important to his story arc that he kill his little sister but Katara just shook her head and went 'No no no you just need to get killed by lightning like Aang I need to smack her down for my character arc' so for the sake of the drama Zuko was forced to jump in front of the lightning and almost die while Katara got to fight Azula and finally prove TO WHOEVER CARED that she was prettier and a better fighter and more sane NOT THAT IT'S ANY BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT by tying Azula up with chains and while everyone was distracted by that image Katara healed Zuko from his electric overdose just to put the final nail in that EVIL OPPOSITE coffin once and for all.

"I once thought I'd be more popular if I had someone to catfight with, but then I realized that would mean spending more time with Suki, and decided I can do without."


	38. Smellershot

_Well, as of this writing, we're at 90 reviews. I don't mean to try to artificially inflate this number_ (_okay, maybe I do), but I've made it a habit on other sites to celebrate the very roundy-est numbers with a Mai ship. Which do you guys want when we hit 100? Maitara? Tomai? Maikka? (I recommend against that one, as I think it will be better if we wait a bit.) Let me know in your reviews!_

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**Mai on... Smellershot!**

"Outside of the main cast, few of the participants in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ were lucky enough to achieve an unambiguously happy romantic ending, but the mysterious pairing that seems to have captured the most underground interest is the strange relationship between the Freedom Fighters Smellerbee and Longshot.

"The Freedom Fighters are a rather mysterious group in and of themselves because the only things we really know about them are that they all had some kind of horrible Fire Nation related tragedy somewhere in their unknown backstories BUT THEN EVERYONE AROUND HERE IS LIKE THAT EVEN THE FIRE NATION'S PRETTIEST AND MOST ACCOMPLISHED WARRIORS PLUS ME and then subsequently found employment with the world's youngest and most incompetent and creepiest terrorist ever who was only known by the rather unimaginative alias OR MAYBE HIS PARENTS WERE CLOSET AIRBENDERS AND LIKED PLANES OR SOMETHING of 'Jet'.

"Smellerbee despite her appearance is the only member of Jet's Freedom Fighters AT LEAST AMONGST THOSE WHO HAVE NAMES AND THAT WE SUPPOSEDLY CARE ABOUT BUT I CAN ALREADY FEEL MY ATTENTION WANDERING who can claim to be a girl and so of course she became the intersection for all romantic possibilities but Other than that no one knows anything about her so it's time to trot out my tired old friend NO NOT TY LEE the ever popular SPECULATION so that I have something to talk about and we may as well start with Smellerbee's rather unlikely gender. She looks even more masculine than Toph OR MYSELF IN THE RIGHT LIGHTING IF YOU DON'T GO FOR MY GLOOMY TYPE especially with that hair that looks like she cuts it with a broadsword but perhaps she purposely cultivates that look UNLIKE TOPH WHO HAS A RATHER FRIGID RELATIONSHIP WITH MIRRORS AND MYSELF BECAUSE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT I LOOKED NICE UNTIL EVERYONE AND TY LEE CLUED ME IN as a method of fitting in with the guys or perhaps she suffered some kind of childhood trauma related to her femininity like being chased around the gardens by boys holding bugs in her face or maybe the guys she likes just go for that kind of masculine look with all the unpleasant implications that come to mind. She seems to also have a thing for bladed weapons but then so do pretty much all non-benders I MEAN EVEN SUKI IS SMART ENOUGH TO CARRY A SWORD AROUND EVEN IF SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO USE IT and I find myself unable to criticize or ridicule Smellerbee for it because then I'd just seem like a hypocrite and I try to limit that to only twice a month. Smellerbee's last notable feature OOH I THINK THAT'S AN INSULT OF SOME KIND is her silly striped face paints which seem to be unique in the world because I didn't notice any similar patterns that time Zuko took me to visit the Sun Warriors BUT THEN THEY ALL WALK AROUND HALF NAKED SO I ADMIT MY EYES WEREN'T ON THEIR FACES ALL THE TIME and as far as I know none of the past Avatars favored such face paint so she can't be just another fangirl and the Yu Yan archers also go for a completely different kind of facial marking so it seems that the look is a Smellerbee original.

"Speaking of the Yu Yan the Freedom Fighter who seemed to be closest to Smellerbee was the silent MORE OR LESS archer Longshot but he didn't wear any kind of facial markings so the comparison the Yu Yan is really based only on their collective weapon of choice THE BOW AND ARROW WHICH GETS GREAT RANGE BUT IS A LITTLE AWKWARD TO CARRY AROUND OR USE IN A CLOSET and uncanny WELL THAT'S FROM THE REST OF THE WORLD'S PERSPECTIVE FROM MINE IT'S MORE LIKE 'BARELY ADEQUATE' accuracy with that weapon. If Smellerbee seems like something a cipher then Longshot is even worse because one of his main defining characteristics is that he doesn't talk at all except when the situation is really dramatic and he's sure everyone will pay attention to him. This might seem really inconvenient because like certain knife-wielding Fire Nation girls with unappreciated looks and idiots for friends Longshot spent a lot of his time hanging out with a pair of said idiot friends who really needed him to run their lives and tell them not let old womanizers get them down or don't barge into public teahouses to beat up any old womanizers without a lawyer for backup AZULA USED TO KEEP A LEGAL COUNSELOR ON RETAINER FOR ALL OF OUR VISITS TO EMBER ISLAND AND BELIEVE ME IT REALLY PAID OFF ONCE OR TWICE but it's really hard to give advice without actually saying the advice out loud but for some reason that didn't seem to inconvenience Longshot in the slightest because his friends somehow knew what he was thinking without Longshot needing to say it OOH THE DAMAGE I COULD DO WITH THAT POWER.

"Considering the low intelligence of said friends I MEAN IF SMELLERBEE KNEW WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT OF HER LOOKS SHE'D PROBABLY CLEAN UP A LITTLE AND JET AS WE ALL KNOW NEVER SETTLED FOR A GOOD PLAN WHEN SOME BLATANT IDIOCY WOULD DO I think we can rule out their having any kind of psychic powers but considering Longshot's lack of a verifiable past and a mysterious grudge he has against the Fire Nation and his fantastic archery abilities just like a certain elite unit of Fire Nation archers I think it's safe to conclude that the boy is the result of some kind of top-secret Fire Nation Super Solider program that was trying to create a psychic long-range killer using genetic material from the greatest of our living archers but due to systematic incompetence that we could probably trace back to Fire Lord Ozai IF WE WANTED TO TAKE THE TIME BUT HONESTLY I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO wound up with a mute with no taste in friends instead who they let run off and reported it as a loss on the tax forms. Or he's the son of a Yu Yan archer or something and is just shy. Whichever.

"As unlikely as it may seem this duo WITH SOME DUBIOUS ASSISTANCE FROM JET actually managed to perpetrate IF YOU BELIEVE THE RUMORS AND CHEERS FROM PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS one of the more complicated love triangles of the Hundred Years War ACTUALLY MAKE THAT THE ONLY LOVE TRIANGLE BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS THAT ZUKO AND KATARA HAD NOTHING GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE HAS ACHIEVED NEW DISTURBING HEIGHTS WHEN IT COMES TO HAVING TOO MUCH TIME AND NOT ENOUGH TO DO. You see it's been noticed that Smellerbee was VERY loyal to Jet even to the point of following him into exile after he got his butt kicked by an UNTRAINED girl and lost the respect of his other Freedom Fighters and even in this sorry state he still seemed to receive not just Smellerbee's company but a great deal of her concern and respect and when he was released from Juvenile lockup she even went so far as to visit on his unwashed body an intense tackle hug or whatever you call it when you run at someone and then use them as a means of deceleration AT LEAST TY LEE HOLDS STILL WHEN SHE'S HUGGING.

"Longshot on the other hand didn't show any great reverence for his supposed leader and actually spent most of his time giving silent pep talks to Smellerbee when people insulted her looks and romantic preferences YOU GET WHAT I'M IMPLYING EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES NO SENSE GIVEN WHAT WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED and backing her up when she told Jet that he had a problem and the drinking had to stop OR WHATEVER HE WAS DOING IN THAT TEASHOP and following her to certain death when she wanted to provide some backup firepower when Jet and the Avatar went to go pick a fight with the most powerful politician in the Earth Kingdom and staying behind with her in the lair of the most powerful secret police force in the Earth Kingdom to cry over the body of their HARDLY LAMENTED leader Jet as he was dying. Actually despite his talking problems and big nose he sounds like a really loyal and supportive guy UNLIKE SOME BOYFRIENDS WHO RUN AWAY AT THE FIRST SIGN OF THE END OF THE WORLD and he doesn't seem to have any makeup-addicted past loves coming out of the woodwork and he most certainly wasn't at all CONFUSED as to who he wants to spend his time with so really Smellerbee could do quite well with him considering her hideousness but of course she had to be stupid and throw her life away on a bad boy with lice in his hair. If the pair somehow managed to survive against all odds PROBABLY MORE THANKS TO THE GUY WHO HELD ON TO HIS WEAPON AS OPPOSED TO THE GIRL WHO DROPPED HERS TO GO CRY OVER A DEAD THUG Longshot might work up the will to actually speak of whatever feelings he harbors for Smellerbee and Ms Bumblebee in turn might finally notice the good thing she's had ready and waiting right under her nose but she's a little young for that yet and will probably have to cycle through a few more jerks before she really gets what this game is about.

"Dumb girls don't realize it when they have a good guy. I'm smart, so I seized the first one I found and keep a backup list in case he fades on me."


	39. Sokkaang

_Only two more reviews to go until the extra special celebratory "100 Reviews" Ramble. Vote for the Mai ship you want to see done, but no double-voting!_

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**Mai on... Sokkaang!**

"With all the big, dramatic events happening in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_, subtle changes are sometimes lost in the shuffle. As such, it's easy to miss the increasing comfortable friendship between Avatar Aang and Sokka of the Water Tribe as they worked to destroy my homeland.

"First of all it's important to understand that while the Northern Water Tribe's gimmick is the backwards self-destructive suppression of their female population for no reason other than Tradition and general Stupidity I MEAN I CAN SEE WHERE THE GUYS ARE COMING FROM THEY FEEL THREATENED BUT IT'S TIME TO STOP BEING POLITICALLY CORRECT AND ADMIT THAT WOMEN ARE BIOLOGICALLY SUPERIOR WARRIORS TO MEN AS ALL THE REAL WORLD EVIDENCE SHOWS the Southern Water Tribe does things a little different in that it's SOCIAL LIVES that are outlawed under pain of frosty glares NOT THAT THERE'S MUCH OF AN ALTERNATIVE DOWN THERE IN SNOW COUNTRY HA HA GET IT WELL THEY CAN'T ALL BE ORIGINAL because if their kids ever discovered things like having fun and going on dates then the whole social structure would collapse because next they'd want to move out of their parents' tents and once they're living on their own they'll realize that hunting for dinner and making a living at the South Pole isn't much fun and then they'd all move away to nicer locales like the Fire Nation where the weather is bearable and people can have all the fun and dates they want so long as they consider arson fun and find superior warrior women attractive BUT ALL MEN DO WHETHER THEY ADMIT IT OR NOT. The LOVING siblings Sokka and Katara were brought up with these kind of restrictions all around them and that PLUS A CENTURY LONG WAR THAT WASN'T DOING ANYTHING FOR ANYONE'S LIFE EXPECTANCY OR BIRTH RATES left them without any friends other than each other and absolutely no romantic prospects whatsoever WOW THAT'S EVEN WORSE THAN ZUKO'S CHILDHOOD unless all the rumors and my gossip about the Water Tribes is true and they really are okay with keeping everything in the family if you get what I mean. While Katara didn't take too kindly to that BUT THEN SHE DOESN'T TAKE TOO KINDLY TO ANYTHING BUT HER FELLOW ORPHANS Sokka was slightly smarter about it and figured if you can't beat them you would do well to join them WORDS TO LIVE BY BELIEVE ME so he accepted the complete lack of any social opportunities and devoted himself to enforcing this 'No Fun' policy on his sister and anyone else who was younger and shorter than he.

"This honestly wasn't very hard considering his village consisted of ten people and a bunch of tents but things got more challenging after the freakiest fishing trip ever UNLESS YOU COUNT THAT ONE OZAI TOOK AZULA ON HERE'S A HINT THEY DIDN'T BOTHER CATCHING THE FISH BEFORE FRYING THEM WITH A LITTLE 'OLD BAY' SEASONING when he dropped his fishing line into the water and came back to find a frosted Avatar caught on the hook and wiggling for its life. Katara immediately took to the last Air Nomad HE WAS THE CLOSEST THING TO A MALE ORPHAN SHE HAD AROUND THERE UNLESS YOU COUNT HER BROTHER AND I TRY NOT TO but Sokka didn't much like this new challenge to the rather dreary status quo and tried to banish the little baldy but as soon as he said the words 'banish' and 'Avatar' in the same sentence Prince Zuko's Honor Sense began tingling and he crashed the party LITERALLY and started what would become an epic quest OR MAYBE A TIRED RUNNING GAG to capture Aang so that he could finally prove to his father that he was just as good at fishing as Azula even though it was Sokka who technically hooked the kid. If there was anything Sokka hated more than Fun at that point it was the Fire Nation HE LIKES BOTH A LITTLE MORE NOW BUT STILL HASN'T QUITE FIGURED OUT THAT THE TWO CAN BE COMBINED FOR A MULTIPLYING EFFECT so he and his little sister broke out the shotgun and went a'hunting for Zuko's ship and afterwards the terrorist trio had to get the Inferno out of Dodge to avoid any crispy reprisals AND ALSO SOMETHING ABOUT THE AVATAR LEARNING ALL FOUR ELEMENTS SO THAT HE COULD EXTERMINATE MY PEOPLE so Sokka found himself having to live atop a Sky Bison with a hyperactive twelve-year-old who seemed to value Fun over all else INCLUDING COMMON SENSE BUT THEN THE WATER TRIBES WEREN'T TOO BIG ON THAT EITHER.

"Sokka initially was quite hostile to Aang and did his best to protect his sister from Aang's corrupting influence ALTHOUGH HE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND THE AVATAR'S VARIOUS ATTEMPTS TO HIT ON KATARA WHICH PROBABLY SAYS MORE ABOUT WATER TRIBE CULTURE THAN EVEN I'M QUALIFIED TO DEDUCE and before anyone starts feeling any sympathy for the little bald imp let it be known that Aang took a lot of delight in bad-mouthing and outright defying Sokka's culture and even personally insulting Sokka's character and annoying him at every opportunity but I'm going to be generous HEY IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES and admit that it probably wasn't personal on Aang's part because he was just showing off for Katara who did seem to have some kind of personal resentment towards her brother probably because he looked or smelled or otherwise reminded her of their father and she had a problem with her father that probably goes back to how he wasn't able to protect her mother from the Fire Nation's evil Kentucky Fried Chicken recipes. Despite all this trouble Aang and Sokka were able to work together whenever it was necessary because whatever problems they had with each couldn't compare to the problems they had with Zuko especially when he was doing things like tying Katara to trees and also Zhao when he was doing things like tying Katara to temple pillars WHAT DOES THE GIRL HAVE SOME KIND OF FETISH OR SOMETHING THAT'S JUST WEIRD.

"Aang even came to appreciate Sokka's talent for tactics and planning OR MAYBE HE WAS JUST IMPRESSED BY SOKKA'S ATTENTION SPAN WHICH IS ACTUALLY THE SECOND LARGEST I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED or perhaps he was just suitably cowed the time he accidentally burned Katara's hands while playing with matches AND NO I DON'T KNOW WHY HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD IMRESS KATARA HE SHOULD HAVE JUST TIED HER TO HIS GLIDER STAFF INSTEAD and Sokka retaliated by beating Aang like a humanitarian eldest son without even having to use a weapon to put the mighty Avatar on the ground I BET I COULD DO THAT TOO IF I WANTED AND ACTUALLY I KIND OF WANT TO GIVE IT A TRY NOW and while that type of behavior would normally destroy a friendship between two girls JUST ASK AZULA amongst guys it just triggers one of those 'Alpha Male' behavioral patterns they like to go on about and thus Aang and Sokka settled into a comfortable brotherly camaraderie led by Sokka and bolstered by their shared war experiences that didn't fail even when the meatlover and vegetarian debated over where to go out for lunch.

"Ty Lee and I have a similar friendship. I like Fire Flakes, she prefers unsalted popcorn, and we hardly ever get into any brawls over it."


	40. Maitara

_So, having topped 100 reviews, it's time for our big celebration! This pairing actually tied with a non-Mai coupling (it's complicated), so next week I'll be following up with that little crackship. Thanks to all my readers, reviewers, alertees, and stalkers (even those who don't review) for your continued support and unhealthy adoration. Enjoy this extra long, extra harsh Rambling!_

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**Mai on... Maitara!**

"It doesn't take a genius to see that Katara of the Southern Water Tribe and I are two very different people who would have had a hard time relating to each other under even the best of circumstances. However, fate seemed to take some kind of perverse pleasure in constantly putting her at odds with all of my few real interests.

"I mean really you couldn't imagine two more different girls who come from the same planet although I do recall reading a piece of war propaganda at one point that alleged that the Water Tribals weren't quite Human and since we don't have any interdimensional doorways sitting around AT LEAST NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF BUT I ADMIT I HAVEN'T CHECKED EVERY CLOSET IN THE WORLD YET that leaves flying saucers FROM SPACE as the only other option for their origin unless you count whatever racist evolutionary myths I currently believe but can't be bothered to remember right now. You see I'm a fabulously wealthy noble with pale skin and shiny hair and am either elegantly pretty or an ugly man-face DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ASK AND THE TIME OF DAY and I live with a set of insensitive parents whose attentions I could really do without along with an adoring AT LEAST I THINK THAT'S WHAT THAT TOOTHLESS SMILE MEANS younger brother and while I'm not a Bender I've put the energy into becoming a fairly good WHICH MEANS I'M MAYBE IN THE WORLD'S TOP FIVE unpowered warrior who favors as a weapon knives and other sharp pointy LETHAL things which matches nicely with my personality or rather lack of personality since I only care about maybe six things in this entire world including Fire Flakes and Zuko and even for those I'm not likely to get worked up enough to put myself out EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME AND I DON'T THINK I'M EVER GOING TO LIVE IT DOWN. Katara meanwhile is a dirty peasant who never heard of a bath with a tanned IS THAT DESCRIPTOR RACIST I'M REALLY NOT SURE HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO DESCRIBE HER SKIN COLOR complexion and rather dull dark hair AT LEAST I THINK IT'S DARK IT MIGHT JUST BE HORRIBLY UNWASHED who everyone and Ty Lee agrees is one of the most beautiful creatures currently sucking oxygen who spent most of her life without any parental supervision leaving her craving the attentions of her daddy and whatever mother figure is currently available but she has an older brother who looks out for her even as he grumbles about her existence but he doesn't have a very tough job because she's one of the most powerful Waterbenders in all of history but she usually eschews the darker MORE EFFECTIVE Bloodbending arts because she's just that caring a person and she cares about EVERYTHING in a way that usually gets her lauded as an Epic Humanitarian when really she's just a self-righteous busybody since it's not like she's ever had to make a sacrifice for any of the people or issues she supposedly believes in.

"The Hope Goddess Katara was already up to her ears in a terrorist campaign to destabilize the only progressive nation in the world WHICH JUST HAPPENED TO BE MINE by the time I had the misfortune to run into her or rather she kind of ran into me and immediately made things personal by going after my family but HOLD ON we'll get to that later. You see Katara spent most of her life in the South Pole but she just happened to find the Amazing Avatar hiding in her closet and peeping at her while she hung out and upon realizing he was there she promptly threw herself at his feet and forever pledged herself as his chief worshipper so long as he could give her a ride out of her dead end life and take her to learn Waterbending BECAUSE AGNI FORBID SHE NOT BE THE GREATEST WATERBENDER EVER and find her daddy WHO HAD TROUBLE WITH THAT WHOLE WORK/LIFE BALANCE THING PEOPLE IN THE FIRE NATION WRITE BOOKS ABOUT and get bloody revenge against the people of the Fire Nation for the death of her mother ALTHOUGH THAT ONE WAS REALLY THE AVATAR'S FAULT BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO AT FIRST FORCE WATERBENDERS INTO TORTOROUS CONCENTRATION CAMPS AND LATER GENETICALLY CLEANSE THEM FROM THE TRIBES IF WE WEREN'T SO WORRIED THAT THE LAST AIRBENDER MIGHT HAVE DIED AND BEEN REBORN AS ONE OF THE BLUE PEOPLE BUT DON'T TRY TO TELL HER THAT BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST GET THE MOTHER OF ALL DIRTY LOOKS and in the meantime she had no problem earning her keep by helping the Avatar to disrupt the Fire Nation's glorious campaign to bring order and civilization to the chaotic Earth Kingdom and this patriotism thing is really getting to be work okay I'll admit it was a war of racist conquest and probably wasn't necessary but all my friends were doing it and I didn't want to be uncool so I did it too PEER PRESSURE AND FIREY DEATH THREATS FOR THE WIN. Their quest had brought them to my new home of Omashu because the crazy king we kept locked up on our balcony I KNOW IT'S ODD BUT WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF RE-REFURBISHING THE DUNGEON INTO SOMETHING MORE DUNGEONY AT THE TIME was one of the Kingdom's most accomplished Earthbenders BUT BY THAT AGE IT'D BE REALLY HARD NOT TO BE VERY ACCOMPLISHED UNLESS YOU SPENT ALL OF YOUR TIME LOCKED IN YOUR HOUSE WRITING FUNNY RANTS ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW AND DISLIKE and the Avatar had a burning need YES THAT WAS A PUN to throw rocks at the windows of the Fire Nation's Royal Palace.

"As soon as Katara and her Avatar arrived in Omashu they made a Vulturebee-line straight towards my family and I don't know exactly what they intended to do but there was a huge crash and then I saw the Avatar and his little Waterbender running away OH THERE WAS ALSO A DIRTY GUY WITH THEM WHO LOOKED LIKE HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN CUTE AFTER A LONG BATH BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW so of course I tried to stab them REFLEX ACTION HONEST but they got away and then not twelve hours later the group was hightailing it out of the city with my little brother in a bag. I can't be sure but I strongly suspect that it was Katara who masterminded that plan because the Avatar was sighted throughout the city at various points afterwards probably KNOWING THE KID AS I DO NOW because he got lost and couldn't find the exit and of course it couldn't have been Sokka's idea since he's way too smart I MEAN HE'S NOT EXACTLY AZULA BUT I FIND MYSELF CONISTANTLY IMPRESSED AT HOW EFFECTIVE HE CAN BE WHEN HE WANTS to gamble everything on a tricky hostage trade in the middle of large city controlled by the enemy but I can definately picture Katara MOST LIKELY WEARING SOMETHING TRASHY grabbing Tom-Tom on impulse with the vague idea of making my father the governor feel the same pain she did when he mother fell into the cooking fire.

"Looking back I'm really glad I took the extra time to ridicule her for being helpless without her bending.

"Katara continued to be a general nuisance throughout Azula's campaign WHICH I WAS HELPING HER WITH BECAUSE I'M SO NICE to get her hands on AND ARMS AROUND the Avatar and a generally useless tagalong who relies far too much on her emotions to drive her to victory but I admit it's fun to play with a person like Katara who wears her heart on her baggy short sleeves so even though it would have been more efficient to just put a knife in her heart or poke out an eye or something I always took the extra time to pin her uncomfortable blue clothes to the nearest hard surface just so that I could see that delicious OKAY SO MAYBE I AM A PSYCHO look of panic on her face. As far as I can remember Katara really didn't affect things in any way except I'm pretty sure it was the Waterwhirler who came up with the idea of escaping The Drill YOU KNOW THAT BIG BORING THING THAT THE FIRE LORD RAISED TAXES EIGHT TIMES TO FUND through the slurry outlets because slurry is wet and dirty just like she is most of the time and again I maintain Sokka is smarter than that ALTHOUGH NOW I'M HAVING A FLASHBACK TO THE TIME HE TOOD APART THE PLUMBING IN ZUKO'S BATHROOM TO SEE HOW IT WORKED and of course even the thought of mud makes me want to vomit YES EVEN WHEN ZUKO AND SOKKA ARE WRESTLING IN IT so I called it a day and went home early and without my help the Avatar and his friends won a decisive victory and sent all of our tax dollars to the trash heap.

"Katara finally had a major impact though when during her stay in Ba Sing Se she abandoned her post at the War Council where they were all deciding how their furniture would look in my bachelorette pad's living room after they invaded the capitol of the Fire Nation during a solar eclipse USELESS BENDERS USELESS BENDERS USELESS BENDERS and went to get some tea and HO WHAT A COINCIDENCE CAN YOU BELIEVE THOSE ODDS just happened to pick the Jasmine Dragon and got an eyeful of Zuko serving tea in an apron and rather than appreciating the sight for all its worth NOW I'M JEALOUS she ran back to the palace and blabbed about finding the Prince of the Fire Nation in the city HO WHAT A COINCIDENCE THOSE CRAZY ODDS ARE AT IT AGAIN to Azula AND SOME FRIENDS while we were hanging out in the Earth King's throne room pretending to be his painted concubines OR KYOSHI WARRIORS OR WHATEVER YOU CALL THEM. While I appreciate the tip that my boyfriend was nearby serving tea in an apron she really should have waited until I was alone with her or maybe passed me a note because Azula was the last person I wanted to know about Zuko's apron because the last time she saw him she tried to set his hair on fire and while I understand the siblings have a SPECIAL relationship I didn't think it was a good idea for them to meet up while they were still mad at each other.

"Furthermore this sequence of events led to Azula sticking Zuko and Katara in a cave together for a week and at this point it's legendary how EXCITED Katara gets when she's alone in a cave with a boy and it's probably equally as well known that I have a hard time keeping my temper in check whenever I smell a hint of either a one-sided or two-way attraction between Zuko and the little blue ragamuffin because I'm too ugly AH IT MUST BE TEA TIME IN MY TIME ZONE to handle any romantic competition. Fortunately Katara was far too emotional a girl to catch Zuko's interest HE HAS A TOUGH TIME DEALING WITH HIS EMOTIONS NEVER MIND THOSE OF A WEEPY GIRL SO IT'S LIKE I WAS BRED FOR HIM so later when he tried to join up with the Avatar she was miffed at his rejection and gave him the typical dramatic death threats that all fourteen-year-old girls resort to at one point or another.

"After that, being mad at her because she had a bigger part in the production of 'The Boy in the Iceberg' than my fictional counterpart does seem somewhat silly. But I can be very silly sometimes.

"One last major difference between Katara and myself was demonstrated near the very end of the war when we both had separate confrontations with Azula over Zuko EVEN THOUGH BOTH OF US PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SATISFIED JUST HAVING IT OUT WITH EACH OTHER. During mine Azula was going to punish me for saving Zuko's life at the cost of her vengeance against him SHE WAS PROBABLY JEALOUS HE WAS SPENDNG MORE TIME WITH THE AVATAR AND SOKKA THAN SHE GOT TO EVEN THOUGH TY LEE WAS TRYING DESPERATELY TO COMPENSATE and was my usual sensible self and purposely taunted Azula into a murderous frenzy and then prepared to take the Princess down as directly and as lethally as possible because I was probably going to die anyway and I consider taking my killer down with me to be proper form in that kind of situation. Azula AND ALSO MYSELF IN CASE YOU WERE STUPID survived the encounter thanks to some PINK outside intervention and so Azula was free to have her own final battle with Katara during the return of Sozin's Comet after Zuko walked chest-first into an unfortunate bolt of lightnight. Katara didn't even take a moment to toss off some appropriate insults while she was fighting Azulooney and when she eventually got around to snatching victory from the jaws of get deep-fat-fried YES FRYERS HAVE JAWS HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK AZULA KEEPS THE LIVE TURTLEDUCKS IN THERE she merely used her epic powers to make Azula slip on an icy patch on the ground and then tied the Princess up before she could regain her footing and as far as passive and indirect and foolhardy plans go I couldn't come up with a better one if I had a whole weekend and an endless supply of Fire Flakes so anyone who doubts at that Katara and I are each other's complete antithesis needs to pay attention more.

"If Katara wanted my little brother so much, she could have just asked for a trade. Just because I want to stab her with my dullest knife doesn't mean I can't be reasonable."


	41. Ty Ru

_And now Part 2 of our Centennial Celebration..._

* * *

**Mai on... Ty Ru!**

"As critical as I am about most of the rather disgusting romances being perpetrated around me, even I'm not above a little matchmaking every now and then. It just so happens that I've discovered the perfect partner for my dear friend Ty Lee in the wimpy Earthbender Haru.

"Flighty little Ty Lee has a rather tragic romantic history DESPITE BEING A COMPLETE AND UTTER TART in what makes for an even more unlikely situation than Zuko being crowned Fire Lord after running away to become best buddies with the Avatar and then somehow getting me to forgive his litany of mistakes and give him the make-up make-out to end all macking OH WAIT I SEEM TO RECALL SOMETHING LIKE THAT. You see Ty Lee may have a figure like a seventh generation concubine and an instinct to flirt that often overrides her needs to eat and sleep and use the water closet but sadly her environments and own fear of commitment BUT NOW I'M JUST SPECULATING have conspired to prevent her from ever really experiencing a kiss or even an appreciative pat on her backside. Ty Lee is one of roughly SIXTEEN BAJILLION sisters who all share the same face and hair and eyes ALTHOUGH IN MY OPINION TY LEE'S EARS ARE A BIT ROUNDER THAN THE OTHERS BUT MAYBE THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT ABOUT USING THEM AS TARGET PRACTICE SO MANY TIMES and so she naturally had a hard time attracting any attention when she was standing in a such a line-up IT'S LIKE ONE OF SOKKA'S FANTASIES ONLY WITH LESS RAINBOW FACEPAINT and when she did manage to break free it was to come hang out at the palace with the disturbing little Princess Azula and a morose little sycophant WHO I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO CLARIFY AS BEING MUCH UGLIER THAN EITHER OF HER SUPPOSED FRIENDS and no boys to try seducing unless you count Prince Zuko but I don't because believe me he had no idea what a girl was at the time or how much fun it can be to give them appreciative pats on the backside except for that one time but that was all part of prank set up by Azula so I don't count it.

"The three of use were eventually sent off to the Royal Fire Academy for Girls where it doesn't take a genius to figure out Ty Lee's prospects didn't improve one bit unless you count the fact that Azula was no longer restrained by parental supervision OR WHATEVER PASSED FOR IT BACK HOME and was free to mess with Ty Lee in whatever way she wanted but Ty Lee didn't seem to appreciate that OH WOW SHE CAN BE SMART SOMETIMES I GUESS I OWE TOPH A GOLD PIECE and Azula herself had unclear motivations considering the fact that she gave the exact same kind of attention to her older brother but then everyone always suspected there was a very odd relationship between the two but that just goes to show that whatever the nature of her interest in Ty Lee might have been Azula was never fully focused on her pink little friend and so one day Ty Lee was able to make a bid for freedom ALTHOUGH I THINK THE PLAN WAS FAR TOO COMPLEX AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT WAS OF HAVING ME GET AZULA DRUNK and ran off to the Earth Kingdom to join a circus because it was a gathering place for freaks and Ty Lee always insisted that being a freak was her goal in life because none of her sisters were freaks and she wanted to be different but then none of her sisters were men either and I never saw my dear friend either trying to grow facial hair or hitting on Katara so I think it's safe to conclude NOT THAT IT WAS VERY HARD that Ty Lee's thinking is more than a little flawed.

"Speaking of unsightly facial and hair and no taste in women WHICH IMPLIES ZUKO HAS EXELLENT TASTE IN WOMEN IF YOU READ FAR ENOUGH INTO THINGS another person who was living in the Earth Kingdom and dealing with family issues was the guy I think might make for a good boyfriend for Ty Lee NO NOT TOPH SHE ONLY LOOKS LIKE A BOY BUT EVERYONE INSISTS SHE'S A GIRL AND ANYWAY I DON'T THINK SHE AND TY LEE WOULD GET ALONG WELL ESPECIALLY WHEN SOKKA'S AROUND the Earthbender Haru. Haru has a reputation THAT HE PROBABLY PAID PEOPLE TO CIRCULATE as a very handsome young man who never the less was apparently so inexperienced at romance that he actually considered Katara to be a girl worth going for HOW TASTELESS I MEAN HER OFFICIAL FANCLUB INCLUDES A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BALDY AND A TERRORIST WHOSE ONLY OTHER OPTION WAS SMELLERBEE and couldn't even do very well with HER because despite his best attempts to learn how to take off Water Tribe clothing she ran away as soon as she got a good look at his father and saw how he might turn out in just a few years time SHE APPARANTLY LIKES YOUNGER MEN AND PREMATURE GRAYING IS DEFINATELY GOING TO KILL THAT LOOK she ran off as fast as she could to the other side of the world and even growing a mustache in what was probably supposed to be proof he was in possession of testosterone didn't work because by that point Katara had already gotten a firm mental picture of pale silver hair spilling down on his effeminately thin shoulders and she couldn't shoot him down fast enough.

"However that's rather convenient for me and Ty Lee because with Haru unattached he's free to show an interest AND I'M SURE HE'LL BE INTERESTED BECAUSE ALL THE BOYS ARE EXCEPT ZUKO AND MAYBE OZAI BUT WHO CAN SAY WHAT HE WAS THINKING in the pink acrobat. Haru apparently goes for the SWEET type if his rather pathetic regard for Katara is anything to go by and he also seems to be something of a Mama's boy NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT ALTHOUGH IT'S LIKELY THERE IS and even though Ty Lee looks like every mother's nightmare or at least almost as much of a nightmare as I look like she has what other people apparently consider to be a very charismatic personality and no doubt after a few conversations Haru's mother will be completely in love with the idea of having Ty Lee as a daughter-in-law and I can't imagine Haru is capable of standing up to his dear old AND SHE DOES SEEM RATHER OLD mum so he'd probably go along with the marriage even if he was having second thoughts. Also Haru's father seems to admire teenage girls who are tougher than him again judging by his approval of Katara and I'm sure he'd be quite impressed by the fact that Ty Lee is a non-bender NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE 162 KNIVES ON HAND TO BACK UP MY OPINION who can beat him into the ground with her bare hands and no fuss whatsoever.

"Ty Lee herself is a chronic flirt so just sticking her in a closed environment with Haru would lead to at least a short term crush and considering Ty Lee's not entirely condemning attitude towards Princess Azula's interest I think she would be especially likely to fall for a boy with rather girly NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND I HAPPEN TO HAVE SOMETHING APPROXIMATING AN HOURGLASS FIGURE ON HAND TO BACK UP MY OPINION looks and if Katara was willing to tolerate his temporary presence than he must be a rather nice boy who would never try ANYTHING without permission and three signed forms so she might finally enjoy a romance based on more than just interest in her own definitely hourglass figure. Haru is also an Earthbender who would probably want to stay in the Earth Kingdom within hailing distance of his parents WHICH IS A LITTLE ODD BUT HARDLY THE WORST QUIRK I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED but it just so happens that Ty Lee has always been happiest in that dirty backwards country and chose to live there twice once with the circus and again when she joined the Kyoshi Klowns so she'd likely have no problem settling down on whatever patch of dirt Haru erects their grimy homestead. And as a bonus it gets Ty Lee away from Sokka but it's not like I care that much it's just that I want to keep things civil with Suki so that no one will suspect me if we ever decide to settle things.

"I don't know why people look at me and assume I'm not capable of a little girly gossip every now and then."


	42. Joo Feng

**Mai on... Joo Feng!**

"Almost all of the romances found in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ have their disturbing points, the one that takes the concept to a whole new level is the speculated relationship between Dai Lee head Long Feng and his brainwashed Joo Dee girls.

"We don't know much about Long Feng WELL I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HIM BUT MAYBE IN BA SING SE HE'S A REGULAR FEATURE IN THEIR TABLOIDS BUT HOPEFULLY NOT IN THE SAME KIND OF STORIES ADMIRAL ZHAO IS OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH except that he was apparently some kind of peasant I'M REALLY CURIOUS HOW AZULA COULD TELL THAT JUST BY LOOKING AT HIS EYES MAYBE SHE BOUGHT SOME OF THE TABLOIDS who through hard work and long hours GET IT AW COME ON THAT WAS A GOOD ONE managed to turn himself into the most powerful man in the whole Earth Kingdom and while you'd thank that position would have gone to their King we're talking about a savage little backwater THAT COVERS MOST OF THE PLANET where everything is done backwards just to make life more difficult or rocklike or something. Whether Long Feng was ever actually a low ranking Dai Lee agent who brown-nosed his way behind the big desk or just a career minister who got appointed as the organization's boss in return for some kind of political favor involving a dead hooker OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM 'KYOSHI WARRIORS' is completely unknown because one of the man's more sensible policies was to ban even the merest mention of things he didn't like LIKE LEMURS AND CLOWNS AND WARS WITH THE FIRE NATION AND THOSE LITTLE SEEDS THAT THEY PUT ON CRACKERS AND SOME CHICKEN RECIPIES THAT GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH under penalty of having all knowledge of such things ripped out of the perpetrator's mind via brainwashing OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT TY LEE-IFICATION OH YEAH I'M ON A ROLE AND FEELING VERY SILLY.

"Predictably enough such a tyrant THOUGH HE WAS KIND OF BALD FOR A TYRANT OR IS THAT JUST THE STYLE THERE was a bit put out when he heard the Avatar would be coming to his city because the kid had a tendency to wreck the plans of people who tried to make him sit still I GAVE UP TRYING TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN AFTER I LOST MY NEW SET OF KNIVES IN MY LAST ATTEMPT and in one of the smarter plays I've heard described in Aang's adventures Long Feng was reluctant to start a fight with a kid who beats up volcanoes for fun WE DON'T EVEN DO THAT WITH DRAGONS ANYMORE ALTHOUGH COME TO THINK OF IT I COULD PROBABLY TAKE ONE OUT WITH A GOOD KNIFE TO AN EYE and so first attempted to manipulate the boy into a hopeless battle against the world's largest bureaucracy BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT ONE IS BECAUSE HERE IN THE FIRE NATION DELIBERATELY WASTING A NOBLE'S TIME IS GROUNDS FOR AN AGNI KAI and do that end he deployed one of his pet Joo Dee's to waylay the Avatar's group with talk of paperwork and processing delays.

"Now if you thought Long Feng's past was a long way AW COME ON IF SOKKA MADE IT WORK I CAN DO IT TOO EVENTUALLY from being comprehensible than Joo Dee's is a complete and utter quagmire without even the benefit of a giant know-it-all tree in the center to tell you answers if you're special. First of all calling her Joo Dee is a bit misleading KIND OF LIKE ALL MY RAMBLES because there are actually hundreds or maybe eleven women living in Ba Sing Se who all dress in the same yellow UGH robes with the same very odd IS THAT A STICK OR A BOW green hair ornaments who all insist that their names are 'Joo Dee' and there is no one else in the city with the same name and horrible fashion sense to be confused with which is just plain confusing if you're not in the know OR COMPLETELY APATHETIC LIKE ME. Apparently in one of the most aggressive Public Outreach programs EVER the Dai Lee at one point began signing up young women to become Long Feng's brainwashed minions and while some people like to imagine that the Joo Dee's might have been kidnapped from their former lives the truth TO ANYONE CAPABLE OF LEARNING ANYTHING is that most of the people in the city's lower ring are so poor they would have signed up to invade the Fire Nation's capital with nothing but a canoe and a club if it promised a copper a day in recompense.

"Regardless the Joo Dee's have no memory of their former lives and live to take orders from Long Feng Silver while smiling with all the gusto of a Water Tribe Warrior chewing on jerky. The Joo Dee who Long Feng sent to waylay the Avatar didn't do a good job of it in that as soon as her back was turned the whole group decided to sneak and go clubbing I HOPE KATARA WAS KEEPING AN EYE ON HER DRINK IN CASE THE KIDNAPPING STORIES WERE TRUE AND I MEAN THAT SARCASTICALLY and in the process nearly caused a huge scandal when they bumped into the Earth King who Long Feng didn't want anyone to know was leading a wild private life after hours and for her failure that Joo Dee was sent back to the Dai Lee's headquarters for a 'vacation' WHICH AS SINISTER AS IT SOUNDS DOESN'T SEEM TO BE AS BAD AS FIRE LORD OZAI'S 'VACATIONS' IN THAT SHE WAS BACK AT WORK A FEW WEEKS LATER AND NOT THREE YEARS. What that 'vacation' consisted of and what else Long Feng might use a completely submissive and mindless girl for are both completely unknown BUT TY LEE MIGHT BE ABLE TO SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE LATTER ALTHOUGH AZULA IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM LONG FENG and since no one has heard anything AT LEAST I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING BUT THEN AGAIN I ONLY READ FIRE NATION TABLOIDS about neither Long Feng nor any of his Joo Dee's never mind the one who got the all-expenses-paid vacation it's entirely possible that they retired somewhere together and are living happily in newfound marital bliss now that the war with the Fire Nation is over and the Earth King has been informed that he owns a Kingdom. Or they just fell in a ditch and died.

"When it comes to love, not everyone is willing to play the long odds. Okay, maybe I can't make it work."


	43. Zhaozula

**Mai on... Zhaozula!**

"As I've previously established, one of the ways I satisfy my frequent misanthropic urges, especially since I'm not allowed to throw knives at Katara anymore, is to dabble in some amateur matchmaking. It's too late now, but if both parties were alive and available, I'd be trying to induce a little romantic spark between Admiral Zhao and Fire Princess Azula.

"I know Princess Azula very well OR AT LEAST I USED TO FOR ALL I KNOW SHE MAY HAVE DEVELOPED MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER IN THAT PADDED ROOM OF HERS because we grew up together and as such I was witness to most of the tragedies and psychological twists that turned her from your typical natural-born sociopath WE CERTAINLY HAD ENOUGH OF THEM IN THE FIRE NATION into an anti-life machine dedicated to plunging the entire world into fiery torment and sporting a resume to prove she might actually be capable of doing it on a good day with the right breakfast I LIKE APPLES WITH MY HOT FLAKES TO MAKE IT LOOK HEALTHY. However when it comes to Admiral Zhao I'm much less informed I mean I don't even know if 'Zhao' is his first name or his last name but then I've always found names to be really hard things to grasp what with their fancy correct spelling and correct pronunciations and supposedly nobles have more than one but the only person in my family who does is my little brother and for some reason Ty Lee also has two names and like Tom-Tom we have to say both together all the time otherwise she sounds like a length of rope or one of Zuko's old aliases AND NO NOT THE BLUE ONE THE OTHER ONE and that little Toph thing has THREE and I just have no idea what's going on with that.

"For all I'm aware of Zhao could have been born a peasant who worked his way into the Fire Lord's good graces by SPINNING ON A POLE IN JUST A PAIR OF SHORTS NO DON'T IMAGINE THAT BAD MAI BAD rising through the military ranks through displays of actual competence or else some timely bribes AND A LITTLE SPINNING ON A POLE or maybe he was a high-born type who really liked killing things and was elated to learn that the Fire Nation was actually paying people to do that at the moment. Regardless we know that he was quite an ambitious soul who would settle for nothing less than showing up every other combatant for the Fire Nation and going down in history as an undefeatable legend who served the best fried fish in all of history. Of course everyone's first thought upon hearing that is that he's trying to overcompensate in some way for some thing but really I think he just liked fish a lot in the same way I really like knives a lot AND NO I DON'T INVOLVE THEM IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ZUKO UNLESS HE'S BEEN BAAAD I mean even when he was serving in the desert he spent all of his time reading about fish recipes and he eventually transferred over to the part of the Fire Nation Fighty People Group I CAN NEVER KEEP TRACK IF WE HAVE SEPERATE MILITARY AND NAVY OR JUST MUSH THEM TOGETHER that sailed boats on the water where fish tend to live so in this instance at least we can probably go easy on him.

"I don't know if Zhao was married or not but I think that itself speaks volumes about his romantic status because if he had married it would have been solely for the purposes of political gain and any girl with more social presence than him would have been more involved in his career GEE I WONDER WHY THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR OH HI MOM DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE GO AWAY NOW so I think we can safely conclude that by the time he opened his first fish-fry stand he was still romantically available and at that point would probably be considered quite the catch OOH I THINK THAT WAS A PUN if you don't mind monkey hair. To that end I'm sure Zhao would be ecstatic over the idea of marrying the Fire Lord's daughter because she was AT LEAST AT THE HEIGHT OF HER POWER WHICH WAS A PRETTY SWEET TIME BECAUSE SHE COULD GET WARM SNACKS DELIVERED ALL THE WAY TO THE FRONTLINES IN THE EARTH KINGDOM the world's most influential girl since Avatar Kyoshi decided to start her own nation slash cult slash hit squad MY KNIVES GO SLASH SLASH SLASH TOO THAT'S WHY I LIKE THEM and by marrying Azula there was actually a chance he could be come Fire Lord himself and if that happened he could have fish every night and re-task the military-navy thing to scour the Earth for the freshest catches and best recipes.

"Azula for her part was already romantically overbooked by the time she was fourteen WHAT A TRAMP I WAS FIFTEEN BEFORE I EVEN GRABBED MY FIRST GUY BUTT between Ty Lee and the Avatar and her brother and a little bit of Sokka and Ty Lee and so I doubt she would have had any time for Zhao if he expressed an interest in her or the promotion opportunities she represented. However by the time Zuko moved out to attend Avatar University HE WANTED TO MAJOR IN 'GOOD' BUT HIS DAD INSISTED THAT A DEGREE IN 'EVIL' WAS A MUCH BETTER CHOICE FOR HIS CAREER PROSPECTS Azula's romantic plots had collapsed into a pile of smoking wreckage so had Zhao managed to survive up to that point she might have been open to a more stable relationship with a man who knew what he wanted and those wants had nothing to do with her being a female but then again Azula liked to make herself look more mature with her makeup so perhaps she aged herself enough that Zhao might have enjoyed the view AND REALLY I CAN'T SAY I APPROVE OF THAT KIND OF MAKEUP USE BUT I GUESS AZULA FELT SHE HAD TO COMPENSATE FOR MY EXTRA YEAR AND TY LEE'S EXTRA CURVING and found a way to develop affection for his political wife if not love. Azula would have doubtless been thrilled to discover Zhao was just as much of a psycho killer as herself and they shared an affection for torturing Zuko and roasting animals ZHAO OF COURSE COOKED FISH BUT AZULA DIDN'T LIMIT HERSELF so if any two people in this crazy world have a chance of making it work I think it might have been the Princess and the Arrogant Admiral.

"People may wonder why I consider Azula and Zhao more likely than Zuko and myself. Those people have never been dumped via a note with six grammar errors in it."


	44. On Jaang

**Mai on... On Jaang!**

"It's not as if one-sided crushes are rare in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_, but for some reason, I find myself strangely interested in the unrequited love held by the young Fire Nation student On Ji for the visiting Avatar Aang.

"To refresh everyone's memory BECAUSE I SURE LOST TRACK OF THAT NOBODY OF A CHARACTER AND IT EVEN TOOK MULTIPLE INTERVIEWS WITH AANG AND FRIENDS FOR ME TO DETERMINE IF ON JI WAS THE FORWARD GIRL WITH THE PONYTAIL OR THE UGLY ONE WITH THE PIGTAILS AND HORRIBLE TEETH way back when the Avatar was first infiltrating the Fire Nation WHY HE WENT TO SO MUCH WORK I DON'T KNOW MOST OF OUR BORDER ENTRANCES DON'T EVEN ASK FOR PASSPORTS he and his friends used their awesome and holy powers to knock over a quarter-machine Laundromat and stole some clothes AND LOTS OF CHEAP SOAP that they used to disguise themselves as your every day Fire Nation citizens HOW THEY EXPLAINED THOSE DISCONCERTING EYE COLORS OF THEIRS I HAVE NO IDEA MAYBE A LOT OF PEASANTS ARE COLOR BLIND and Avatar Aang just so happened to steal a full uniform for the local Academy for Stupid and Unprivileged Youngsters Who Will Never Accomplish Anything in Their Lives So Why They Bother No One Knows But Hey As Long As They Are Here Let's Feed Them Propaganda. Young Aang was noticed by the town's Home Guard and taken to the Academy as a truant BEST DESCRIPTION OF HIM I'VE EVER HEARD WE SHOULD PUT IT ON HIS TOMBSTONE NEXT TO THE SYMBOL FOR THE AIR NOMADS HEE HEE and forced to attend classes where he wound up sitting next to the bright-eyed On Ji who found something inexplicably sexy about gray eyes and a bald head OH WAIT HE HAD GROWN HIS HAIR BY THEN HADN'T HE OKAY I GUESS SHE JUST FOUND HEAD LICE SEXY.

"On Ji is a little hard to discuss because as a peasant in one of the more outlying islands HERE IN THE CAPITAL WE CALL THEM THE 'OUT-LIARS' BECAUSE THEY CLAIM THEY'RE JUST AS GOOD AS THE HOME ISLAND there's next to no record of her life beyond the fact that she was right around Aang's age and attended school but thanks to some gossip and a few advertisements on the town's central notice boards I found out that her parents were desperately trying to marry her off to a family with some money and class but were having a really hard time of it IT'S KIND OF AWKWARD FOR ME TO JUDGE BECAUSE MY PARENTS HAD TROUBLE ARRANGING SOMETHING FOR ME TOO BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE I THREW KNIVES AT ANY BOYS WHO WEREN'T ZUKO and thanks to some of the more academic treatises inscribed on the walls in the academy's Restroom for Young Ladies I found out that anyone in standing need of a 'good time' would likely find success and relief by calling On Ji although they were heavily lacking in citations. On Ji herself was claimed as the girlfriend of a boy described as a mean Firebending named Hide LET ME GUESS HIS BEST FRIEND WENT BY THE NICKNAME 'EXPLODE' AND THEY HAD A SILLY LITTLE REFERENCE GOING TO THE GAME HIDE'N'EXPLODE and while the girl never contradicted him there was little witness testimony of them acting like a couple so either Hide is exaggerating and setting his sights rather low or most of the relationship occurred in back rooms hidden from prying eyes.

"We can be quite sure however that On Ji fell in love at first sight with the Avatar HEY WHAT A COINCIDENCE HE OBSESSED ON HIS WATER TRIBE CRUSH AFTER JUST ONE LOOK TOO and immediately began feeding him answers to all the propaganda-esque questions that he couldn't be expected to know the answers to and to cover this up he claimed to be from the conquered Earth Kingdom colonies but honestly I didn't know we were letting those mongrels immigrate back to the Fire Nation and that really shows how low class On Ji was if she wanted to snuggle up against one of those so-called Mud Bugs KATARA TAUGHT ME THAT ONE AND I HAVE TO SAY IT'S THE FIRST THING SHE'S SAID THAT I REALLY LIKE. On Ji would go on to ambush the Avatar after school every day YEAH HE KEPT COMING BACK FOR SOME REASON HE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE NORMAL BUT REALLY I THINK HE WAS INTERESTED IN ONE OF ON JI'S PATENTED 'GOOD TIMES' and inquire about whatever eccentricity he revealed in class that day but in doing so she also called Hide's BUT NOT EXPLODE FOR SOME REASON attention down on the unwitting homewrecker which caused all kinds of fun I'M LYING school-time shenanigans. Things culminated in the Avatar's secret dance party which he claimed was to de-program all the kids from the school anti-dancing propaganda AND I REALLY WANT TO KNOW AT WHAT POINT THAT GOT ADDED TO THE CIRRICULUM BECAUSE I NEVER HEARD OF IT BEFORE AND THERE WERE NO ANTI-DANCING LAWS WHEN I WAS GROWING UP AND AZULA CLAIMS SHE CAUGHT HER MOTHER AND FATHER DANCING ONCE BUT SHE DESCRIBED HER PARENTS AS BEING RATHER FLUSTERED WHEN CAUGHT SO MAYBE IT WAS ACTUALLY ILLEGAL but he more likely intended it as a chance to pick up some chicks after spending several weeks on a ship with a bunch of Water Tribe Warrior Men. On Ji was very much hoping she was in fact the target of the whole operation and was blushing and making googly eyes at Aang the whole time but while he did dance once with her as part of a demonstration he quickly enough called over Katara for some much dirtier dancing.

"I don't think it out of the question that the Avatar was using the whole school'n'dancing'n'On Ji thing as a ploy to make Katara jealous because he had spent all of his free time since arriving in the Fire Nation breaking out into sweats while staring at the Water Whirler's newly exposed midriff HONESTLY IT'S NOTHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT BUT I GUESS IN THE OTHER NATIONS A GIRL'S BELLY BUTTON IS A FORBIDDEN SIGHT OR SOMETHING ALTHOUGH KATARA CERTAINLY SPENT ENOUGH TIME TRAIPSING ABOUT IN HER UNDERWEAR and his one dance with On Ji was almost certainly designed to simultaneously raise Katara's territorial instincts and loosen himself up for the upcoming acrobatic display because right after Aang and Katara did their little tango they ran out on the party and left the whole group to be arrested and beaten by the authorities who Hide had brought over and little On Ji was likely dumped by her supposed boyfriend for her indiscretions and expelled from school and I predict she'll wind up a sad spinster who spends all her time and money collecting vintage Wanted posters of the Avatar. At the same time OOH LOOK I'M MULTITASKING I can't help but feel an odd interest in a girl whose boyfriend is a jerky Firebender who likes picking on twelve-year-olds and acting all possessive and jealous especially when an exotically good-looking new guy from the savage lands shows up who despite his charm isn't taken by the morose girl and it's not like she's really that interested but a little attention would do wonders for her self-esteem and just because she likes knives doesn't mean she lacks feelings and YES I'm sure On Ji likes knives she just seems the type to me and I'm an expert. It's probably just because I find other people's pain to be funny.

"Going to an elite, all-girls academy, I missed out this kind of drama. I can't say I regret that, because my own dramas would have definitely been overshadowed by Ty Lee's antics."


	45. Tomai

**Mai on... Tomai!**

"Judging by the various reactions I've witnessed, my little brother Tom-Tom is one of the most endearing and fascinating characters in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_. By virtue of sharing blood, I seem to have leeched a small amount of interest from his cult.

"Unlike the other sibling pairs I know Tom-Tom and I are neither close in age nor close emotionally and that probably isn't a coincidence because Sokka and Katara are the closest brother and sister I know and they're only a year apart in age so I doubt Sokka can even remember a time without his annoying little sister UNLESS HE'S EVEN SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT BUT THEN AGAIN THIS IS THE GUY WHO THINKS SUKI IS PRETTY AND IS TURNED ON BY CLOWN FACEPAINT and so the two Water Tribe savages are probably more like twins than older brother and younger sister and maybe that's why Sokka has no interest whatsoever in who Katara wants to make time with ROMANTICALLY because he definitely doesn't conform to the anti-romance brother stereotype I often encounter in my reading I NEED TO FIND SOME NEW MATERIAL I HEAR PRATCHETT IS MIGHT BE TO MY TASTES but perhaps that stereotype is a complete fiction considering Zuko didn't go for that type of thing either. Zuko and Azula are the other sibling pair I'm unfortunately familiar with and here we have a better example because there's a whole three years between the two ZUKO REFERS TO THAT ERA AS THE GOLDEN AGE AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO TAKE THAT BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I WAS HANGING AROUND IN THOSE DAYS EITHER SO WHEN HE SAYS IT I JUST GIVE HIM A SHALLOW STAB AND LET IT GO and I don't think I need to go over the various ways those two didn't get along WHAT'S A LITTLE MURDER BETWEEN FAMILY ANYWAY but that kind of animosity at least shows that they cared about each other IN A SICK AND TWISTED WAY SURE BUT SICK AND TWISTED IS HOW WE DO THINGS IN THE FIRE NATION and there were even instances where they seemed to at least acknowledge their family bond in that Azula tried to turn Zuko into the prince he always wanted to be OOH PRETTY ZUKO BUTTERFLY after he helped her cook Avatar flambé and Zuko at least talked of Azula's would-be deaths in a quiet and vulnerable HE DOES THOSE SO WELL DOESN'T HE IT'S ACTUALLY CUTE tone and actually didn't kill her when he finally had her at his mercy.

"Tom-Tom and I are a little different in that we don't much care about each other at all because he was just a baby for most of our relationship and thus he didn't have much interest in anyone who wasn't going to feed him or change him and I tried to avoid doing either whenever possible because I have a weak stomach when it comes to squishy gross things and Tom-Tom had stuff with that consistency coming out of both ends DIFFERENT COLORS THOUGH of his digestive tract and my parents were all too happy to support my decision because I wear knives the way Toph wears dirt and even if I agreed to completely disarm before touching my brother I'm only human THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN SO DEPRESSED MOST OF MY LIFE and there's always the chance that I'd forget a blade or dart shooter or two and oops I think the baby's bleeding ZUKO'S BEEN BURNED BY THAT MORE THAN ONCE I REALLY HAVE TO STOP FORGETTING THOSE WRIST LAUNCHERS.

"Besides I've never seen tiny cute things as anything more than extra appealing target practice so it wasn't until Tom-Tom began walking around and sticking things in his mouth under his own power that he even drew my eye at all but of course I'm not nearly as evil as I like to pretend to be IF ONE WORD OF THIS GETS OUT I SWEAR THERE WILL BE ENOUGH BLOOD TO RUIN EVEN MY DARKEST BLACK OUTFIT so I refrained from throwing sharp things at the tiny human being called Tom-Tom and contented myself with closing the door to my room so that the little wanderer couldn't get into my weapons or clothes or important papers YOU KNOW THE USUAL TEENAGE GIRL STUFF LIKE FIRE NATION PROPOGANDA AND SOME WANTED POSTERS FROM MY UNCLE AND LETTERS FROM THE CROWN PRINCESS AND ILLEGIBLE LETTERS COVERED IN DRAWINGS OF BUTTERFLIES FROM A TRAVELING CIRCUS AND A FEW SECRET LURID POEMS ABOUT ZUKO AND LOTS BOOKS WITH STORIES I HATED BUT AT LEAST THEY HELPED TO PASS THE TIME WHEN I WASN'T STABBING PEOPLE YOU KNOW ALL THE USUAL and mainly staying out of his young life and the few times we crossed paths he smiled a lot even at me and I'm sappy enough that I won't stab anything giving me a genuine grin.

"One fairly notable exception to that avoidance policy was when the Avatar came to Omashu HE DIDN'T MUCH WANT TO BE THERE AND I CERTAINLY DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE BUT AS IROH SAYS DESTINY IS A FUNNY THING AND REALLY THAT'S LIKELY THE ONLY SMART THING HE'S EVERY SAID BESIDES 'AZULA IS CRAZY AND NEEDS TO BE SMACKED UPSIDE HER HEAD' and somehow HE'S NEVER BEEN VERY CLEAR ON IT WHEN I ASKED wound up accidentally kidnapping Tom-Tom from our home even though he couldn't have gotten anywhere near our home without the guards at least seeing him and while Tom-Tom can be quite the climber when he wants I can't fathom how he could have wound up outside the city and it's probably better for my sanity if it stays that way. A deal was struck to exchange a political prisoner for Tom-Tom and everything was going just fine OF COURSE IT WAS AZULA PUT ME IN CHARGE until Azula decided to take charge herself SHE'S ALWAYS HAD AN ERRATIC MIND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT and she decided to call off the deal and just kill the Avatar and his friends and I get a lot of grief for it but really that was okay with me because fights are interesting and lots of fun when I win and I was reasonably confident that I wasn't going to hit Tom-Tom with my knives and Ty Lee just punches people so there's no trouble there and Azula left early so the fire was all gone and if things had gone to plan the Avatar's Water Tribe friends OH NO SOKKA would have wound up dead in short order with knives where their eyes should be and Tom-Tom would have been recovered more or less unharmed. The Water Tribe siblings had other plans though and called their Bison WHICH WAS REALLY UNFAIR OF THEM to toss me and Ty Lee away and they absconded with my brother IF YOU LIKE HIM SO MUCH GO AHEAD AND KEEP HIM and then afterward Azula told me we were going after Zuko so I can hardly be blamed that I didn't remember Tom-Tom was still missing until I got that letter from Mum a few days later. Anyway she said Tom-Tom was returned unharmed NO THANKS TO ME that night so what's the problem? It all worked out. My life is neat that way.

"One might wonder what my parents thought of this AT LEAST ANYONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW MY PARENTS but actually they were very supportive except for that one kidnapping incident because they never liked me or my lifestyle much 'WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE TY LEE'S SISTERS OH BUT NOT THAT DREADFUL ACROBAT HERSELF WHERE DID YOU FIND HER ANYWAY' but I can't really blame them since I took their advice to be a quiet young lady too far and made myself into a taciturn critic who hates all life except for knives and dresses in a beautifully elegant way reminiscent of a soulless worshipper of death YEAH I'M REALLY GOOD AT TAKING THINGS JUST FAR ENOUGH TO ANNOY BUT NOT TO CAUSE REAL TROUBLE and so my parents would like me to have as little influence on my sibling as possible so that they can turn him into a proper young noble who will be a complimentary component I GUESS THAT MAKES ME OUTRIGHT INSULTING HUH YES I'M NOT TOO BITTER TO MAKE WITH THE PUNS to our LESS THAN perfect family and I have such horrible memories of the whole process that I'm content to just not be involved and stay away from the whole process for as long as it lasts. I will grant OOH LOOK I'M A PART TIME GENIE I READ ABOUT THEM IN A BOOK OF SANDBENDER LEGENDS that if an older Tom-Tom comes to me looking for a little relief from my parents' machinations I'll be willing to help him out and slash or cover something up or otherwise undermine the evil ones and help out my baby brother in the process.

"My own romantic prospects are locked in FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE USUALLY FOR THE BETTER SO LONG AS ZUKO DOES WHAT I SAY so I don't have to worry about my little brother ever making any trouble for me in that regard but going in the other direction as the scary older sister with the Fire Lord wrapped around whichever finger takes my fancy at any given moment I can possibly create all kinds of difficulty for Tom-Tom as he chases love or at least a little skirt. One of the possibilities I sometimes hear tossed around is a baby girl a little younger than my brother name Hope who is a refugee in the Earth Kingdom and hopefully Tom-Tom has better taste than that because honestly such a girl sounds really dirty like Toph OKAY MAYBE NOT THAT DIRTY BUT PRETTY CLOSE and more than a little like a hippy of some kind and while I don't plan on spending a lot of time with my brother and by extension his paramour I'll be dead before I'll be even legally related to a hippy. A much more likely romantic fate for Tom-Tom is some generic Fire Nation heiress especially if my parents have any say and while that would be acceptable to me IT'S NOT LIKE IT WILL AFFECT ME AT ALL I MEAN ANY GIRL IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULDN'T MESS WITH ME TWICE and Tom-Tom's happiness is probably paramount I think anyone sane or at least related to me would want someone a little more interesting even if that means picking someone strange and maybe foreign and maybe a little bit smelly and as long as Tom-Tom doesn't go for a Kyoshi girl I think I can manage to be supportive OR AT LEAST APATHETIC of whatever his choice is.

"I guess things could have been worse. I could have wound up with a little sister, and then I'd have to worry about her growing up to be another me. Tom-Tom is much more tolerable than that."


	46. Jetaru

**Mai on... Jetaru!**

"I've never made a secret out of my disdain for most of the people I happen to share a world with, but I have a special place in the void where my heart should be for Katara's two failed romantic interests, Haru the Earthbender and Jet the Freedom Fighter.

"I mean when you think about the two have a lot in common the most obvious being that for some reason both found Katara very attractive POINT ONE AGAINST THEM IN MY OPINION and made rather pathetic attempts to win her affection and a spot next to her on the Avatar's Bison although how they thought that was going to work out what with the Avatar also finding Katara really attractive and him actually owning the Bison I don't know but it certainly does highlight a common stupidity. Haru encountered Katara first when she stumbled across him pouting over his daddy being in jail WHAT A LOSER MY FAVORITE UNCLE IS IN A JAIL BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME GETTING UPSET AND NO I DON'T THINK THE FACT THAT MY UNCLE RUNS THE JAIL IS A MITIGATING FACTOR IT'S STILL A HARD LIFE IN THERE and she became obsessed with getting him to MAN UP and do something to improve his life and when he screwed that up and got himself arrested too Katara had to show him how it's done and go to the jail herself and blow the whole place up with the unfiltered power of hope YOU SHOULD REALLY USE A FILTER THOUGH BECAUSE TOO MUCH HOPE CAN GIVE YOU CANCER and afterwards he was so impressed he asked Katara to move in with him but she declined because he was too much work and if she was going to have to be that mothering to someone the Avatar was probably a better long term investment. Of course she forgot about that later when Jet literally stumbled chest-first into her face HEY WHAT A COINCIDENCE TY LEE FAVORS A THE SAME PORTION OF HER ANATOMY TO STUMBLE AGAINST THE GUYS SHE LIKES BUT I JUST RELFEXIVELY STICK ONE OF MY BLADES FORWARD AND THAT'S HOW I ACCIDENTALLY STABBED MY DAD THAT ONE TIME HONEST and Katara discovered the appeal of the teenage rebel archetype specifically Jet being old enough and mature enough that Katara didn't need to tell him how to run his own life but then she discovered the downside of the teenage rebel archetype when he revealed that his day job was TERRORIST and that he lived his life with a minimum of hope and an excess of unjustified murder and we all know Katara takes her hope straight up OOH THAT'S AN ALCHOHOL REFERENCE I WONDER HOW MANY VICES I CAN COMPARE HOPE TO BEFORE I FINISH THIS so she froze him to a tree SEE THERE'S NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT IT GIVE ZUKO A BREAK ALREADY and left him to stew in his soggy underwear.

"After their respective encounters with Katara both boys apparently decided to change their lives with a turn towards a more mainstream position although in my opinion it would have been better if they both decided to get revenge on Katara by joining up with the Fire Nation and helping us kill the Avatar but in the end not killing the Avatar worked out well for me so at least this way there were less loose ends to tie up on our side AND WE CERTAINLY HAD ENOUGH WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO. You see Haru became more like Jet in that he moved out of his mommy's house and began taking the fight to the Fire Nation GEE I WONDER WHY I'M NOT AT ALL WORRIED but he did so with HOPE in his soul and so was never implicated in any civilian massacres while Jet gave up the whole terrorist thing and moved to Ba Sing Se likely to move back in with his mommy but before that could happen Jet encountered my boyfriend WHO ALSO HAS AN EXCESS OF ISSUES CENTERING ON HIS MOMMY WHY COULDN'T WE ALL JUST BE AIR NOMADS Zuko and Jet was so desperate to make up for his past deeds and do his part for the Earth Kingdom that he attacked Zuko AND LOST REALLY BAD GO ZUKO GO and got arrested and Katara had to help him break free by blessing him with the unfiltered power of hope and HEY THIS SOUNDS REALLY FAMILIAR. Of course Jet and Haru had two different endings to their stories in that Jet died and Haru spent the rest of his days lurking in the bushes outside Ty Lee's new house hoping she would notice him OR AT LEAST CHANGE IN FRONT OF AN OPEN WINDOW.

"Come to think of it Jet and Haru had such a mirrored life progression going on together that it wouldn't be out of line to wonder if they would have worked as a romantic couple HEY IF YOU FREAKS DO IT FOR AANG AND ZUKO IT'S ONLY FAIR YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ACCUSED OF HAVING A DOUBLE STANDARD UNLESS IT COMES TO TAKING AWAY MY OWN HAPPINESS providing of course that they encountered each other at some point. Haru started off as a wimpy boy in need of guidance but packing a lot of power with his Earthbending and when Jet was a Freedom Fighter IT'S INTERESTING TO NOTE THAT WHILE HISTORY AND ALL THE DENIZENS OF THE EARTH KINGDOM REFER TO THE GROUP BY THAT NAME ALL THE FIRE NATION RECORDS CALL THEM THE 'CANABALISTIC WAR CRIMINALS' WHICH I ADMIT ISN'T AS CATCHY he would have been more than happy to take Haru in as a new soldier who could be toughened up and twisted into a psychopathic terrorist and while they were spending so much time together Haru would have developed strange feelings for the guy giving him hope and teaching him how to take control of his life and Jet might have noticed how pretty Haru was with his girly face and hair STAND HIM NEXT TO SMELLERBEE IF YOU REALLY WANT ALL YOUR CONCEPTIONS ABOUT GENDER WARPED and developed deviant concern for the guy giving him hope and helping him to raise his war against the Fire Nation to new levels of effectiveness with the power of Bending and before they know it they would have something very hopeful going on between them in the trees there NO THAT WASN'T A COMPARISON TO A VICE THERE LEAVE POLITICS OUT OF THIS.

"Sadly though Katara kind of ruined all that by sending Haru off to war and later locking him in one of the back rooms of the Western Air Temple HE WAS INTERFERING WITH HER 'CONFUSED AIRBENDER' TIME for the duration of the activities and of course we all know how great things worked out for Jet thanks to her TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T STAY IN THE HEALING HUTS LIKE YOUR WATERBENDING MASTER WANTED YOU TO EH YOU LITTLE INGRATE so their torrid and fairly stupid romance was not meant to be but it's just as well because the two of them together might have been enough to make Katara forget about her little bald crush and if she left her little group to hang out with the pretty Earth Kingdom rebels then she wouldn't have been around to continuously make her brother Sokka's life miserable by accusing him of not loving their mother and she wouldn't have been at the Agni Kai where she distracted Zuko from beating his sister which nearly killed him and HEY WAIT A SECOND okay it's official I now 'ship' Haru and Jet together because it keeps all the losers I despise the most out of the way and unable to cause trouble for anyone interesting.

"It's always fascinating to look at what might have been if hopes had come true and the romantic dice had rolled differently. And by fascinating, I mean it makes me want to stab something."


	47. Xin Yu

**Mai on... Xin Yu!**

"The world of _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ has a lot of a lot of things. One of the many things it has in such suspicious abundance are comedic buddy pairings that can be quite painful for the participants. The second most 'fun,' after myself and Ty Lee, is the dysfunctional partnership between the Earthbending Teach Master Yu and the professional Earthbending wrestler Xin Fu.

"Xin Fu and Master Yu HEY THAT RHYMES AND IT WOULD MAKE A REALLY KILLER NAME FOR A BAND COME ON SAY IT WITH ME XIN FU AND THE MASTER YU'S YEAH THAT'S GOOD come from very different walks of life but a common guiding principle that makes their fate all the more delicious. You see Master Yu was a prominent Earthbending teacher in the province of Gaoling who made a living running a dojo for young Earthbenders and giving private lessons to people rich enough to inspire him to get out and about once in a while and he apparently had a good reputation because he was selected by Lao Bei Fong BUT THEN AGAIN MAYBE HIS WIFE POPPY WAS THE ONE WHO SELECTED YU I HEAR SHE GOT OUT AND ABOUT QUITE A BIT HERSELF to teach his daughter Toph Earthbending but at the same time not to teach her Earthbending. By that I mean Master Yu was prohibited from teaching Toph anything but the basics and while normally I would be happy about that because the little vagrant could stand to be taken down a peg or two and she really prides herself on her Earthbending I nevertheless consider it very irresponsible for a master not to push his student to the best of her abilities because if my teachers had just looked at me and seen a weak and pale little wisp of a thing with no drive or passion then I never would have progressed to my current AWESOME IF I MAY SAY SO MYSELF level of being able to kill anyone with anything I can throw and I don't care what Big Daddy Lao wanted if Toph was taught to Earthbend properly than she'd be safer and tougher and less likely to be kidnapped or mugged or pushed around by the turtleducks. As for Master Yu's regular practice at the Dojo I can't help but raise an eyebrow A VERY GLOSSY AND WELL-TENDED EYEBROW at his method of advertising which was to employ a scruffy-looking man to hang out in the town square and hand out flyers to prospective students and the man had a sleazy way about him by running up to preteens and putting his arm around them and asking suggestively if they like 'throwing rocks' and even if we ignore that Yu made money selling uniforms to all students both prospective and permanent and also considering two of his tallest students were whipped WELL FROZEN IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL into submission by that amateur Water Whipper Katara it doesn't seem like Yu's teachings were particularly effective especially when you consider that Katara took lessons for about two weeks and those two losers were probably going to Yu for years.

"Of course when it comes to being completely ineffective it's hard to beat Xin Fu at a game he practically wrote the rules for. He seems like a decent fighter EVEN THOUGH HE WAS BEATEN BY A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL BUT THEN AGAIN THAT GIRL BEAT UP PRETTY MUCH EVEYONE SHE FOUGHT EXCEPT FOR ME AND TY LEE SO I GUESS IT'S NOT SO BAD EXCEPT TO ME but instead of capitalizing off that UNLESS HE TRIED BEFORE AND COULDN'T CUT IT I ADMIT I DIDN'T DO MUCH RESEARCH INTO THE LOSER he took all of his time and capital assets and created a Professional Earthbending League and if you think that doesn't sound so bad THEN YOU'RE A MORON keep in mind we're talking about the kind of 'professional' that means the outcomes are scripted and the fighting is fake and the 'professionals' themselves are performers with no acting skills whose works consist of dressing up in a costume and slinging unimaginative insults and inelegant rocks at their accommodating opponents in exchange for a few pennies and the adulation of a rowdy lower-income crowd. If Master Yu was a lousy teacher then at least he was teaching basic Earthbending while Xin Fu was nothing more than a Ringmaster who exploited draft dodgers and little girls OKAY MAYBE JUST ONE LITTLE GIRL BUT A FAILED WRESTLING CAREER WOULD EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO MENG'S FACE OOH THAT WAS GOOD. I can't even say he has any honor NOT THAT IT'S A BIG DEAL TO ME BUT IT'S A WORD I'VE BECOME FAMILIAR WITH TO A HEADACHE-INDUCING LEVEL because he tried to sell out the Avatar to the Fire Nation for money OH HE'S LUCKY AZULA DIDN'T GET HIS MESSAGE SHE PAYS PEOPLE IN FIRE NATION CURRENCY AND BY THAT I MEAN ACTUAL FIRE firmly placing him on the short list of people I wouldn't mind seeing get smacked around by Toph so things worked out nicely.

"Master Yu and Xin Fu HEY I THINK IT COULD WORK AS A BAND NAME IN THAT ORDER TOO I THINK THEY'D PLAY JAZZ I'M A BLUES FAN MYSELF started on opposite sides when Xin Fu kidnapped Toph and that louse Lao hired Master Yu to pay off the ransom WAIT HE HIRES A MASTER EARTHBENDER TO DELIVER MONEY FOR HIM ISN'T THAT A LITTLE INEFFICIENT and so the two losers didn't get a chance to fight which is too bad because I bet it would have been a sissy slap fight for the ages but soon enough they found themselves working together when Lao put himself in direct competition with Ozai for least understanding father ever EVEN MY DAD GAVE ME A GOOD ALLOWANCE WITH WHICH TO PURCHASE KNIVES AND DARK CLOTHES AND BLUES MUSIC and hired the both of them to track down Toph after she ran away with the Avatar and bring her back in a tiny metal cage without a bathroom. Again I am left to boggle over the man's business decisions because here he hired a local Earthbending teacher and a professional wrestling program manager to hunt down his daughter across the Kingdom for money and that sounds to me like something a PROFESSIONAL BOUNTY HUNTER would be more qualified for but hey what do I know about these things the fact that Zuko of all people was able to evade the duo's attempts to capture him for his bounty doesn't mean they were COMPLETE incompetents at the trade THE FACT THAT IROH ESCAPED THEM TOO SEELS THE DEAL but as a stupid noble girl I don't know how the world works and thinking is very hard so it just must be beyond my ability to reason as to why a Shirshu rider wouldn't be a much better choice for the job.

"For all their unworthiness Xin Fu and Yu THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE A NEWS PAMPHLET THAN A BAND actually managed to track Toph into Ba Sing Se and TO MY AMAZEMENT trick her into walking into the desired metal box but she had concealed a can opener on her person DON'T ASK ME WHERE and was able to escape and trick our stupid buddy comedy into the box and locked them in and that's the last anyone IMPORTANT heard of them. I suppose they probably died in there THAT'S ABOUT AS TRAGIC AS AZULA'S DECENT INTO LIPSTRUMMING MADNESS because the odds of anyone coming along who would let them out are really low but on the odd chance a pair of kids or something did in fact free them THAT'S ACTUALLY A REFERENCE BUT ONLY A LUCKY FEW WILL GET IT it's likely that the pair might stick together because their careers certainly weren't going anywhere after those run-ins with the scary tiny girl and the horribly cruel monk child and at least together they can always take their hilarious sissy slap fight show on the road and earn pennies a day at carnivals and fairs.

"I always know I'm having a bad day when I encounter something that makes both my family and my chosen friends look like lucky finds."


	48. Sonko

**Mai on... Sonko!**

"If there's anything people like to do, it's talk about romantic relationships between my boyfriend Zuko and various girls whose names he can scarcely remember. Although far from being the most baseless or unlikely among them, any hopes for a love affair with the boring nurse Song are completely irrational.

"I keep trying to come up with a way to accurately describe this girl Song in a way that will completely summarize her life and personality and favorite foods but all I keep getting is MY FAVORITE WORD EVER the rather simple result of 'boring!' Her only history is a vague mention of being a 'refugee' and I guess that it's kind of implied that the war was the cause of this but honestly I'm sick of people blaming my nation for everything bad in the world OKAY SO TARGETING CIVILIANS FOR LAUGHS WAS IN OUR WRITTEN RULES OF ENGAGEMENT BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE ALL DID IT and it's just as likely that her father WHO I NOTICE WASN'T HANGING AROUND was a criminal of some kind who had to leave town with his family or maybe he was involved in some kind of anarchistic uprising against the legitimate Earth Kingdom government and failed and had to serve in the military as his sentence meanwhile his family moved to a quieter neighborhood to avoid reprisals YEAH THAT SOUNDS LIKELY.

"Well however she got there Song took the opportunity to major in medicine IT'S PROBABLY MORE USEFULL THAN A DEGREE IN EVIL WITH THE ECONOMY THE WAY IT IS NOW and took a job working in a healing station somewhere near the front where she spent her days applying lotion to old people who blundered into poison ivy bushes THOSE ARE BUSHES RIGHT I'VE NEVER BEEN CAMPING THANK AGNI SO I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER SEEN ANY while out taking a walk AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I HOPE THEY WERE DOING IN THOSE BUSHES and while it's easy enough to say that Song was doing this work out of the goodness of her heart and to bring money home to her poor broken family I think this was just a way for her to have a social life because as I'll establish later Song was REALLY BAD at talking to boys and she had much better odds with putting on her 'sweet' act for the old patients and hoping they'd try to fix her up with a young and single relative.

"On that note we come to the way Song met Zuko when he and his uncle Iroh were on the run from Azula BUT NOT ME AND TY LEE YET THANK AGNI I'D HATE TO THINK MYSELF RESPONSIBLE FOR FORCING POOR ZUKO ON THIS GIRL for the crime of stupidity and treason NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER when Iroh took the opportunity of being fugitives in the wilderness to take a random flower he found and boil it into tea and drink it. Now I'm not exactly the outdoors type MAYBE IF WHOEVER IS IN CHARGE GOT RID OF ALL THAT MUD AND SUNSHINE AND COLOR THEN WE COULD TALK but I know enough that I'm aware of the dangers of eating anything you happen to come across growing out of the ground I mean first of all it's dirty and second of all even experienced hunter-gatherer types sometimes ingest things that make them hallucinate in the middle of a dangerous situations SOKKA'S INTELLIGENCE IS ONE THE FEW THINGS IN THIS WORLD I RESPECT BUT REALLY AFTER LEARNING HE FELL FOR THAT I BECAME EVEN MORE TERRIFIED OF PLANTS THAN I WAS WITH JUST A TRAUMATIC APPLE INCIDENT IN MY PAST and third how good can something you pull out of the ground taste anyway that it's worth risking death or a bad stomachaches but anyway I'm wasting my breath here because I hardly need to expend any effort to prove that Iroh is at best a moron who could give Ty Lee a run for her STUPID money and at worst a senile moron who spends have his days thinking he's a lemur. Predictably enough the plant Iroh tried to snort or whatever turned out to be poison so Zuko had to sling the old fat man over his shoulder OOH SO STRONG WHAT A HERO and run him to the nearest Emergency Room which in that region of the world consists of a tent and a teenage girl with delusions of a social life and suspicious knowledge of 'medicinal' herbs. She patched Iroh up YOU KNOW WE ONLY HAVE HIS WORD THAT HE WAS POISONED OH I'M SURE SONG MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT HOW ONLY HER HEALING HANDS COULD SAVE HIM BUT MAYBE IT WAS JUST ANOTHER MILD CASE OF ITCHY BUSH SYNDROME and didn't even have the band-aid fully on the old man's boo-boo before she was staring at Zuko and asking where he came from and what style of underwear he favors and if he wanted to come over for dinner that night and then make out behind the tool shed afterwards.

"Now I hardly think it needs saying at this point but Zuko is a GOOD BOY and his first inclination was to tell Song to go find the nearest body of water and throw herself into it none too gently but Iroh of course couldn't resist a friendly young female and an offer of food IS IT ANY WONDER I GREW UP RUDE AND A LITTLE ANOREXIC IN THE PALACE ENVIRONMENT and of course Zuko is too HONORABLE to abandon his Uncle so he got roped into sitting across from Song at the dinner table listening to her RAMBLE on about how horrible life has been and all the various IMAGINED ways she had been hurt by the war LOOKING FOR A LITTLE PITY KISSY-FACE NO DOUBT and trying desperately to relate to Zuko in any way she could up to and including showing off a little scar on her leg that she probably got from spilling some hot tea and then trying to play that into an opportunity to get her hands all over some Fire Nation Prince but what she didn't realize was that Zuko goes for long hair IT'S POSSIBLE IT COMES FROM MOTHER ISSUES BUT CONSIDERING I AM COMPLETELY ROCKING THE LOOK I'M NOT GOING TO WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT IT and she just wasn't going to compete especially considering Zuko has issues that make him like strong women with a penchant for violence and not shrinking violets who are good at giving little kids their cough medicine. I know it sounds cruel BUT I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE to talk about the girl this way especially considering that Zuko did my job for me and completely crushed her spirit and willingness to risk her heart again by stealing her car or something but hey that's the way the game goes if you go to war you have to expect to have knives thrown at you by a psycho chick and if you make a pass at a scarred exile you have to expect a little rudeness and in some extreme cases a little Grand Theft Ostrich.

"Ty Lee and I once took the Fire Lord's rhino out for an unauthorized ride. We were so terrified we went slower than walking pace and both threw up as soon as we got off. Good times."


	49. Earth Kune

**Mai on... Earth Kune!**

"Coming up with new romantic relationships in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ is insane and dangerous work, but one result that comes dangerously close to almost making sense is a love affair between the Earth King Kuei and the bounty hunter June."

"Here in the Fire Nation we do tyranny properly with a single Lord who gets to rule undisputed and do whatever he wants and for some reason a lot of outsiders imagine we have a whole ruling class filled with opinionated nobles and scheming ministers and maybe even a corrupt church or two BEATS ME HOW MANY AS FAR AS I CAN TELL ALL SERVICES JUST CONSIST OF BOWING TO PAINTINGS AND SETTING SOME PEOPLE ON FIRE but in truth the buck starts and stops with a Fire Lord and the fanatical military made up of fanatical arsonists who worship the station of the Fire Lord the way I worship knives IN OTHER WORDS THEY'RE RATHER FANATICAL ABOUT IT. No doubt a lot of those fanciful tales of fat busybodies in gaudy robes forcing their ruler into an arranged marriage with a foreign savage started in the Earth Kingdom where apparently that type of thing is a national sport and people congregate around the gilded well to compare their various attempts to manipulate their supreme ruler by doing things ranging from hiding a war to participating in 'Talk Like a Pirate' day AANG CAME UP WITH THAT ONE. Further diluting the power is the system of government the Earth Kingdom uses which you would think is a monarchy of some kind but in fact they seem to have several kings over there with each taking charge over a single city and maybe the lands surrounding those cities but I'm not sure what the point is since people in the Earth Kingdom have an almost Freudian urge IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL PUBERTY OVER THERE to put everything of value behind a wall but the end result is less a Kingdom and more of an anarchist collection of feuding city-states ruled over by incompetent warlords TOO BAD THEY WOULDN'T LET US FIX IT FOR THEM BECAUSE THAT'S A VERY OUTDATED WAY OF DOING THINGS.

"For some reason though Ba Sing Se is considered the 'capital' of the Earth Kingdom which I guess means it's the biggest city REALLY I DON'T KNOW and the king in charge of that one is called 'The' Earth King and they take this position so seriously that I hear the prospective monarch actually gives up his name upon taking the throne and is forever after just called 'The' Earth King which maybe works for them but I really can't imagine waking up every morning and saying to my husband 'Good morning The Fire Lord honey.' I mean if I had to put up with that type of thing I'd almost be tempted to run away with another man with a much easier name preferably something short MAYBE TWO SYLLABLES and of course involving several very masculine-sounding K's SORRY GETTING OFF TRACK WHERE WAS I BEFORE I STARTED HAVING BAD THOUGHTS OH YES and the guy who was the Earth King at the end of the war WHO ALSO HAPPENED TO BE THEY GUY I HELPED AZULA DEPOSE BUT I HAVE A PARDON FOR THAT NOW used to be named 'Kuei' and since saying 'The' Earth King is harder HOW DO YOU EVEN PRONOUNCE A ' ANYWAY I'm just going to call him Kuei for the duration of this ramble. Kuei's history is pretty vague at least for a lifelong citizen of the Fire Nation like me but I do know that his parents died when he was young and he had to take the crown at a young age IT'S LIKE ALL OF ZUKO AND AZULA'S FANTASIES BUT COLORED GREEN but because the people of the Earth Kingdom aren't COMPLETE morons they appointed a smart guy to help him rule but unfortunately for them the smart guy turned out to be Secret Police Head Long Feng OKAY MAYBE THEY ARE COMPLETE MORONS who took power for himself and suppressed all information about the war and turned Ba Sing Se into his own little benevolent dictatorship and ordered the creation and maintenance of a group of young women who would do anything he commanded AT LEAST HE HAS HIS PRIORITIES STRAIGHT and turned Kuei into just another member of the idle rich with even less power than most idle rich because Long Feng's signature was needed on all the checks.

"However Kuei led a happy life judging from his indulgent and generally amiable personality REALLY IT WAS LIKE THE GUY NEVER STOPPED SMILING AND THAT JUST ISN'T NATURAL which places him in direct contrast to his supposed lady love June who I'll grant also likes to smile but it's more along the lines of a 'I'm gonna whip you punk' smile that's more based on anticipating the pain of others than any real enjoyment of life but I'm getting ahead of myself here and I can't stand it when someone cuts me in line. June is another victim of a legacy THEN AGAIN SO ARE ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW EXCEPT MY LITTLE BROTHER SOMEHOW in that her father was also a bounty hunter who I assume was successful because he had the SO EFFECTIVE IT'S ALMOST CHEATING Shirshu Super Mole thing that he eventually left to his daughter along with his book of business when he died OR MAYBE CHANGED HIS NAME AND RAN OFF WITH ZUKO'S MOTHER OOH THAT WAS BAD OF ME and judging by how young and well-established she was when Zuko hired her I can only conclude that she was about Toph's age when she took up professional hunting and while I can respect that type of ambition and think she's the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen BUT I WOULDN'T QUITE CALL THIS A 'GIRL CRUSH' YET it still seems to me that she started with the adult responsibilities thing a little young and probably doesn't get enough fun in her life. She gives off this dark and jaded EVEN THOUGH HER TATTOOS ARE RED NOT JADE AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT SHE LOOKS KIND OF FIRE NATION FOR AN EARTH KINGDOM GIRL MAYBE SHE'S A MUTT vibe that's in direct contrast to the Kuei's demeanor so they might both find the other's personality a refreshing change from the status quo.

"Based on my knowledge of how bored nobles spend their time HE COULDN'T HAVE SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE PLAYING WITH THAT BEAR COULD HE it strikes me as likely that Kuei probably snuck out to bars and clubs and parties a bit and the only thing June has ever been seen doing for amusement is hanging out in bars beating up would-be womanizers so it's not out of the realm of possibility that the two might meet up in a drinking establishment especially with 'The' Earth King wandering his nation and they'd get along because Kuei's politeness would intrigue June and June's hot leather-clad body interests every guy with an interest in girls MAKES ME WONDER WHAT ZUKO THINKS OF HER AND HOW OFTEN SOKKA REMEMBERS HER and even if they don't run into each other there's always the possibility that June could be hired to find the wayward monarch now that his city was liberated without his help SOMEONE ACTUALLY GAVE ME THAT IDEA IT'S THE BEST METHOD OF SETTING UP A BLIND DATE I'VE EVER HEARD and bring him back home and traveling on the road together sparks are bound to fly. If they do end up getting together I think June would be a wonderful candidate for 'The' Earth Queen because she's dark and blunt and violent and I've seen the Fire Nation improved for having such an influence so the Earth Kingdom's worthless government could definitely benefit from such an asset. If not then at least the bear and the shirshu can play together and share a stable or pet house or whatever so that their messes could be cleaned up all at once.

"Now we just need to find a Goth chick for the Water Tribe. If that's too hard, I guess we could always have one of the others pulling double duty."


	50. Toki

**Mai on... Toki!**

"I don't believe in hiding or denying my opinions to the rest of the world, so I feel comfortable in stating that a speculatory romance between Kyoshi Warrior Suki and Toph Bei Fong would sink humanity down to new depths of disgusting depravity.

"I know what you're thinking you're saying to yourself 'But lovely and intelligent Mai how can Suki and Toph like each other when they're supposed to be alternating between throwing their affections at Sokka's hot body and your dim but loyal boyfriend Zuko' and if that's the case then you're as PERCEPTIVE as ever because their shared lust for Sokka NOT THAT I CAN BLAME THEM I MEAN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HIM WITHOUT A SHIRT is actually what led to the possible basis for one of the more horrible pairings I've heard of BUT THEN I SAY THAT A LOT WHEN TOPH IS INVOLVED SOMETHING ABOUT HER JUST MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH PUTTING HER IN SOMEONE'S ARMS MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I CAN'T BE SURE SHE IS A 'SHE' after a specific incident in the Serpent's Pass. Prior to that Suki had been nothing to Sokka but a quick fling early in his adventures when the Avatar led his Water Tribe acolytes to Kyoshi Island for a Kyoshi-worshipping booty call and while I think Suki was supposed to be part of Aang's harem THEY CAN'T BE REAL FIGHTERS NOT WITH ALL THAT MAKEUP AND THOSE INEFFICIENT COSTUMES THAT DON'T LET YOU MOVE PROPERLY FOR ANYTHING MORE TAXING THAN A STRIPTEASE she instead decided she liked the look of Sokka better. Before she could do more than get him out of his clothes and give him a quick kiss Zuko arrived looking to bring the Avatar back to the Fire Nation as the strangest Father's Day gift ever OKAY I ADMIT THAT THE POCKET KNIFE I GAVE MY DAD LAST YEAR WAS KIND OF ODD TOO and the whole group had to run away and Suki's evil machinations were thwarted YAY ZUKO YOU DID GOOD KID.

"Of course Sokka didn't think of Suki again after that WHAT A CAD and he had something like a thousand girlfriends after that and the latest by the time the group was heading to Ba Sing Se was the Earthbender Toph who to her extreme displeasure was getting more attention from the Avatar than Sokka and in fact Sokka didn't consider her one of his many girlfriends at all HA HA. Toph however was blind and still new to the whole 'gAang' thing and so she probably thought she had a chance with Sokka given enough time and supposedly accidental falls into tight rock crevices DIDN'T THAT STRIKE ANYONE ELSE AS REALLY SUSPICIOUS so it was probably a very unpleasant surprise when Suki ambled up to the group on their way into Ba Sing Se and greeted Sokka by licking his cheek and threatening to throw him in jail THEN AGAIN WHO WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED AT THAT TYPE OF BEHAVIOR. There was some ruckus about passports and smuggling Waterbenders across the border and there was some lady who was ready to have a baby but wanted to wait until she had crossed the border so that she couldn't be sent back home as an illegal and then the whole group decided to take the long way to Ba Sing Se on a walking path called the Serpent's Pass WHICH LOOKED PRETTY SERPENTY TO ME WITH ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS BUT IT TURNS OUT THERE'S A SEA MONSTER THERE TOO and Toph found herself being extra ignored in favor of the new girl in the clown makeup.

"Naturally Toph expressed her displeasure the only way she knew how NO NOT BEATING PEOPLE UP THAT'S A SIGN SHE WANTS A KISS by running and hiding and making snarky comments about stripteasing clowns when no one but the group's lemur OH TO KNOW THE THINGS THAT ANIMAL HAS HEARD was around and that had the odd result of Suki not at all realizing TOPH WAS A GIRL NO MAI YOU'RE BEING BAD AGAIN NO FRUIT TARTS FOR YOU that Toph was both lusting for Sokka SUKI ALWAYS WAS A BIT SLOW and highly resentful of his new self-appointed girlfriend. Thus when Toph had a slight accident involving a sea monster and easy-break ice cubes that wound up with Toph sinking to the bottom of the local lake Suki very selflessly LOOK SOKKA IMA HERO OR HEROINE OR WHATEVER KISS ME leapt in to save Toph's life and somehow she actually did it despite not even taking her shoes off which is weird because when I was wearing that getup I could barely sprint down a hall and leap into the air and do a mid-air somersault and throw sixteen knives and land on one foot and spin around to throw nine knives at an opponent behind me without stumbling a little bit and normally I can do that kind of stuff in my sleep ACTUALLY I DID DO THAT IN MY SLEEP ONCE GOOD THING I WEAR SHORTS TO BED but to get back on track Suki saved Toph but due to some awkwardly placed situational comedy thought it was Sokka who was saving her.

"Toph had recently lost her good friend Uncle Iroh and been beaten up and mugged of the group's Sky Bison and forced to walk across a whole desert while Aang threw sand at her and then Sokka began ignoring her in favor of your classic painted harlot and now she had just nearly drowned so I can see where the stress was enough to break through her normal shyness and so she grabbed Suki Who Wasn't Sokka's face and mashed their lips together and maybe even tried a little to- NO NEVER MIND I'M DONE WITH THAT THOUGHT and so on and so on basically Toph forced a major make out on Suki. Of course it was an accident but on Kyoshi Island apparently one kiss is enough to file for marriage JUDGING FORM THE WAY SUKI ACTED TOWARDS SOKKA and besides Suki had never been kissed before because Sokka hadn't kissed her back yet so I wouldn't consider it unreasonable for Suki to have developed a thing for Toph right then and there. Toph of course was young and most likely confused OH WAIT THAT'S KATARA'S DEPARTMENT about all the adult feelings she had been getting and maybe after finding out who she kissed Toph might have in that instant become open to the possibility of older women especially if it meant keeping Suki away from Sokka long enough to ditch our favorite clown warrior at the Ba Sing Se gates. However feelings like that can't be denied BUT THEY'RE EASILY SUPPRESSED and it's probably only a matter of time until Toph and Suki want to get back together and I notice that Suki was willing to break things off with Sokka immediately after Toph kissed her so there must be some feelings there and if the two of them could get on with their tragic romance and leave my men OR MAN I GUESS IF YOU WANT TO GET TECHNICAL alone that would be just great.

"When you think it about, it's a pairing that works very well. Suki wears facepaint that makes most people nauseous, and Toph is blind. That's serendipity."


	51. Long Zula

**Mai on... Long Zula!**

"It's bad enough that I have to hear about all the crazy relationships from _Avatar: The Last Airbender_, but it's a wholly different thing to have to observe some of the more disturbing examples. One of the thankfully brief affairs I had the displeasure to witness was the faithless partnership between Grand Secretariat Long Feng and Fire Princess Azula.

"The Earth Kingdom as a whole is a boring and smelly and boring and dirty and boring and low class AND DID I MENTION BORING place and while I'm to my great regret most familiar with Omashu YEAH THEY DITCHED THAT WHOLE 'NEW OZAI' THING A WHILE AGO AND 'ZUKOPOLIS' WAS SHOT DOWN BEFORE IT COULD BE ANNOUNCED it's the great big walled city of Ba Sing Se that exemplifies all the Kingdom's problems and foibles. You see the city is really big and filled with the kind of weird people you can only find in big cities who suck on corn cobs and worship cabbages and date their siblings BUT THAT'S NOT JUST AN EARTH KINGDOM PROBLEM HA ZING and of course there was the added stress of the Fire Nation trying to break in and set things on fire HEY IT'S WHAT WE DO WHO WANTS MARSHMALLOWS and then conquer anything that hadn't been set on fire and then institute high property taxes to destroy the people's hope. The city's King LET'S NOT GET INTO THAT AGAIN was an absentee landlord so in order to keep order some drastic measures had to be taken. In the Fire Nation we would have just started burning anyone who caused trouble and then all their friends and family and that's worked pretty well for us so far WE MAY BE IN FOR ROUGH TIMES NOW THAT ZUKO IS LOOKING TO CHANGE THAT BUT AT LEAST HE'S TAKING IT SLOW but in Ba Sing Se this guy named Long Feng had the great idea of turning the 'Cultural Guardians' of the city WHAT DOES A 'CULTURAL GUARDIAN' DO ANYWAY ARE THEY JUST GLORIFIED MUSEUM GUARDS OR DO THEY ALSO STALK THE PARKS KILLING ANYONE WHO LITTERS into a dreaded order of secret police.

"That was working out pretty well for Long Feng for several years because the Earth King was more likely to be arrested at a rave than to wonder why no one was asking him to do any legislating and Long Feng went for really high quality secret police and he even got some cute girls on the payroll OF COURSE HE KIDNAPPED AND BRAINWASHED THEM BUT IT'S AN EMPLOYER'S MARKET IN THIS ECONOMY but then it all came crashing down when the Avatar arrived with his most dangerous enemies HEY HOW YA DOING in tow. Faster than an Airbender on a sugar rush OH WAIT Aang exposed Long Feng BOTH METAPHORICALLY AND PHYSICALLY and got Long Feng arrested for skimming the top off the Earth King's allowance and the former head of the Dai Lee was thrown in jail where his ever loyal Secret Police made sure he got fresh shrimp with his dinner and a cell with a view of a really great cave and to be honest Long Feng was one more degrading potty break away from hanging himself with his funky Earth Kingdom hair tail when the villain portion of the Avatar's social circles finally got things in gear. Azula really wanted to conquer the whole Earth Kingdom as long as she was in town to seduce every male in the Avatar's group and her brother while she was at it TO THE SIDE OF DARKNESS NATURALLY and we started by looking at the local help but found that desperate peasants with no money make for enthusiastic minions but they don't really have the right kind of work experience so just as we were considering sending away for some mail-order minions THEY SHIP THEM DEHYDRATED AND THEN YOU JUST HAVE GET A WATERBENDER TO BLOW ON THEM AND THEY POP TO FULL SIZE Azula realized that the Dai Lee and Long Feng would be a lot cheaper and require no shipping NO NOT THAT KIND OF SHIPPING YOU MANIACS.

"So Azula sent Ty Lee and I to talk to the Dai Lee and we were all 'our friend is interested in your friend' and they were like 'yeah' and we said 'yeah' and they asked 'why didn't she come to talk to him' and we answered 'well your friend is kind of in jail and our friend has this king following her around who wants attention' and the Dai Lee were like 'okay we can talk to him what's your friend's name' and we said 'she's Azula and she's really pretty' and they waved and said 'okay bye.' So soon enough Azula had an invitation to come chat with Long Feng AZULA ACTUALLY LET HERSELF BE DRAGGED TO THE DUNGEONS AND SHE SAID THE DAI LEE HAD VERY ACTIVE HANDS FOR GUYS WEARING ROCK GLOVES SO I'M GLAD I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO WITH HER and with five minutes we had full use of the Dai Lee for whatever purposes we devised and that was good because that meant I didn't have to clean up the King's bear's poop anymore THEY MUST HAVE FED THAT THING TEN TIMES A DAY and it was handy to have them arrest the King's generals for us because the Dai Lee already had the handcuffs built into their costumes THESE GUYS ARE GETTING MORE PERVERTED THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT and really the whole thing was so easy I can't help but wonder if Long Feng was going out of his way to make things work for the teenage princess who visited his cell in the middle of the night and while I doubt even Azula is that disgusting I have no trouble believing that THE guy who insists on calling all the girls he knows by the same name is a scandal waiting to happen MUST BE SOMETHING ABOUT THAT WALLED CITY I NOTICE IROH NARROWLY AVOIDED A FEW SCANDELS IN HIS TIME.

"Well when all was said and done Long Feng was let out of his cell and I had just finished up throwing knives at Toph's head HEY IT'S NOT MEAN THAT'S THE CLOSEST PART OF HER ANATOMY AT MY EYE LEVEL AND ANY WAY I THINK THAT HER HAIR FUNCTIONS AS A HELMET so I hung around for the show even though I really wanted to get out of that Kyoshi Warrior dress and back into something that didn't start life at a circus. So Long Feng came in and he actually announced he was going to betray Azula probably because he thought she was a girly girl who liked being hurt by big strong men IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE KYOSHI DRESS AZULA WORE TO THEIR FIRST 'DATE' but we don't raise our girls that way in the Fire Nation so Azula was just like 'no no no no' and told Long Feng that henceforth she would be the one giving orders from atop the big fancy throne and if he thought he could take on a person with 'Kill Avatar' on her 'To Do' list then the glorified peasant was welcome to try. Long Feng showed how really pathetic he was by just bowing and going 'you win tee hee punish me' I mean even Zhao would have had the grace to growl in frustration a little but Zhao wouldn't have been stupid enough to try that Sugar Daddy bit on Azula in the first place so in the end we have to conclude that Long Feng never had the slightest chance with the Princess COME ON AZULA HAD ZUKO AND SOKKA ON HER DANCE CARD HOW COULD HE COMPETE and was in fact even dumber than a man who got killed by grumpy fish. Suitably enough he was made to disappear just like all the corn-suckers his Secret Police arrested over the years.

"It's incidents like this that actually make me glad I'm only considered attractive by an attentive minority. I would have just stabbed Long Feng before his mooks could handcuff the smelly men for us."


	52. Bumai

_To let everyone know, I've announced on my deviantArt account a "Maikka Week" from September 20th to October 3rd. For a full list of prompts and explanations, check it out (I'm loopy777 there, too, so my address is loopy777 dot deviantart dot com). Add the end of the fun, I'll be posting the long-awaited Maikka ramble **as the last (for now) update** to this series._

* * *

**Mai on... Bumai!**

"Nothing seems to give the crazier fans of _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ more pleasure than promoting pairings with major age discrepancies. I am the victim of one of the worst of these, with the mad King Bumi.

"As horrid a regime as the Fire Nation could be back in the day THE NIGHTS ARE A LOT QUIETER one good thing about it was that something was always going on that could be called 'interesting' by someone with low standards and as much life experience as Katara had before her mother bit the biscuit and she ran away with an Avatar. Of course lots of people were getting lit on fire and we had that power-hungry tyrant running around who felt the need to declare a death duel whenever someone so much as burped in the same cafeteria as him during lunch hour and we also had his power-hungry daughter who didn't even feel the need for either excuses or formal death duels when she wanted to commit homicide so there was always something amusing going on if you had permission to wander the Royal Capital and Palace WHICH I DID NEENER NEENER ANYONE WOULD BE JEALOUS AFTER A DESCRIPTION LIKE THAT. Usually I hung around with Princess Azula as dangerous as that often was because her brother was hot EVEN IF HE NEEDED TO START SPENDING TIME AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER MORE BECAUSE HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM IF SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE and Azula herself fed the part of me that enjoyed bullying people and causing pain and feeling superior to our victims THE THING ABOUT AZULA IS THAT SHE HELPS YOU BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE so when I was hanging out with them OH YEAH AND TY LEE TOO SHE'S A BLIGHT ON HUMANITY BUT WE HAVE THAT 'IN THE TRENCHES TOGETHER' BOND GOING I was actually not bored and maybe kind of interested in what was going on around me. Then Zuko burped at his dad and was sent to a military camp on a boat where he outranked everyone and Ty Lee ran away to join the circus and my family was given the 'reward' of moving to the Earth Kingdom colonies to govern the barbarian city of Omashu.

"I'm not really sure how my dad got that job as governor because I'll admit I was kind of taking a tantrum FOR ME THAT MEANS I GLARE WHILE RANDOMLY SNARLING AND I WALK AROUND WITH A KNIFE ALWAYS IN MY HAND so I wasn't paying attention to any details beyond asking my parents how they could ruin my life like that and even then whenever they tried to answer I would declare that no one understood me WHICH IS PROBABLY TRUE EVEN ZUKO IS GUESSING HALF THE TIME BUT AM I THAT MYSERIOUS THAT A NOTE REALLY SEEMS LIKE A GOOD WAY TO BREAK UP so I found myself in the odd position of learning the name of my new home city only after I had been there for six days. My father was an upwardly mobile politician though so maybe he just struck the Fire Lord as a really capable guy HA OKAY I'M SORRY I'LL STOP MESSING WITH YOU NOW or maybe my family was being rewarded for producing a nice little friend for Azula who didn't run away to circuses or maybe my dad was so annoyingly incompetent that the Fire Lord figured he'd send us to another country to be killed by rebels WHICH ALMOST HAPPENED AND I FIND IT INTERESTING THAT AANG FELT THE NEED TO PREVENT IT SO OBVIOUSLY THERE'S A CONSPIRACY GOING ON. But regardless of how I got there I found myself trapped in Omashu with lots of dust-covered peasants and only my family to hang out with and not one thing going on besides random assassination attempts but there were all so quick I barely had time to feel my heart starting to pump blood again before it was over KIND OF LIKE ZUKO'S KISSES HA HA JUST KIDDING and there was also the old king hanging around cackling at everyone.

"King Bumi himself is an odd story I have no desire to hear as he started out a hundred years ago as a normal kid who just happened to hang out with the Avatar YET SOKKA AND KATARA STILL HAD A MORE PATHETIC CHILDHOOD and he apparently earned some kind of reputation as a 'Mad Genius' because he was so bored by life in Omashu he was driven to things like riding the mail slides down the whole city for excitement HE SUGGESTED IT TO ME BUT I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN MY HAIR GETS ALL FRIZZY FROM THE WIND and I can sympathize with being so bored by that city that you want to do something interesting or die trying but it seems that Bumi wasn't completely satisfied by those shenanigans so he pulled some tricks and wound up being crowned King. Personally I think getting out the city and into a civilized land would be a better option but Bumi is a MAD genius with the visible emphasis on the MAD so sensible ideas are not among his specialties and he thought it best to just hang around Omashu for forever and get what excitement he could from messing with his staff and subjects and completely undermining the justice system for kicks and giggles ACTUALLY I KIND OF LIKE THAT IDEA ONLY I'D BEHEAD ANYONE WHO THREW OUT PERFECTLY GOOD FIRE FLAKES and that apparently lasted him a hundred years until he met up with Aang again and the Fire Nation came a' conquering on his heels.

"By the time I got there Bumi had surrendered without a fight WHICH MAKES HIM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE EARTH KINGDOM REALLY YOU BARBARIANS WE CAN SPIT FIRE AT YOU JUST GIVE IT UP and been locked up in this big metal coffin thing that was initially kept in the basement but that was really annoying because if Bumi wasn't entertained he'd start singing and those caves running under the palace really let sound carry and that was a big problem because my baby brother couldn't nap if someone was making noise AND THEN HE'D BE CRANKY AND BELIEVE ME A CRANKY TOM-TOM MAKES A CRANKY AZULA SEEM LIKE NOTHING so we had guards and various people constantly dropping by to keep the ex-King occupied and a couple times I took a turn on the off chance that something interesting might happen but Bumi was too busy alternating between being crazy and reciting pretentious platitudes that were supposed to make him seem wise or something but he had nothing on the nonsense Zuko's uncle used to bubble through his tea so eventually I got bored WHAT A TWIST and went back to taking walks with my mother and hoping someone would try to assassinate us.

"Eventually Aang came back and tried to rescue his OLD friend and to do that he kidnapped Tom-Tom and no one asked me what I thought about the proposed trade so the decision was made without me and then I was put in charge to take the fall in case something went wrong OH HEY THE FIRE NATION POLITICS ARE BACK AND THINGS ARE INTERESTING AGAIN. The whole affair turned into a fight and I got to pick on Katara a little but in the end it was a draw with Aang and company running away and Azula and Ty Lee and me left with the Bumi In A Box who thought the whole thing was great fun and wanted to do it again. We left him hanging on his little crane since he that kept him happy enough not to sing and I followed Azula out of town to hunt down Zuko and the Avatar's companions WOO HOO and ironically enough around the time Zuko broke up with me and left me to rot in prison Bumi was making his escape and liberated his city from the evil tyranny of my father. While he was on his way to meet up with his friends and free another big Earth Kingdom city do you think he remembered his old friend Mai who brought him some Fire Flakes that one time and could have used a powerful Earthbender to get her out of jail? You get three guess. It obviously wasn't meant to be between us.

"It's not that I don't appreciate a nonlinear mind with a good sense of humor and the ability to fight like an entire army. It's just that I'd prefer someone closer to my age, who isn't afraid to act sane when appropriate. Oh, I also already have a boyfriend, I guess."


	53. Jeong Jakku

**Mai on... Jeong Jakku!**

"Among the various mysteries surrounding the Order of the White Lotus is the nature of its members' supposedly exciting adventures, especially the nature any team-ups. One of the more darkly amusing examples of such pairings is a speculatory partnership between Pakku the Waterbending Master and Jeong-Jeong the ornery deserter.

"Jeong-Jeong and Pakku have both lived long and eventful lives over the course of which they mastered their respective bending elements in environments strangled by war but honestly their histories are the least entertaining things about them so I'm going to just try and breeze HM I JUST REALIZED THAT MIGHT BE A FORGOTTEN CULTURAL ALLUSION TO AIRBENDERS through them as fast as possible. OKAY GO Pakku grew up in the Northern Water Tribe where women are treated as unusually loud and whiny home appliances but Pakku had the misfortune to wind up betrothed to the Tribe's first natural Feminazi who turned out not be especially successful at reforming society WELL COLOR ME SHOCKED I THINK IT'S A SHADE OF PURPLE and so she ran away to see the world and in doing so left Pakku behind to curse the existence of all women and devote himself to his Waterbending which he was actually pretty successful at OOH TAKE THAT GRAN-GRAN and over the course of his sad lonely life he became the Tribe's most influential Master and teacher and baker and that's why everyone put up with his sarcasm and misogynistic snark.

"Jeong-Jeong was a big time military guy NO I DON'T KNOW THE RANK HE NEVER SAID AND ZUKO IS TOO EMBARRASSED TO ASK AND THE AVATAR'S GROUP ALL GIVE CONFLICTING GUESSES who was a really good Firebender but perhaps spent too much time in the sun thinking about the nature of arson and was disgusted by his own ability to shoot fireballs from his fingers and so became a Reformed Firebender who advocated restraint and the burning of as few people as possible which didn't go over very well in a time of war and so he was encouraged to retire but because even a Reformed Firebender can't stop being a Firebender he went a little insane THINK SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF A REFORMED DRUNK RUNNING A BAR and ran away into the nearest woods and stopped cutting his hair and started up a terrorist campaign against the Fire Nation military while ranting to everyone who would listen about the evil nature of butane lighters and his own self-loathing not for the war crimes he committed but purely for his power to burn a leaf with his breathe.

"At some point both old codgers joined up with the Order of the White Lotus but I'll be a Water Tribe housewife if I can tell you anything about how it happened for them or what in general OR ADMIRAL DEPENDING ON YOUR SOURCE is involved in joining a secret international club of board-game enthusiasts who also happen to be walking Persons of Mass Destruction but somehow I don't think they send out recruitment postcards in the mail BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T CHECK THE MAIL-COOP EVERYDAY JUST TO BE SURE so Pakku and Double-J were probably inducted by existing members who somehow thought they were interested in philosophical questions and amusing tile games and so had to be several flavors of insane themselves. Pakku probably just used his memberships for discounts on car insurance and hotels and Jeong-Jeong probably had no idea what he signed up for and burnt the newsletters that came every month 'OH THE EVILNESS THAT RESIDES IN ME I BURNT THE MAIL WITH CONSUMING FLAME!' because he didn't recognize them. If we want to assume however that the two were actual participants in the Order of the Old Lotus we can suppose that they maybe met up with each other and maybe had some fun adventures by which I mean they hung out and nearly killed each other. I can see them running around the Earth Kingdom arguing about whether women should be allowed to throw things at soldiers attacking their homes or how many drinks is okay the night before a raid and whether panty raids really contribute to the war effort FOR THE RECORD THAT'S A 'NO' and also debate the mechanics of blocking fireballs with rain versus firewalls HOW DOES FIRE BLOCK FIRE ANYWAY and the sound of their aggressive conversing probably would tip off every enemy soldier with ears.

"Jeong-Jeong strikes me as willing to visit the Water Tribes PAKKU PROBABLY GETS GRUMPY WHENEVER HE'S OUT AFTER HIS SCHEDULED BED TIME AND FREAKS IF HE CAN'T DO THE LAUNDRY ON MONDAYS and could presumably use his Lotus Membership Card to arrange passage without any uncomfortable situations at Customs but I doubt he would have been interested in learning from Pakku. JJ mainly expressed interest in the healing powers of Waterbending 'BUT CAN IT HEAL MY BURNING SOUL?!?' HEE HEE THIS IS FUN but KK was adamant that only men got to kick butt and only women got to heal cuts NEEDLESS TO SAY I'M PROUD TO BE A LIVING INVERSION OF THIS BARBARIC LIFESTYLE so Jeong-Jeong would have had to lurk around the Healing Huts while Pakku followed him making fun of his gender-identification issues and then Jeong-Jeong would get madder and madder until he lost control 'CURSE THIS CURSED DESTRUCTIVE POWER THAT I HAVE BEEN CURSED WITH!' THE WORD REPITION IS FUNNY and burnt off the rest of Pakku's stringy white hair. On the other hand if Pakku ever had the urge to go looking for his long lost Kanna HERE'S A HINT BUDDY CHECK OUT THE IGLOOS WHERE THE SOUTH TRIBE LOCK THEIR BREEDERS he might have visited Jeong-Jeong and asked for directions but Jeong-Jeong would have been completely unhelpful and said something like 'Directions what does a Tribal know of directions if a fish lives all its life in an aquarium can he tell me how to get to Sesame Street' and Pakku would probably just wander off eventually while Jeong-Jeong practiced his breathing. I like to think that the two had adjacent tents when the White Lotus Club was preparing to attack Ba Sing Se and they were constantly running into each other and Jeong-Jeong would get to ranting that Pakku didn't appreciate his Waterbending gift enough and Pakku would comment on the strange smells he detected whenever he was downwind of his buddy the reluctant Firebender.

"Why do I get the feeling that both Jeong-Jeong and Pakku would be much better adjusted if they hung out with more women?"


	54. Irama

_Just a reminder to everyone, Maikka Week/Fortnight starts a week from today on September 20th, and will run to October 3rd, the day I will post the last Rambling. For more information, including the list of art/fiction prompts, check out my deviantArt page- loopy777 dot deviantart dot com._

* * *

**Mai on... Irama!**

"Some of the people in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ are simply too dangerous to be left running around without restraint. In an odd case of fighting a forest fire with more fire, I think it would be a good idea to fix up General Iroh with Hama the crazy Bloodbender.

"At this point I'm getting really tired with talking about the various ways my nation ruined the lives of everybody AND THEIR BROTHER in the entire world so I'm going to go with the version of Hama's past that would have been in the history books if the Avatar had lost the war and let everybody fill in the blanks themselves because anyone who's actually read all these ramblings of mine is either very intelligent WHO ELSE WOULD LOVE ME SO MUCH or a moron looking in the wrong place for grammar tips. Anyway Hama lived her whole life at the South Pole as a Waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe but soon enough the Fire Nation got around to visiting the place on a humanitarian mission to offer all the unwashed barbarians a chance to relocate to someplace where forgetting to put your hood on doesn't mean your ears are going to fall off. Hama was one of those girls who heard about more modern nations where women were allowed to wear pants YES OF COURSE THEY WEAR SKIRTS IN THE SOUTH THEY JUST WEAR REALLY HEAVY SOCKS WITH THEM and drive tanks and live on their own and have their boyfriend come over at all hours of the day and night without anyone saying anything bad WOW I JUST REALIZED MY LIFE IS KIND OF AWESOME ASIDE FROM BEING BORING and so she immediately signed up to come visit the Fire Nation.

"Unfortunately she didn't pay attention during the cultural briefing and so didn't realize that putting on puppet shows on the sidewalk wasn't allowed without a permit and so she was arrested and forced to stay in holding for a night but apparently even that was too much for a girl only used to igloos and drafty tents so she had a psychological break and decided to kill every member of the Fire Nation. I point out that after she got out of jail no one had any problem with her settling in the Fire Nation and running a popular business even though she was OBVIOUSLY Water Tribe by her looks but of course as a member of a GOOD nation she couldn't settle for that and had to continue her own personal war on civilians. Her methods included various Forbidden Bending arts that the Water Tribes enjoyed using all the time especially the deadly art known as Bloodbending which Waterbenders can only use during a full moon which you would think would be an equalizer of some kind but the moon is one of THEM and is on THEIR side.

"Meanwhile in all this time a slightly more productive Bender OF COURSE HE WAS BETTER FOR ALL HIS OTHER FAULTS IROH IS FIRE NATION was growing up and joining the army PROBABLY BECAUSE OF ALL THE TROUBLE HE WAS GETTING IN WITH THE SERVANT GIRLS and conquering whole enemy nations while also conducting himself with honor NO PILLAGING NO MESSING WITH THE GIRLS NO LETTING JEONG-JEONG PREACH IN THE LOCAL BARS and purchasing gifts legally in markets that surrendered to the Fire Nation and sending them back to his darling nephew and niece and also finding time to teach his son how to drive tanks BUT NOT THE ONES THE GIRLS WERE DRIVING. Then Iroh's son Lu Ten died and he WENT NATIVE by wandering around and doing nothing and probably stealing stuff and getting involved in dangerous cults that sent him on 'spirit journeys' that probably began by smoking something that makes you hungry and by the time Iroh got back to the Fire Nation he was a complete disgrace and things had most certainly not improved by the time Zuko was banished for driving his sister's tank Iroh certainly hadn't improved and so I guess you could kind of criticize the Fire Nation for letting him loose on the world at that point but it was the rest of the world's corruption that made him that way so I don't feel particularly guilty.

"Hama was eventually caught by the Avatar of all people probably because he didn't approve of his girlfriend learning 'forbidden techniques' without his being able to supervise or at least watch IN THE FIRE NATION WE HAVE LEGENDS OF WATERBENDERS DANCING NAKED UNDER THE MOON BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THOSE STORIES WEREN'T TOLD IN THE PALACE SO ZUKO COULDN'T HAVE FANTASIZED ABOUT THEM and she was sent to a Fire Nation prison around the same time that Iroh was finally caught and brought back in chains for his horrible behavior GUESS WHO READ HIM HIS RIGHTS IT WAS PRETTY BORING BECAUSE IN THE FIRE NATION YOU ONLY HAVE THE RIGHT TO KILL YOURSELF IN PRISON TO SAVE THE STATE THE COST OF YOUR CONFINEMENT and locked up. I have no idea where they sent Hama TAKING A WILD GUESS I'M GOING TO SAY IT WASN'T THE BOILING ROCK but she theoretically could have been in the same prison where Iroh was and if so she probably wouldn't have been open to his advances at first HEY IN PRISON YOU TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET UNFORTUNATELY MY ONLY CHOICES WERE TY LEE OR KYOSHI WARRIORS OR COLD SOLITUDE SO I WENT WITH THE LONELINESS but after he convinced her that he was Fire Nation in name and eye and birth only maybe she'd be open to turning the fires of the Fire Nation against it and form a partnership AT LEAST with our Dragon of the West and his Pai Sho buddies.

"Iroh and Hama would without a doubt be a lot of trouble together but thankfully their modus operandi WHOOPS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ASIAN I MEAN THEIR 'WAY OF DOING THINGS' BUT THEN TRANSLATE TO CHINESE OR SOMETHING is well known by all the heroes of all the nations so we could keep an eye on them without much trouble and send one of our superhuman super weapons after them if necessary. If you think that Iroh was heavily involved in Zuko's own turn to 'good' PERSONALLY I THINK MY AWESOME KISSES HAD MORE TO DO WITH IT then you could theorize that he might also be a good influence on Hama and encourage her not to attack people indiscriminately and instead focus her efforts on people who don't adhere to their arbitrary moral standards but convincing her that ugly morose Fire Nation girls who happily served a Princess whose name is now the word for 'devil' in other cultures can be redeemed to the side of 'good' might take a little longer and until then I'm content to ship Iroh and Hama off to the Water Tribes where they can work together to come up with fun new ways to redirect lightning and maybe while they're at it they can teach Zuko how to do it without a fifty percent chance of dying while gasping for breath like a fish on dry land WHICH IS WHAT IROH WILL DO IF HE DOESN'T KEEP HIMSELF FROM GRIMACING WHENEVER HAMA DANCES NAKED UNDER THE MOON.

"It's kind of scary, but I'm beginning to see the appeal of pairing up Fire Nation people with Water Tribe barbarians. So long as it's done responsibly, of course, and never while driving a tank."


	55. Mohawky

**Mai on... Mohawky!**

"I've never attempted to hide my consternation over the kinds of pairings 'shippers' will come up with when they're bored, especially when it comes to children and animals. No doubt a great many people will be surprised to learn that some see a spark of romance between the Flying Lemur Momo and Sokka's messenger hawk, Hawky.

"So after roughly half a year of wandering around the Earth Kingdom without any purpose it occurred to the Avatar and his gang of miscreants that staying on the defensive in a whole different country may not be the best way to defeat the Fire Lord and his Fire Nation before the rather ambitious deadline of Summer's end. Of course it helped that they were failing in every way a group of 'heroes' can by not only letting the Earth Kingdom's capital to fall without a shot being fired WELL NOT THAT ANYONE COULD SEE ANYWAY SINCE THE ONLY BATTLE WAS UNDERGROUND but also allowing the Avatar to be killed once or twice and captured more times than I can count and I once determined that I have exactly two hundred and sixty-eight hidden knives in my clothes THE HIDDEN POUCHES I PLAN TO PUT ON MY UNDERWEAR WILL LET ME GET ANOTHER SEVENTEEN IN. So the group packed up their things and piled onto their odorous Sky Bison for a trip into and across the Fire Nation for summer vacation.

"Once they got here it didn't take those backwards savages very long to get used to the Fire Nation's way of dressing WELL IT LOOKS LIKE KATARA HAD A FEW ISSUES WITH HER OUTFIT THAT THING WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THREE MORE LAYERS UNDER IT and our spicy food EVEN OCEAN CUMQUATS ARE EDIBLE IF YOU SPRINKLE ENOUGH FIRE FLAKES OVER THEM and our indoor plumbing LIGHTNING REDIRECTION ISN'T OUR ONLY INVENTION THAT WAS INSPIRED BY WATERBENDERS and of course our unparalleled messaging service NO SUPER SLIDES INVOLVED that uses trained hawks to carry notes faster than any other delivery service known to anyone but an Airbender on a caffeine high. Being the smartest of the group NOT THAT IT'S REALLY SAYING ANYTHING AANG IS AN AIRHEAD TOPH HAS ROCKS FOR BRAINS AND KATARA'S INTELLIGENCE DRIPPED OUT HER EARS WHEN SHE WAS A BABY Sokka quickly became interested in the our messenger hawks and bought one for himself as soon as he had the spare money. Sokka named his new pet 'Hawky' UGH I LIKE THE UTILITARIAN NATURE OF THE NAME BUT THE EXTRA SYLLABLE MAKES IT SOUND WAY TOO CUTE THIS IS A BIRD OF PREY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD and brought it back to meet the rest of the group where it immediately struck up a rivalry with the Avatar's pet lemur Momo.

"Momo of course is this monkey-bat kitty-cat IT RHYMES THAT MEANS IT MUST BE TRUE thing and according to legend all four of the Air Nomad's temple complexes had a large infestation of the things and since a good pest extermination service is against their beliefs HOW IRONIC THAT'S WHAT THE FIRE NATION CALLED THEIR COMET-POWERED GENOCIDE the monks and nuns just took to training the things as pets in the hopes that they could eventually figure out the purpose behind a litter box. However the Air Nomads had been dead for about a million years so Momo was not one of the trained kitty-bats as evidenced by his preference for stolen food over slop in a plastic tray and he spent most of his life alone and feral before the Avatar found him and tied a BOW TIE leash around his neck so he probably ate his parents and siblings. Thus the only rule of cohabitation the thing understood was that bigger creatures got to tell smaller creatures what to do and so he fell into place as a subordinate of the Sky Bison Appa without any issue BECAUSE SKY BISON ARE VEGETARIANS AND LEMURS ARE ALL STRINGY AND CHEWY AND WERE ONLY EVER SERVED IN THE CHEAPEST FAST FOOD SHACKS but as soon as Hawky showed up we had a conflict because they were both the same size and hawks aren't bad eating from what I hear THEN AGAIN AZULA ALSO EATS BABIES SO MAYBE I SHOULDN'T PUT AS MUCH VALUE ON HER RESTAURANT RECOMMENDATIONS so it was going down as soon as Sokka introduced his new acquisition to the group.

"Momo and Hawky AGNI I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT SAYING THOSE NAMES IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A LITTLE MATURITY IN MY ENEMIES AND DENIED CRUSHES were constantly trying to scratch and peck each other to death but considering that the monkey-lemur's natural prey is the overly ripe peach Hawky obviously had to beholding back although to be fair Momo had more dogfighting experience from when he had that love and hurt relationship with that pirate lizard parrot AND HEY WASN'T THERE A BATTLE WITH ANOTHER HAWK AT SOME POINT I CAN'T REALLY REMEMBER I THINK MY MEMORY HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH so Hawky's ironic advantage would be to keep things low altitude but he strikes me as a street brawler anyway. Their final confrontation was supposed to happen when the whole Avatar gang went off to fight a guy who could blow things up with his head HEY IN THE WATER TRIBE SURGEONS ACCIDENTALLY LEAVE SPONGES IN THEIR PATIENTS IN THE FIRE NATION THEY LEAVE PROTON-ACCELERATED SUPER LUMINAL CANNONS but Sokka told Appa to keep the peace while they were gone GENIUS AFTER MY OWN HEART so Momo and Hawky were forced to obey the law of Biggest Creature Wins and were left with nothing to do the whole time. If you're one of those crazy people who think animals can fall in love I guess it's possible Hawky and Momo PLEASE STOP MAKING ME SAY THAT could have used the time to talk out their differences and then make out HEY IT'S HOW ZUKO AND I SOLVED OUR PROBLEMS but regardless it was a love affair that wasn't meant to last because the Earthbender Toph got hungry one day and Hawky wasn't seen again afterward and in a fair universe Sokka would have retaliated by eating Momo but he probably was more interested in Sky Bison steaks anyway THEY GO NICELY WITH BEARNAISE SAUCE.

"People often ask me if I have any pets. I tell them about my little brother."


	56. Mai Lee

**Mai on... Mai Lee!**

"If Zuko making some good decisions and preteens scoring kisses from fourteen-year-olds aren't enough to convince you that _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ depicts some pretty unlikely things, my lifelong friendship with the rather strange Ty Lee should seal the deal.

"Ty Lee and I are often thought of as some kind of dynamic duo TO THE FIRE POLES TY ROBIN who stick together through thick and thin and sometimes even situations of medium thickness but to be honest we haven't spent as much time together as all the boys would like to think AND THE ROYAL ACADEMY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A LOCKER ROOM SO THERE. Ty Lee and I met back when we were fairly little but the public details are obscured by the mists of time OR MAYBE IT'S A FOG OF WAR so very few people can set the record straight and I'm one of them so you're very lucky. Ty Lee and I were going to the Fire Nation Academy for Girls and I'm not sure why they separated boys and girls at that age because none of us were aware of the physical differences AT THE TIME and there's really no difference in the curriculum because a century ago Fire Lord Azulon ordered that dance class be replaced with combat training and my whole three-girl social circle was rather glad of that because we liked hurting people better than charming boys AND TY LEE COULD DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME but in any event that's where the pink wonder and I first encountered each other and were RECRUITED to be Azula's best friends. Why Azula chose us is a mystery for the ages but there are various theories floating around and my favorite is that she could spookily see into my and Ty Lee's souls and could tell that we were awesome ninjas just waiting to be set loose TO BE FAIR MY UNCANNY ACCURACY AT THROWING ROCKS AT MEANS GIRLS MIGHT HAVE BEEN A TIP OFF JUST LIKE TY LEE'S PENCHANT TO RUN ON ROOFTOPS WHEN BORED but it's also equally as likely that Azula just liked the balance of having a clinically depressed friend obsessed with knives on her one hand a manic optimist who hated evil sharp blades on her other hand.

"Our childhood had its ups and downs SOMEHOW IN MY CASES BOTH SEEMED TO INVOLVE ZUKO AND FLAMING APPLES DON'T ASK because even though Azula was our self-appointed 'friend' you have to understand that Azula's idea of a expressing love and affection is to torture the people around her and our respective reactions go to show just how different Ty Lee and I could be. You see I'm not stupid HEY NO SNICKERING so I was fully aware that Azula was a crazy evil crazy thing who would more than likely be the death of me but the alternative was a lifetime of boredom and anyway my childhood was depressing anyway so instead of cutting myself I just sat near Azula and sooner or later she would try to cut me and that was much more efficient and sensible but Ty Lee on the other hand saw the world through rose-colored goggles with a 32x zoom and night vision and rechargeable battery so she thought that Azula was a perfectly okay friend who maybe sometimes played a little rough and would throw some nasty tantrums BUT THEN ALL THE PRINCESSES IN OUR STATE-APPROVED STORYBOOKS DID THAT TOO SO WE JUST ROLLED WITH IT but otherwise was a delightful person and paragon of virtue.

"Just to really illustrate INKS ONLY I'M NOT AS FOND OF COLORS AS HER how skewed Ty Lee's perspective was she actually believed that I was her friend and concerned about her well being and worth hanging out with but anyone who knows me knows how stupid that was because the only reason I hung out with her was because Azula liked her and the only reason I hugged her back was because it was easier not to fight fate and the only reason I would stick up for her against bullies and sometimes Azula was because I really hate bullies REMEMBER I USED TO THROW ROCKS AT THEM and the only reason I always had her back in a fight was because our styles complement each other but that was probably all Azula's doing and not any natural compatibility on our parts because I'm not compatible with anyone never mind bubbly hippies or honorable princes or rugged savages.

"After we got out of school I thought I would finally be able to get away from Ty Lee and while I was right BECAUSE MY PARENTS MOVED ME TO THE PLACE 'WHERE ENTERTAINMENT GOES TO DIE' I READ THAT SOMEWHERE it turned out to be more boring than I expected and before long I was hoping that banished princes and sadistic princesses and state enemies and maybe a dippy hand-to-hand fighter would come back into my life to make things more exciting. Ty Lee meanwhile ran away to join the circus because her attention span can be measured in seconds and she definitely wouldn't stand for any boredom in her life and by all accounts she was perfectly happy where she was and didn't give two shakes of her ridiculously shaped rear what I was doing and only came back into my life because Azula was threatening to throw a tantrum FROM A CATAPAULT if she didn't come hang out with us for a while. So Ty Lee came along and we had some good times beating up Katara THERE'S MY HATRED FOR ARROGANT BULLIES AGAIN and running away from Toph IT'S NOT THAT WE WERE SCARED OF HER IT'S JUST THAT WE DIDN'T WANT ROCK DUST IN OUR HAIR and chasing Zuko. Eventually the fun wound down though and I found myself trapped in the middle of Azula and Zuko's latest argument and that probably would have killed me BUT NOT BEFORE I GOT SOME GOOD SNARK IN if Ty Lee hadn't stepped in to betray Azula and save my life and I was almost prepared to think she cared for me after that but then when Zuko won the argument and locked Azula away Ty Lee announced she was moving to the other side of the world to live with her new friends so I got a good idea how much of I priority I was to Ty Lee and no I'm not at all bitter about it I don't care at all REALLY.

"To add further insult to injury, now the only girls who want to hang out with me are Katara and Suki. I crave death."


	57. Maioph

**Mai on... Maioph!**

"Sometimes, it seems like _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ is nothing more than a story of similar yet contrasting characters, and the various ways they help and hinder each other. I have my own strange doppelgänger in the form of the tiny Earthbender Toph.

"Toph and I both started our lives in the same way by which I mean that upon our respective births our respective parents immediately checked our respective bare backsides for a RESPECTIVE printed return policy TURNS OUT WE CAN'T BE REFUNDED AFTER THE PACKAGE HAS BEEN OPENED TOO BAD BUT WE CAN BE EXCHANGED FOR AN IDENTICAL PRODUCT thereby setting new speed records in familial disappointment. It's been noted that my mother and father seem to be more attached to my baby BROTHER than they ever were to me so it's possible I ruined all their hopes REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER BABY THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT just by being a girl but that's such a backward mindset it's almost Water Tribe so I think it's much more likely they just hated the fact that I sighed instead of crying like most babies and I always said they were crazy because I'd love it if my potential offspring didn't make any noise but people always give me dirty looks when I say that like it's a crime or something. Toph meanwhile found a new way to mentally destroy her parents by being born blind HOW CAN THEY TELL THAT WITH A BABY 'CRY IF YOU CAN SEE HOW MANY FINGERS I'M HOLDING UP' which according to her father is roughly equal to being born with arms and legs and a sense of humor HEY IT'S MY BREAD AND BUTTER ASIDE FROM BEING A KEPT WOMAN and so he vowed to hide her away in his basement where the world couldn't hurt her and it's entirely possible that Toph being a girl also had something to do with it because I don't see a lot of female Earth Kingdom warriors running around THE ONLY FIGHTER WOMEN I EVER FOUND WERE TOO BUSY TRYING TO KEEP THEIR CLOWN MAKEUP FROM GETTING SMUDGED TO BE REAL WARRIORS OR DO ANY ACTUAL RUNNING and of course her midget size didn't inspire any confidence either.

"Sadly for us Toph and I weren't exactly thrilled with quiet lives apart from the rest of humanity IT'S NOT LIKE I COULD USE MY MOTHER FOR TARGET PRACTICE TOO OFTEN and we both possess a real penchant for violent behavior and a desire to inflict pain on everyone else in the world we hate so much but thankfully we found some workable outlets NOT LITERALLY OF COURSE ONLY AZULA PLAYS WITH ELECTRICITY AND LOOK WHAT THAT DID TO HER BRAIN. My outlet of course was hanging out with Azula the Living War Crime and sometimes picking on Ty Lee and after I left them I got my kicks by hunting down and knifing the local hoodlum assassins in Omashu GET OFF MY LAWN YOU UNDERGROUND RESISTANCE FIGHTERS AND GET A JOB TOO but Toph went for a much more formal approach by secretly participating in FAKE wrestling tournaments I guess because she didn't have any rebels in her city or maybe because she's not as tough as she likes to pretend and needed a 'tap out' option in case things got too rough for the poor little blind girl THAT'S SO MUCH FUN TO DO NOW THAT MY BOYFRIEND THE FIRE LORD IS HER BUDDY AND SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Eventually we both hopped on the first bus out of our hometowns and joined up with the first conquerors and terrorists we encountered and took the first open positions in their respective organizations 'BEAR POOPER SCOOPER' AND 'SOKKA'S BABYSITTER' IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING and thankfully this is the point where our pathetic lives diverged.

"Toph wasn't smart enough to keep the 'friends' with more history from shoving her into the background and despite her best efforts OKAY MAYBE NOT HER BEST SHE NEVER PUT ON ANY CLOWN MAKEUP ALTHOUGH SHE CAME CLOSE THE TIME SHE LET KATARA DOLL HER UP AT THE BA SING SE SPA she was never able to get any of the guys to help her into the foreground with a kiss but I on the other hand have seen this story play out too many times EVERY ONE OF THEM INVOLVING TY LEE so I walked up to Zuko and put a collar on him and let him know that anytime he was feeling lonely I was his only authorized source of company and sure enough I rode that train straight to the top of the organization and even got to steal a few scenes from Azula herself to her disproportionate anger OKAY MAYBE RUBBING IT IN WASN'T MY SMARTEST MOVE BUT THE POLLS SAY MY TARGET DEMOGRAPHICS LOVED IT. Toph was a day late and a dollar short and by the time she figured the only way through the glass ceiling was by riding on a guy's coattails all the guys were already taken and she was just too similar to that pale shadow of a human being her father thought she was to worm her way into any of the established relationships HUH DO WORMS EVEN CAST SHADOWS I MEAN THEIR TUNNELS ARE KIND OF DARK FOR THAT even when I was in jail and Zuko was feeling lonely again and so we see that even people who try to copy me just can't achieve the same heights of success and if only my parents would realize that we could finally move in to more important matters like the nature of my inheritance versus my little brother's.

"Of course, I also defeated Toph every time we fought, except for that one time I did her a favor and let her have my pooper scooper job. It's more her speed, anyway."


	58. Maiuki

**Mai on... Maiuki!**

"For every night there has to be a day, for every villain there must be a hero, and for every crime there must be a form of justice. As the universe seems really big on that whole duality thing, I guess it's only natural that the same year I was born, the Kyoshi Warrior Suki was also brought into this world.

"I'm quite well known as fairly colorless person COMPETING WITH TY LEE WOULD JUST LEAVE ANY OBSERVERS BLIND ANYWAY which of course describes both my wardrobe and my general personality BUT NOT MY FOOD BECAUSE FRUIT TARTS AN AWESOME BUT COLORFUL WAY TO GET YOUR DAILY DOSE OF TASTY but I'm completely fine with that and I wish the rest of the world would get on the bandwagon too so that I didn't have to see any more orange than is absolutely necessary because those kinds of hues actually upset my stomach COICINDENTALLY SO DOES THE SWAMPY GUY THEY CALL 'HUE' and it just wouldn't be proper for me to walk around wearing darkened glasses all the time. Needless to say I was a bit put out when I was out on a mission along with Ty Lee and commanded by Azula 'HEY AS LONG AS THE AVATAR IS BEHIND THE WALLS AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE LET'S GO START A FOREST FIRE COME ON IT WILL BE A FUN WAY TO RELAX' and we stumbled across a path of Sky Bison fur AND OTHER ASSORTED 'LEAVINGS' that led us straight to most colorful and annoying people on the whole planet the Kyoshi Warriors OH AND THE BISON TOO.

"I've gone over how much I loathe the whole concept of an order of warrior groupies THEY PROBABLY ALL HAVE AVATAR KYOSHI POSTERS IN THEIR BEDROOMS ENCOURAGING THEM TO 'REACH FOR THE STARS' OR 'HANG IN THERE' OR 'STRIP YOUR ENEMIES OF THEIR CLOTHES BEFORE YOU KILL THEM' AND STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT but really the worst part is their costumes which are a shade of green that utterly fails to blend in with any plant life known to man AND AS A WOMAN I CAN CONFIRM NONE OF OUR SECRET KNOWLEDGE INCLUDES NEW SHADES OF GREEN topped off with face-painting that I've described many times as clown-like but really I can see where the idea of scary killer clowns come from because the Kyoshi Warriors loos scary especially when you know that you had a whole fruit tart for lunch MMMMMMMM FRUIT TARTS and you're now staring at a face painted in the precise pattern of white and red that will make that fruit tart ANYONE ELSE HUNGRY came back for a visit to exposit just what happens to food after you send it down your digestive system AS IF MY ADVENTURES WITH BOSCO'S LEAVINGS IN THE EARTH KING'S THRONE ROOM WEREN'T EDUCATIONAL ENOUGH OH WAIT THAT HAPPENED LATER NEVER MIND.

"Suki of course is the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors and as such she's the only one with the power to save the world from her order's dreadful wardrobe choices but she instead takes pride in the whole terrible ensemble and wears her makeup even in casual situations like giving Appa a bath THAT SHOULD TAKE THE BETTER PART OF A WEEK and making out with boys behind a rock ALTHOUGH I NOTICE SOKKA WASN'T TOO ENTHUSASTIC THAT TIME ABOUT SUCKING FACE WITH A GIRL DRESSED LIKE A FRUIT TART HMMMM and cleaning up bear droppings SO YOU CAN GUESS WHAT MY UNDERCOVER ROLE HAD ME WEARING WHILE DEALING WITH THAT UGH I REALLY WAS SICK ONCE AND IT WAS SUCH A GOOD FRUIT TART. However I didn't know Suki yet when I was fighting the clown warriors with Azula and Ty Lee so I missed a good opportunity to hurt Suki herself during said fighting IF YOU CAN REALLY CALL IT FIGHTING IT WAS OVER SO QUICK I WONDERED IF I DREAMED IT which is too bad because now we're on the same side and I'm not allowed to attack her THOUGH I ALWAYS MAKE SURE SHE GETS THE SMALLEST FRUIT TART WHEN WE'RE HAVING DESERT AS A GROUP and it wasn't until after the whole 'beat em up and take their clothes' thing that I found out she was Sokka's girlfriend and by the time I figured out that meant she was the cute boomerang boy's love interest I was already in the middle of my big dramatic thing with Zuko where I betrayed Azula so taking the time to stick my tongue out at Suki would have just messed up all the drama of the moment and we all know how much I love drama.

"After all these so-called rambles and so much time spent in social situations with Suki, I only just realized how funny it would be to call her a 'fruit tart.' I weep for all the missed opportunities in my life, especially involving cute boomerang boys."


	59. Maikka

**Mai! On! Maikka!**

"Fine. If you're all so curious, let's go ahead and talk about it. Not that there's anything to talk about. But whatever.

"Take the two most unusually sensible people in _Avatar: The Last Airbender_, pair them up in spite of them never interacting with each and having other preferred romantic relationships, and you have the imaginary pairing of Maikka.

"Sokka is a warrior of the Southern Water Tribe who lives by his people's down-to-Earth good-ol'-boy homey wisdom, in spite of being a major participant in a fantasy epic. He tagged along with his sister and HER BOYFRIEND the Avatar Aang as they went about committing petty crimes all over the world and sometimes making trouble for the Fire Nation's benevolent BUT A LITTLE BIT MEAN Great March of Civilization.

"It wasn't until a season or two into their epic OR NOT quest that Sokka and crew encountered Mai the bored knife-thrower, a girl so uninspired by the world that she actually signed up as a sidekick to Princess Azula of the Fire Nation just for something to do on the weekends. Mai eventually wound up in a romance with Fire Princes Zuko that was treated more like an annoying secondary plot than a real relationship, but no matter how you look at it there was nothing of interest there so I don't care and neither should you.

"The extent of Sokka and Mai's interaction was to sometimes take part in the same multi-person choreographed fight scenes but they hardly said anything to each other and altogether seemed unaware of their respective existences NEVER MIND GENDER. Sokka wound up in a steamy affair with a girl in clown makeup NO NOT TY LEE so he soon ceased to care about any of the females in the whole rest of the world.

"Next, people are going to start shipping completely imaginary characters to compliment their completely imaginary romances.

"...

"That's not going to cut it, is it? Okay, fine, let's do this for real.

"I admit through my various ramblings WHERE DID THAT NAME COME FROM ANYWAY I USED TO SPEAK VERY NICELY BEFORE THIS JUNK STARTED I have indeed mentioned many times that I find Sokka to be physically attractive but I very much doubt that I really stand out in that respect because let's face it the boy has filled out very well with muscle and meat no doubt thanks to the hard life of being his tribe's sole hunter in an environment where ice is the new grass and the snow comes at you like my knives after I've been told I look like a man IN OTHER WORDS YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU CAN EVEN FIND ALL YOUR BLOOD AFTERWARD AS MY KNIVES WON'T HAVE SLOWED DOWN ANY FOR HAVING PASSED RIGHT THROUGH YOU and that type of thing is good for turning boys into mighty MANLY men especially if the gossip about Sokka's father is true ALTHOUGH THAT GOSSIP USUALLY PAIRS HIM WITH LADY URSA SO UNLESS THERE'S PICTURES I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I mean Ty Lee certainly noticed his looks but you see that illustrates the difference between me and Ty Lee because she only cares about how cute Sokka is and not about any of the other rather special considerations HER MIND CAN ONLY KEEP TRACK OF ONE THING AT A TIME OF COURSE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT BY NOW like the fact that he's not a bender BENDERS ARE STUPID REAL WARRIORS USE METAL but he still manages to get the job done and he's also kind of sort of a little intelligent although he often needs the help of a female mind LIKE HIS SISTER OR THAT TOPH THING OR AVATAR AANG to keep him on track but hey if the price of a true independent genius is Azula's flavor of insanity then I'm content with Sokka just being a little helpfully eccentric.

"Speaking of Fire Nation royalty WOW THAT WAS A SMOOTH TRANSITION the whole idea of a romance with Sokka is obviously not going to work out because I am in fact already in a romantic relationship with Fire Lord Zuko NO NEED TO LOOK SO SURPRISED I ONLY MENTION IT EVERY OTHER MINUTE SINCE IT'S THE ONE THING THAT DEFINES MY EXISTANCE and while I'll be the first to admit AND ADMIT AND ADMIT AND ADMIT AND THIS IS KIND OF FUN that he's a complete moron who has no idea how to run his own life never mind maintain a healthy relationship with an intelligent girl and know not to break up with her via a POORLY WRITTEN note that talks more about world peace than his actual feelings specifically about me and why he felt he couldn't mention those feelings or the fate of the world or whatever in person but I'm not bitter NO NOT ALL YOU DO RECOGNIZE THE SARCASM DON'T YOU but nevertheless it's a form of stupidity that I'm quite used to by now and Zuko does have his endearing side because he was the one person during my childhood who didn't take joy in my pain at one point or another and so I'd hate to break his heart after threatening to cut out his liver with my dullest knife and then cook it up and feed it to the turtleducks BELIEVE IT OR NOT THEY'LL EAT MEAT TOO I'VE READ THAT SOME GANGSTERS AND FREEDOM FIGHTERS USE THEM TO HIDE BODIES if he ever broke up with me.

"On that note Sokka also has an existing romantic interest WOW THAT WAS ANOTHER GREAT LEAD IN I'M AN AWESOME WRITER WHY AM I ENDING THESE THINGS AGAIN in the form of the Kyoshi Klown Suki who seems to have won out over all of his other possible girlfriends by virtue of the fact that she kissed him first UNLESS YOU COUNT HIS GRANDMA ACCORDING TO HIS SISTER BUT I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT AND HIS SISTER IS KIND OF CREEPY ANYWAY FOR KEEPING TRACK OF THAT KIND OF STUFF SICK KATARA VERY SICK and managed not to die DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS and also actually looked like a female as opposed to other existing crushes with more screen time CHEER UP TOPH MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU'LL LIKE A GIRL ALTHOUGH I'M NOT BETTING MONEY OR FIRE FLAKES ON IT and so when the end came and all the girls had to be hanging off the arm of an important guy or risk being condemned by society at large POOR TY LEE SHE ONLY HAS A NEW LIFE AWAY FROM ME WHERE SHE CAN BE A CLOWN ALL DAY AND NIGHT BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND SO LET'S WRITE STORIES GIVING HER ONE OR JUST SAY SHE LIKES GIRLS Suki grabbed Sokka and welded her hands onto him. Aside from the fact that I think Suki is a blight on humanity by embodying all its aspects that I dislike and also being so great and sympathetic and popular and yeah maybe I am a little jealous that no one liked me at all in favor of Katara until I knifed some people to save Zuko's life MMM THAT'S A FUN MEMORY I KICKED A LOT OF BUTT THERE KIND OF LIKE I KICKED VERBAL BUTT WITH ALL THESE RAMBLINGS I GUESS I JUST PLAIN KICK BUTT and even after that I take heat NOT THE GOOD KIND THAT COMES WITH MAKING OUT WITH A FIREBENDER for my drab looks and voice and attitude while Suki is the ideal girl next door and also spends most of her later screen time half naked but hey at least it keeps Sokka happy and that's what matters if I want to be nice about it.

"In any event I know there will be a lot of disappointment if I don't explore all the possibilities so yeah let's say Zuko moves on from me IF ANYONE EVEN SO MUCH THINKS ABOUT KATARA FOR HIM I SWEAR THERE WILL BE BLOOD AND LOTS OF LITTLE BITS OF FLESH AND SOME SHATTERED BONES AND A CRUSHED FRUIT TART OR TWO and Suki falls off a ladder and dies and suddenly the both of us are available and ready to forget our heartache with some cuddling. First of all I really don't think Sokka would even look twice at me because in case you haven't noticed I'm not what one would call classically pretty WELL I SORT OF AM IN THE FIRE NATION BUT THE CLASSICS DON'T GET MUCH PLAY and just about the only non-Zuko male who ever expressed an interest in me in a purely physical sense was that beach moron Ruon-Jian HEY I JUST REALIZED ISN'T THERE A SURF SHOP WITH THAT NAME who was all 'hey girl let's go investigate that mysterious closet' and I was just like 'mysterious closet what are you smoking' and he said 'I liked smoked fire flakes' and I said 'ooh there's fire flakes here' and he smiled and was going 'yeah I made them myself with my family's secret recipe they're fresh and good' and I was ready to smile and go 'I hope that wasn't a euphemism because if you give me that recipe I'll be your friend and introduce you to Ty Lee' but then Zuko came up and was just like 'rawr get awayz from mah girl' and I screamed "Zuko you moron what about the fire flakes' and now I've completely lost track of what I was talking about.

"Oh, yeah.

"Anyway I doubt a Water Tribe barbarian would find such a set of looks so Fire Nation as mine to be at all attractive but assuming he wised up and began valuing intellect and personality more than beauty ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T WANT HIM TO TELL ME THAT I'D EXPECT THE USUAL POEMS ABOUT MY CUTE NOSE BUT NOT TOO MANY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE BORING then maybe he'd find my outlook to be a little more refreshing than Miss 'I Punch To Show Affection" Bei Fong. Like Sokka I have a rather pessimistic outlook on life that we both prefer to think of as realistic since anything that can go wrong usually does with all the gusto of Iroh eating second breakfast HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A HOBBIT DOESN'T HE and we both like making pessimistic observations in a scathingly sarcastic manner IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED THAT OUT YET YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T BEEN READING THESE RAMBLES and in fact our preferred mode of communication is a little something we call snark that involves just the right mix of humor and wit and condescending tone and a touch of sarcasm here and there SOUNDS AS COMPLICATED AS MAKING GOOD FIRE FLAKES and we would probably have a lot of fun with that or annoy each other to the point of murder. Also I really like cuddling with boyfriend types when no one EXCEPT FOR SERVANTS BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE REALLY HUMAN are around to see my moment of emotional vulnerability and considering how often Sokka hugs his sister I'm guessing he's fine with physical affection and maybe if he bathes with scented soap and washes really well he won't have that Water Tribe smell on him anymore and we can do all that cuddling without my nose twitching or my stomach turning.

"Of course there are problems too with us getting together that may be completely insurmountable or at least too much work to bother with. I've only recently achieved a kind of peace with my family because I actually achieved what I was bred for and actually landed a boy toy FRIEND I MEANT BOY FRIEND with a higher social station than mine and the fact that Zuko actually possesses the highest social station in the Fire Nation is a definite bonus and means I never have to be worried about getting arrested for assault which is something I got used to during my time with Azula. Furthermore I have absolutely no desire whatsoever in a million years no matter the bribe or rationalization to ever set foot anywhere within catapulting distance of that worthless South Pole because FIRST OF ALL I don't like being cold and SECONDLY I like my civilization and indoor plumbing and THIRD OF ALL I agreed to commit war crimes for Azula to get away from family so I have no desire to live with Sokka's family ESPECIALLY THAT SUGAR TART KATARA MMM A SUGAR TART SOUNDS GOOD so there would be a little conflict as to where we would eventually live. Also I can see us getting into conflicts over the ownership of our various weapons especially those delicious-looking boomerangs and no one NO ONE touches my knives without permission and I would never give permission to anyone even my boyfriend TOY so that means no one touches my knives ever.

"In the end however we can conclude that whether or not it would work out my feelings don't exactly matter since Sokka hasn't shown the slightest awareness that I exist and furthermore the idea of us ever being in a position to do anything about any feelings anyone may have is a complete hypothetical so we're just left with my secret regard for Sokka's barbarian body and a whole lot of suppressed urges. It's the kind of thing that would normally drive a person crazy but if there's one thing I've been bred and raised for ASIDE FROM SEDUCING ZUKO it's suppressing my feelings and I've gotten to be pretty good at it and-

"...

"I just realized something.

"If I have a strong urge to be with Sokka based on nothing by scant interactions and a physical attraction and one of us is emotionally invested in the idea of a pairing but the other isn't quite aware of the first person's feelings TRY TO KEEP UP THINGS ARE GOING TO GET COMPLICATED FROM HERE and we're from two different nations that were recently at war and there are a million and one BECAUSE I'VE BEEN COUNTING THIS WHOLE TIME YES EVEN WHILE I ENTERTAIN YOU WITH MY LOVELY RAMBLING reasons why we can't be together but nevertheless there are a lot of people pulling for us to get together solely for the spectacle our forbidden romance will be then really we're just like that stupid concept of ZUTARA. So even if Sokka and I never get together our potential is still enough to inspire millions of people across time and space because the very idea of us fighting fate and reality to find love together is the purest expression of human love and a siren song of drama and thrills OOH THRILLS I COULD USE SOME OF THOSE IN MY LIFE BEFORE I START CUTTING MYSELF OUT OF BOREDOME AGAIN that will last throughout the ages even after people forget what _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ was about in the first place NOT THAT I EVER REALLY KNEW I DIDN'T START PAYING ATTENTION UNTIL WE GOT TO BA SING SE AND EVEN THEN I SKIPPED THE BORING PARTS.

"I'm going to go ahead and declare that, given my genius realizations and figuring, I win no matter what the outcome is of my suddenly interesting romantic life. It's amazing because I wasn't even trying. Just as well I'm ending this strange collection of ramblings on a high note."

**END**

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_Well, this it. I guess I make a speech now?_

Really, this is all about my readers. As I've noted, this series started as a couple of jokes in Avatar Spirit's shipping thread, and even when I turned them into a fan-fiction series, I never imagined it would go on this long or this successfully. I imagined I'd stop when interest died, but the fact that I tired of updating before you all did is a good thing, I think.

Thanks for all the support, comments, compliments, critiques, notes, and everything!

So is this really the end? Obviously, I kind of brought things to a close, but actually, there's nothing that's preventing me from adding another few Ramblings on if I get inspired. It may happen, but certainly not anytime soon, and the series as a whole is pretty much done.

What's next, you ask? Well, I have my drabble series, "The Ember Island Lighthouse". And now that this series is no longer hanging over me, I'd like to try something more serious. "One Hundred Men" has been calling for over a year now. I have other projects in mind, too. I know none of that stuff will ever be as successful and popular as Mai's Ramblings, though. However, I know that's a good thing.

Thanks again, one last time!

So, what's your favorite Ramblings?


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